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So I was approved for a skill school scholarship through work and next month on the 16th I get to go to school for heating and cooling technician stuff, sounds fun and I'm excited. I hope things get better from here.

[size11 I am willing to talk,
if you are willing to put in the work,
and if you have thought things over
and have decided it's what you want to do.

xo

Either way,
I am wishing you well.
I am always wishing them well.
Where words won't reach them, maybe the heart will.

You are strong.
And you will continue to stay strong
with or without me.
I believe in you.

★]

[left [pic https://thumbs.gfycat.com/FatalFloweryHornshark-small.gif]] [font roman [center Man, I'm such a flake. Things that I should really do offers I should really accept, but I don't because something inside tells me not too. I don't know if my intuition is just perfect or I'm a lazy shit, but something isn't right. I've been like this my whole life, though. I like to make my own decisions and if something pops up that sort decides for me, I peace out. It's not like anything bad has happened yet; things tend to work out. I flaked out on a job offer but got another job in return about a month later. When I flake out on things or just straight-up ghost, something even better, or just slightly good, pops up later.

I'm worried that my luck will run out one day, and I won't get a second chance because life isn't fair. I do believe in manifestation, and maybe I'm manifesting other opportunities for myself, but can life really go that far? Sometimes I think I'm stupid for believing in something like that, but then stuff like this happens.

I'm writing this now because I have a phone call with my job-hunt people, and they'll probably ask me about this programme they signed me up for that I didn't accept, which was basically to hunt for jobs. I already have a job, one that might give me more hours and money. I'm joining the military in the summer, programmes seem really pointless to me if I've got all that going on, but I feel like the biggest ghost in the world right now, and I'm worried that they'll have something to say about that. They probably won't, but I hate being reprimanded or patronised for making my own decisions, and I hate the thought of people thinking I'm lazy because of stuff like this.

Anyway, rant over.

I’m so stupid. I logged into kik to tell you about a new cosplay, but I logged back out because you’re never going to be able to respond again. I’m still not over it. My perception of time is fucked from my losses and my health declining in 2020. I wouldn’t have even told you I was sick because you worried about me and your friend a lot and I didn’t want to add that to your plate. You had a lot going on. It’s still unreal. It just doesn’t feel real and I don’t think it will ever completely sink in that I can’t send you memes and pictures of my animals anymore. You really like Smokie and Oreo... I’m just rambling at this point, but if I don’t now, I’ll forget to right it down in my journal later when I wake up.

For so long I've been worried about how to make you happy even if it meant burring the things about myself that I enjoy. I have hidden away so many things, sexual experiences I would like to have, clothes I enjoy wearing, anime I like, even types of books and stories I enjoy. I have hidden away so much about myself, held back the excitement I get over the little things I love like photography and painting. I love dying my hair but you want it natural. I love exaggerated makeup to match my outfit, you like thick eyeliner only. I like colorful lipstick, you think it's too much. I love adult books, you think they're inappropriate.

I'm having really weird nagging sad feelings of nostalgia. I saw the old writing for Alexandra and really missed writing for Thine and Fang. I'm hoping to get back to writing and probably blogging since I can't seem to grow up...but hopefully it will help me feel better since I've been told hobbies help separate you from mental stress... Let's hope :)

So.. just found out my boyfriend was cheating on me.. I feel like I'm not good enough now... I was saving myself for marriage and he was getting slightly frustrated about it.. I still love him and I don't want to leave him.. Is it bad I gave him one more chance? Or am I too naive? My heart is aching right now and I feel so lost.

[size10 i told myself that i wouldn't come back to this site anymore, but yet here i am anyway. this year has been a miracle and a curse for me in so many different ways.]

[size10 my brother killed himself. i keep treating it like it never happened, but in my chest i still feel all of these regrets. i knew him better, and i know that my mom was lying about why he did it. i know he had trauma and mental illnesses he never addressed. i knew that his wife was abusive to him and so was mom. i knew that when dad died, he'd try to take care of mom after, knowing full well she'd leech the life out of him. and she did.]

[size10 i knew all of that, and i didn't reach out. i shouldn't blame myself, but i still do. i think i could have stopped it, but in the end it was his decision, his choice. it just felt so sudden, but it wasn't at all.]

[size10 i loved my brother, even if he hated me for so long. i still love him, and i'll miss him forever now.]

