Alot of people love to vent and talk about themselves. They could go on and on for hours. Well, most people don't give two fucks.
Thats why you have this place.
And, no one's here to judge--because really...we are all pathetic in our own little way.
lolEnd Note; This is not a chatroom.
In my arms you'll stay.
2 places at once.
It seems highly impossible.
Yet you've managed.
Do you enjoy the sound of my misery.
Or my countenance splayed with happiness afterwards?
Either way I'm glad you've come here.
(B (I 5 April 2010) )
(I 2:20 pm)
April 5th, 2010 3:11pm
I hate when you write things that you know, you know, you know I shouldn't ever read.
I hate when I do.
I hate when you do.
I hate, I hate.
I hate hate.
I hate love.
I hate not knowing what 'hate' means.
-- Another trip
I know the meaning of touch
I know the meaning of hope
I know the meaning of love
I know the meaning of pain
I know the meaning of mad
I know the meaning of seeing
I know the meaning of sad
I'm searching for the meaning
Of you and me
I'm searching for the meaning
Of true beauty
I'm inches away from knowing
What it's like to forget
Inches away from knowing
How to deal with being rejected
Can't wait to see your face tomorrow -_- yayy-Kay
(Bold (I 5 April 2010) )
(I 9:18 pm)
Not like that.
I never meant for you to see that, but you did anyway and drew your own conclusions.
It goes to show how long you've been gone, and how little you've asked ...
I don't care -but don't go about saying it was meant in your direction and part of it might have been ... and part of it wasn't.
A journal landing me in trouble.
A hollow laughter follows.
Because you weren't supposed to see.
And now you're mad at me.
Avoid my name.
I guess ... I just haven't the energy for games such as those any more.
I'll see you at the new dawn of your life.
Whenever that may be.
(b [06-04-2010, Me, 10:23 am])
Different reasons of course.
Been up all night again.
The clock ticking.
Pouring disghasting coffee down my throat for energy.
Wanting to gag at the color.
I want to sleep. I love sleep. It's amazing.
Being lost in dreams....
I feel exiled from that land.
I miss you sleep.
I miss going through a day without drama.
Without the stupid four letter word playing into the situations.
Fucking everything up--
I want sleep.~
(b --Something thats red and black all over.)
I must sleep.
Besides math is my second period. And I need to at least semi listen in that class
A C isn't cutting it
Though I don't expect it to get any higher
I hate math
And math hates me
If I could I'd strangle math
And drown it in an elephant's blood
Yeah I deffinately need to sleep.
Thank you for listening
(B (I 6 April 2010) )
(I 2:56 am)
Amy Chan : [A+]
Min : [A+]
Kurishi Aiko : [C]
Catherine charming Selingr : [A]
Niki Gero-Gero : [A+]
(b (i (#ff0066 Saika Visual Kei Ceria : [B+])))
JasMin -Hazu: [A+]
Tina Leung : [A]
Kuso Bakimono : [A- ]
Soumeya Abou : [B+]
Kati Eberhart : [B+]
Janelle Faulve- : [A+]...
Nicole Faulve- : [A+]
Marj La Madrid : [A+ ]
Emily Tidd : [B-]
Alicia Nibarger : [C+]
Nur Fatin Azwa : [C]
Eliz : [B+]
Sarah Jane Ilagan : [A- ]
I did it!!! I truly did it!! I got a high score!!
(i (b (#000000 Saika X.T. Ceria 'I did it! There's hope for me yet' 7:08am [central-US] 4/6/10)))
But I dodged him in the halls.
Was he calling my name?
No that was my imagination.
He looked up at me.
That's what Kathy said.
:| there's this pain.
Deep in mmy gut.
Watching Annie to calm my sorrows. ._.
(B (I 6 April 2010) )
(I 3:58 pm)
Why didn't I tell you to leave?
Why do I let you do this?
Why do I let you hurt me, hurt her?
I don't know
I wish I had done it
I really, really do.
But I can't now.
(i I want a real daddy..)
April 6th, 2010 4:03pm
When humans are born, were humans.
When we die were humans.
When frogs are born there fish..
When frogs die there frogs.
That's no fair.
I officially hate frogs now.
And not just because there
- Full of diseases
--Same old me.
We're always moving somewhere, doing something.
