[size10 i told myself that i wouldn't come back to this site anymore, but yet here i am anyway. this year has been a miracle and a curse for me in so many different ways.]
[size10 my brother killed himself. i keep treating it like it never happened, but in my chest i still feel all of these regrets. i knew him better, and i know that my mom was lying about why he did it. i know he had trauma and mental illnesses he never addressed. i knew that his wife was abusive to him and so was mom. i knew that when dad died, he'd try to take care of mom after, knowing full well she'd leech the life out of him. and she did.]
[size10 i knew all of that, and i didn't reach out. i shouldn't blame myself, but i still do. i think i could have stopped it, but in the end it was his decision, his choice. it just felt so sudden, but it wasn't at all.]
[size10 i loved my brother, even if he hated me for so long. i still love him, and i'll miss him forever now.]
[size10 i caught covid, as well as six members of my family. i really thought i'd almost lost my job because of it. and being cooped up here has done nothing but damage to my mental health recently.]
[size10 but on the flip side... i got a new job, and i got clip studio so i can practice more efficiently at digital art, and i got therapy. talking to my therapist has been helping me, because she actually gives me advice and solutions, and doesn't just tell me to talk and then not speak to me for another month. i think it's been helping me get some clarity.]
[size10 i'm going to start treating myself, my emotions, my mental illnesses with more kindness and compassion. i'm only human and i can't take on everything in the world at once, and i've broken away from that path. i need to give myself the love i give others.]
[size10 be there for myself when i need to be. i have to stop ignoring my pain.]
[size10 even if it's a lot, and that's overwhelming, and it feels too overbearing to get into, i need to. if i'm ever going to get better, i have to.]
[size10 so i will. for myself, and no one else.]
[size10 i got this therapy for someone else, but i decided that i'm flipping the script. it's for me. i wanted it. i needed this.]
[size10 and i may not be okay right now, maybe i won't even be okay tomorrow, but i will be. and it's all right that i'm not.]
[size10 i'll figure it out and i'll keep growing.]