[size10 i caught covid, as well as six members of my family. i really thought i'd almost lost my job because of it. and being cooped up here has done nothing but damage to my mental health recently.]

[size10 but on the flip side... i got a new job, and i got clip studio so i can practice more efficiently at digital art, and i got therapy. talking to my therapist has been helping me, because she actually gives me advice and solutions, and doesn't just tell me to talk and then not speak to me for another month. i think it's been helping me get some clarity.]

[size10 i'm going to start treating myself, my emotions, my mental illnesses with more kindness and compassion. i'm only human and i can't take on everything in the world at once, and i've broken away from that path. i need to give myself the love i give others.]

[size10 be there for myself when i need to be. i have to stop ignoring my pain.]

[size10 even if it's a lot, and that's overwhelming, and it feels too overbearing to get into, i need to. if i'm ever going to get better, i have to.]
[size10 so i will. for myself, and no one else.]

[size10 i got this therapy for someone else, but i decided that i'm flipping the script. it's for me. i wanted it. i needed this.]

[size10 and i may not be okay right now, maybe i won't even be okay tomorrow, but i will be. and it's all right that i'm not.]

[size10 i'll figure it out and i'll keep growing.]

[center [size10 It only been 5 months. 5 fucking months. How can that be? It's all I can do to try my best to ignore that it even happened.. but then nights like this I think about it and it doesn't even seem real. I hate myself for not reaching out more.. I got so used to letting you be the one to reach out to me that I just waited patiently for your message. I had so much to tell you. The silly toddler painting that had your name on it that we found and bought at goodwill as a joke. Whatever child that made that painting will grow up and never know how important that picture is to me. I wanted so badly to tell you about it but I fell into waiting for you. It genuinely feels like it's been years and yet it's still so fresh. My mind just can't wrap around it. You were here.. you were fucking here.. where did you fucking go? I regret more than anything how I danced around my feelings at the very end. My goodbye to you.. incase you didn't make it.. the last message you saw from me.. I joked about loving you in a weird stalker, possessive kind of way.. I should have just said it. That I love you. I should have just told you that I fucking loved you so god damn much.. you could have gone with no question.. knowing exactly how I felt.. but I fucked it up. My chest hurts so badly. My body is trembling.. why did you do this to me? Accept everything I was.. how weird I was about my obsession with you.. enjoying my obsession even.. playing into it. Why did you have to make me so comfortable and in love with your presence.. only for it to all be yanked away from me... I'm sorry I can't do what you asked me.. I can't be strong.. when it fucking stings so deeply still. Maybe one day. But that day is not today... I just want you back... I miss you..]]

Tested positive, isn't that great. Hopefully I don't ruin Christmas.

God I'm kinda scared.