Why does every single sentence have to have a verb in it?
Maybe I want to lie on the grass, and watch the sun go down, and stay to enjoy the starshine.
Maybe I want to stay here, in this dark room, on the bed, talking with you, forever,
And not worry about tomorrow.
Only that they are problems, and that causes a problem in itself, in a way, for their is the problem to figure out the problem that original presented themselves. And that was suppose to be the smart bit, or so what a smart piece would look like.
It always seems I am blind to the system of which probably others would understand more. Especially of the recent fact that came to my attention, (i that happiness and, or confidence has more then one side of the coin, that in exchange for either of those that something should be given in return.) It is only a problem when there is virtually no control over the car, no control on which side the coin falls on.
Then there is no control on the (i fall) the coin suffers. Such a horrible thing it is- like a fish suffocating in it's own field of element, water, but with the lack of oxygen survival is not an option.
It is by the time the coin reaches the surface of whatever lays beneath it with the verdict laid out for anyone to see that anyone outside of the issue can lecture about (i how there is more to life then to try and survive in it).
Instead of picking the coin back up again. It is all just a destructive cycle of something that is most likely created from something fake.
No one intends to stop the flow of these events too soon. Because nothing is happening, true?
(b -(i Something that can at least think out loud in English).
(i Happy seventh day of April, that happens to be on a Wednesday, 01:13 AM.)
It makes me anxious
It makes me lost
It makes me run
It makes me restless
If only there is a long pause for me to gather my senses, I would not feel those feelings. I would be cruising along, counting down to the end of the day. Though I fret for the sun to set and the moon to rise. I have things that are left unfinished that are suppose to be finish when I rest my head against the pillow. The unfinished business are going to pile up and fall like a tall tower of files, leaving me Chaos on the floor.
Reverse, Pause, Play, Fast Forward, STOP!
Stop for me and take a little breather. Like you are going to wait for me, you go and leave me behind.
You are not really nice, Time.
9:19 PM/ EST Time.
Screeetch. It rings in my ears, heart
But it's alright
It's nothing to be afraid of
Nothing to be nervous about
(i Yet I am.)
I'll be fine
Fine once I cross the threshold
Then I can breathe
Then my heart will slow
(i I'm alright.)
April 6th, 2010 5:22pm
You're the only one who knows
It's hard. Trying to mask my feelings for you. I didn't think. I didn't want. This. Why. Can't it just. I just.
God. I wish you'd look at me.
And see. What you're doing to me.
(B (I 6 April 2010) )
(I 9:47 pm)
Created and commissioned by me, to me, dear me.
Utter nonsense, my brain is empty and I take it day by day, because I can't really focus on anything but tomorrow ... no further than that.
And if you think you're so cool -you're wrong.
It's almost pathetic to see you flail about in your own misery.
Because I can see behind that mask, you know?
And you can act brave and say that it isn't true, but it'll only cause me to grow silent anyway.
Ah, I'm such a despicable human being.
Things have changed, I've become ... too involved.
Time for a retreat, I suppose.
They say I always leave at the peek ... and ask how I know, whether or not there'll be more fun to be had but ...
I've seen enough for now.
At least now, you haven't seen the real me completely.
The charm is still there -you're left wanting more.
We need the darkness to recognize the light.
We need ... cold to feel the warmth.
We need ... death to feel alive.
Hey? Want to die for me?
I've been wondering about that, really. But it's not entirely true. Even with death underneath my fingers, life escapes me -especially then so would that imply that life and death are not opposites?
If thoughts were food, we'd never go hungry.
(b [07-04-2010, Me, 11:00 am])
an upwelling of confusion.
the mountains there.
just a little more.
you got it, come on go.
the expected isn't expected like the exception.
(b -Should be doing homework.)
(b 8:42 AM)
Although I love the numb feeling of my mouth, I hate the taste of the numbing gel. I even told them that.
I didn't feel a thing, not even the shot.
I was shaky and scared -- and all for nothing.
Worried for nothing.
I think that 98% of everything you worry about, doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
I hate being told 'good job, sweetie' for opening my mouth or biting down on something. I'm 18, not 5.
Maybe sometimes I don't want to grow up -- but I honestly don't need or want a golden star for opening my mouth. It really isn't that hard. I promise.
I know they were trying to be nice and friendly, but I felt completely inferior after. Maybe that's what they were going for too.
I hate dentists and dental hygienists.
That is all.
Wednesday the 7th
-- Numbing pain
One thing you should know, I'm don't mother effin' trace!
I absolutely despise tracing.
It's because of two reasons.
1. I'm horrible at tracing, it's not a even a smooth line. It all squiggly and shit.
2. I harshly critique myself. If I trace, I find myself weak and then I can't learn from it.
Jeez, people. Art portfolio and Painting & Drawing class has made me improve. I'm not stuck drawing anime anymore. This drastic change does not mean I cheated, yet you insist I did even though you haven't seen it for yourself.
All I'm asking is for a little bit more faith in me.
(i Blows hair out of my eyes)
Tappin' that pencil to my own beat,
Kind of sad, honestly.
Just like how people in taekwondo assume that someone can or cannot do something because of their belt colour.
April 7th, 2010 2:57pm
I kinda failed.
You don't get it.
And people sa they get it.
But they don't get it.
I'm like a fucking leech
Living off of your existence
You. I need you.
And it's bad.
No one should need someone like this.
Taking over. You're all I think about.
You're justt another Andrew overrunning my life.
And you smiled at me today. The first time in 2 weeks you've been "nice"and acted towards me.
You don't know what wonders a smile can make.
And now I'm alone again. To think of that mistake.
What a mistake.
What a mistake.
But I don't regret it.
I just wish.
You'd kiss me. And stop thinking.
7 weeks left. Make the most of it.
Because you'll be gone.
And I'll be left with the memory of a broken heart. Again.
Tell me. Yes or no.
Don't leave me wondering.
Nothing hurts more than an open wound
(B (I 7 April 2010) )
(I 4:10 pm)
I'm determined to see this through.
I'm putting all this in one go. Force with speed.
Heh. What am I saying?
I'm saying that this isn't a time for me to hesitate, this is not a time for me to sigh and cry.
This is a time to stand my ground. You won't knock me over. Because I won't let you.
No one can make me feel like dirt, the way I can.
And thats the way it should be.
So go on, stare, whisper, gossip, mutter.
Watch me prove you wrong.
(b Enjoy the ride.)
Let's Do This mode.
8th April 2010
(i A morning where I breathe bravely.)
And moments when we must keep words to ourselves
But some words are so important
That you can't help but tell
Only HOPING you get the response you want
You made me believe you were the cure for my every kind of pain,
You made me think that it was you I was to obtain
To keep from going insane
You had become my own cheesy brand of heroin
You're love would take control of my veins.
And addiction wasn't far away already I knew
It would become impossible to get through days without you.
You had control of my body
Determined my actions my emotions
And found myself becoming vulnerable
As I would open
Up my heart
And pour out my devotions
I started doing the things I swore I would never do,
Falling after what I had just gotten threw
And for a while things were cool
You had me convinced
That we were heading in the right direction
And I was beggining to think
That my luck had changed
It was then I lost my will
To walk away
But you changed
You became distant
You're eyes escaped mine
People ask questions qith concern
And I did what I did best
I wanted to let you go and get you out of my way
I tried the hardest to forget your face
I had feared conronting you
Not knowing if I had the right words to say
And by the time those 3 words escaped my lips
It had become too late
There's a time and a place for everything
And moments when we must keep words to ourselves
But some words are so important
That you can't help but tell
Only HOPING you get the response you want
And I'll still hoping
Because it's you
And I'm not sure if you'll ever
Look me in the eyes again
If you'll hop the invisible border
And pretend all this ever happened
If you choose to break my heart
You'll tell me before you do
Because nothing is worse
Than an open wound
(I This has no direction)
To become reacquainted with an old friend. I at times wonder. Who exactly am I? Such trivial matters all and all. I'm me. Plain and simple. But yet, why do I occasionally have problem seeing this me? I don't know. Some topics have been spoken here and there that for the longest time, they have been at the back of my head. Perhaps just waiting for the moment to reemerge itself. Will this help my find me? No, since I'm here. But my Muse may show up again.
(i (b Growing Up))
Growing Up. At times such a small concept. Maybe it is small. But when one delves deeper into the topic. Things tend to blur.