so I was up at 3 am in the morning because I had dream where me and brother had a fight. The first time we fought was like september and I did win. (Only cause I was faster and dealt out more hits...even tried choking him. What kind of brother am I?) But in this dream we immediately fought in the living room, I had picked him up and slammed him onto his back. His head hit the carpeted floor and he was knocked out snoring. when I looked back to check on him his neck was bent like a snake....I mean not even normal. I moved his neck and head around and it wasn't moving normally so I started freaking out and panicking. Right after that I woke up realizing....I just killed my brother...in my dreams. Like I was so shook from it that I was too scared to even say good morning to him. Like I love this dude with all my heart and soul, and just cause he's autistic and adhd doesn't mean I love him any less. I have adhd as well and at times we do have them brotherly moments where we get upset at each other, and our friends would joke and call us Drake and Josh.(Coincidentally my Adoptive name is Drake and his middle name is Joshua so I call him Josh and He calls me Drake. But when we get mad at each other we like to piss each other off more with yelling eachother's birth name. Mine was Nashawn and his Birth name was Matthew also its his adoptive name. So I just call him Marcques which was his birth middle name.) I had anger issues but I've come a great way when it comes to my anger and how to handle it now. Ask middle school and elementary school me and jesus they were some bad ass kids. I'm talking ripping principals blinds,standing on the principal's desk, smacking the shit out of another kid for wiping their nose on my jacket, grabbing onto two bus seats like im a ninja and kicking two kids in the mouth because they tried to jump me, beating up a 7 year old kid when I was like 10 cause he kept pissing me off and even spit on me. Over all I did a lot of bullshit as a kid when I was pissed the fuck off. He also has anger issues which makes it very hard to calm him down at times....(he's like 16 about to be 17) and I told him that when I get my own place(which is gonna happen because I know my brother...) I will take him with me. I just don't want to see him locked up or in an mental insane asylum you know..and like I love this dude. He really is a gift from heaven, he's so nice,caring, and just so amazing when it comes to helping with kids. He really has the patience and understanding that I lack at times when it comes to multiple kids being bad,begging for snacks, or just being kids. I just really hope the dream doesn't come true, recently I had dreams of conversations I wouldn't have with people until a month or week or day later and everything they would exactly say in my dream would be the exact response I got from the person.
For example I had a dream I was in the car with my mom, we had just pulled out of walmart and we had been driving home. On the way home I said. "I'm gonna cook a steak and chop up some celery with it, want some?" She said, "Yeah and make your steak they way you did it last time, and put some of those waffle fries in the air fryer."
I asked, "We have waffle fries?" and she responded with, "Yes it's in the house in the freezer in the garage." I gasped in the dream and remembered something then I responded with. "Ok...wait. Mom Mom Mom Mom, I had a dream about this! About this exact conversation about the waffle fries." She would be confused and respond with, "What are you talking about? We just talked about the waffle fries." I would realize me telling her that wasn't worth it because she wouldn't understand and I would go silent. Fast forward to a week later and that exact moment happened word for word. And I'm worried that like ok I be having dreams of events that happen that hasn't even happened yet, but it happens at some point in time. And like if....that conversation happened between me and my mom with many other examples...what is the chances of that fight happening. I just don't wanna lose my big brother man...and I'm not a fighter....I may seem like one who always wants to fight but when you are someone I know,love,care,and cherish then I don't wanna pick up my hands. But that's not completely stopping me from fighting back...its just stopping me only a little bit. Also just cause I said I'm not really a fighter doesn't mean I can't fuck your ass up ok? I may be like 5'11 and 130 something pounds but I can fuck shit up alright? I almost got jumped by a dike and her girlfriend. Best believe I gave them the first 10 or so hits before I started losing my shit and boxing them out. And this was at school.....so you KNOW everyone was talking about that shit for a while. PFFT THEY STILL DO!

Vitiligo has now spread to my face. This is cool. Can’t wait for it to become more of a vibrant white. Right now it’s a really pale pink.

My grandfather could quite possibly have COVID, and I was around him for almost all of yesterday playing cards with him and my family. He was around someone in his band who has it and his boss, who was driving him to work and to the doctor, tested positive. Plus my aunt's boyfriend from my Dad's side, who's in college, tested positive, and we were with them on Thursday night.

My mom's gonna call the school in the morning, but knowing my school, I probably won't be able to go until my grandfather gets his results back. If he comes back positive and I start showing symptoms, then I'll have to get tested, meaning I probably won't be able to go until I get my results back, which could lead to me not having school until Christmas break is over.

I'm not scared, or sad, or angry. I'm just worried for the people who I could be infecting if I have it.

And if I have it or my grandfather has it, that means my dad, who is helping build a nuclear plant with thousands of people and switches day and night shifts, has a at least fifty percent chance of having it. And if he has it, he could infect thousands of people.

So to everyone on ES, I'd like to apologize for my absence. I hope this isn't a crappy reason for you guys though.

Well, i feel like a bitch.. my boyfriend's grandfather just died and all I could say was ''im sorry..'' I didn't know what else to say but sorry... I feel like the worst girlfriend ever.. I can't be there to comfort him and the only way I can be there for him is through texting because I have to hide us together from my parents because i just went through a breakup about 6 or 7 months ago... I just want to tell them about it but I'm scared.

[size09 the truth is, I’ll always miss you. I still think about you daily. I still cry. my mom asks about you at times. about how I feel. the answer is still the same; I’m sad. I know it’s my fault, that things are as they are, for not being more open and honest, but I’m not mad at myself either. I miss you, but I know I need to get me to a place where I genuinely like myself. I hope you’re doing well, I really do. I don’t let myself check on you because it isn’t my place anymore. I somewhat doubt you’ll read this but well. I just wanted you to know, on the off chance you do. It doesn’t mean much and that’s ok. I’m just tired of pretending like I don’t miss you at all. I’m tired of pretending like I’m ok when really, I end up crying if I dwell on it too long. I’m just so very tired.]

I care even though twitch is the most toxic site for content creators.