When we were young its almost common talk as kids to say "I'm going to be an astronaut, or a Movie star" along with other rather childlike ideals. You're a kid, what types of ideals should you have? Aside from ones that are childish in the beginning. Sometimes these ideas do come to be fact. A career and not just a fantasy.
18, 18 at least in the US you are legally considered an adult. You can buy cigarettes and vote. Not a whole lot of variety. Since you are still considered an adolescent, you can't do much of anything else with co-signs and what not. Yet you can get kicked out of your home. But you can't do anything without your parents, more or less. A contradiction it seems.
Once at this golden number, responsibilities seem to just come crawling from the wood works. You are expected to be in school, have a career in mind, and get a job if you're lucky. Granted there are cases where these things come early, but I'm going on the general, if not stereo typical outlook on this.
As the lights are turned on. You are taken from the shelter from the shadows of your fantasies. Expectations come about and you may find yourself wondering. "What the hell happened? Where did my time go? Where did my childhood go?" I myself find these questions coming about. So much has changed but it seems like time has other plans and thrust you out naked into the 'Real World.' Suddenly now it�s your move. What do (i you) want to do with yourself? The guiding hands stop helping you. And you are stuck with dealing things on your own. Alright, I lied. Maybe not all hands are gone, all help isn't lost. But it at times seems harder to find help. Help from different sources. Or the willingness of others to help you. You're an adult, figure it out yourself, being such a remark.
But even though growing up, is flat out scary at times. Sometimes all you have to do is make do with what you do have available and what life may toss your way. This can be positive or negative. Unknown being a better word. Since you don't know what life may have up its sleeve. Advice? Keep bonds you have tight and treasure them. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. Another idea is that, you may (i seem) alone in this. But others are in the same situation. At one time, everyone has dealt with this. Some are still working on it. In response to this, it makes it okay to not know. It isn't a crime to not know, since let�s face it. A lot of people don't know what is going to come with their life. A sense of no control. An unknown, leading to fear of it. But you are in control of yourself that is something that you can never truly lose. It may be difficult to find your controls but they are there. So take life and growing up in stride, think a little ahead be a few steps ahead. But don't fret over knowing the exact details of the future. If that happens you lose your present. But also do not linger too much in the past or else you may miss your future.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called 'the present.'"
~ Oogway - Kung Fu Panda -
I can be so childish at times it makes me smile. :]
(i Ramblings at around 3:40 am April 8, 2010 )
~(i Hanyou) ~
As stated briefly early. I have been wondering about who I am? What makes me, me? I guess the thought is always there, somewhere buried perhaps but still (i somewhere) in my head.
(i (b A Glimpse of Me))
I am this, but I can also be that. Different facets of the same person. But a person is a complex individual hard to narrow it down to being just a few things. Ultimately? I tend to keep to myself. Keep a few comments to myself. My boss said this is a good quality, to practice restraint with saying certain things. Not just blurting out things that come to mind, or talk behind others back. Or being insultive about this. Keeping your opinions to yourself. Sure I can do that. But that's mostly for formal occasions and so forth. In the company of people I'm not close with. Acquaintances and superiors perhaps.
Informal? With friends? I was considered by one friend to be blunt. I say what's on my mind, and go with it. Contradiction much? Maybe but this is almost expected, different social setting different reactions and so forth. The informal side of me, and perhaps others. Being what may fall under as your (i true) self. The person you are deep down and may pop up on occasion in other situations. In either case, I'm an optimist through and through. My Dad asked if I see anything as being definite. I do but when I talk to him, we sort of counter each other statement. Him saying some of the negatives, I go with the positives. He always smiles in the end though. I like my shades of grey. Since they give room for maneuverability. Granted I still lean more on the positive end of the scale.
Being sweet, has been another trait often associated with me. At least so it seems. Graduated High School and some of the Senior pictures I received from my friends had messages on the back of them. All of the seem to comment somewhere about being sweet and kind. And to (i stay) that way. Well of course I will. Why be something I'm not? Rather be hated by being something I am, then to be loved by something I'm not. Easy enough to follow. My Mom spoke of being patient, being a people person. I agree on both terms. But there are times I am impatient, but well that�s to be expected. She said I'm good with people, I'm understanding, and down to earth. Easy to get along with. I know how to say things at times so that I won't be rude. But just as though I can say the wrong thing and make a huge mess out of something like that. Granted I'm sure to say something to make up for my error.
But even with that being said. I honestly can't say exactly where my attitude came from. Some theories have shown that core personality qualities are genetic. So in that sense, sort of luck of the draw with the gene pool. Other things come about from the environment. Perhaps just a matter of perspective can resolve the issue of such things. Looking at something from a different angle then others, affects how you see the world.
Regardless on the whys and such behind these things. I'm happy about who I am and so far how I have come out, so to speak. Eh lets just end it and say I'm happy with myself. Could use some polishing here and there, but no one's perfect. A work in progress in getting such things figured out.
A personal first with explaining this much on my own character. Explanations or not. I'm still Hanyou. Don't like? I don't care. :]
(i Rambling (b still)) (i at around 4:30am April 8, 2010)
~ (i Hanyou) ~
Some yearn for it, for one reason or another.
Others fear it. But sort of hard to fear something that is inevitable.
Living to die.
Dying to live.
Lines mentioned elsewhere here or in the old one.
Depending on your beliefs, affects how one sees it.
A beginning, an end.
A mystery all and all.
Perhaps some yearn for death, since their life hasn't been that grand.
Maybe they feel they have seen and done everything there is to do with life.
So bring on the next challenge.
A new beginning.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem may be the case.
Despite the bleakness of it.
I find it to be a fascinating subject.
Because there are no facts on it.
Speculations, science fact or fiction may be the case. But nothing (i solid.)
All of it is a matter of perspective and opinion of others.
So in that regard, up to free comment on it.
Since you can't be wrong on your opinion of such things.
Dying to live, living to die.
An interesting statement.
One could be viewed as a positive.
The other a negative.
Or simply just a neutral statement.
Since the two counter each other.
I had never had a brush with death.
Heard about some who have had near death experiences.
Flashes before your eyes.
Maybe future happenings.
But I never felt tugged in by the claws of death.
Do I want a brush with it?
No, not really.
A brush can turn more permanent, then what's the point of it?
I never really tempted death either.
At least not purposely.
Sort of time and circumstance.
When I was young, the idea came to my head once or twice.
I never acted on it.
Figured I still had plenty left to see of life, to be staying with death.
I am living to die.
Can't do much but live.
The wheres and such of that life changing with the person.
May as well make do what life has given me.
And then die.
I am dying to live.
Perhaps this dying being more so my drive.
My desire to want to live.
And to stay living until my time does come.
When that time does come.
I hope I can look back, and enjoy myself.
Having no regrets on my choices.
Regrets are rather useles anyways.
Can't change anything, so accept them and move on.
Easier said then done depending on the case.
But if I were to die soon.
I can look back, and smile.
I lived my life how I want to.
Made mistakes, and learned from them.
Thus avoid regrets altogether.
I'm content with what I do have.
Rather life will continue or not.
All a matter of time and probably circumstance.
Whatever will be, will be.
(i Honestly has no damn clue why still up. 4:48am April 8, 2010 )
~(i Hanyou) ~
We are a mess, both of us, heck, all of us. Do you hate me because I'm the only one who can keep themselves together long enough to reach a checkpoint?
Then why can't you just let me fall to piece now? I didn't know you understood. Or maybe you don't and all of this is just an annoyance. Like you, since I don't care as much for you as others. But no one really cares for you, so I guess I must.
It is not fair, methinks. Everyone else is allowed to succumb to their sorrows, their joys, their hopes, their dreams. But I never remember falling in public, I can't remember the last time I was happy, I can't remember anything much that happened a day before today.
So if I write down everything, in five years time will I understand what raw emotions were hidden in my written memories? Or would I think I was just being silly and leave my entries for the dust and moths.
You judge me for the simple fact that you believe I can take it. Am I that strong?
Don't you remember my reaction when you lost my phone charger? I don't use my phone at all but it was my phone charger and you lost something that belong to me, not you, but me.
Don't you remember when you just simply used my seahorse pencil to scribble something down when in fact the pencil had more sentimental value, personally, then you could understand? Would you understand, now, how many letters, words, sentence, paragraphs that I have written with that pencil, what I wrote, everything I expressed through it?
You simply used it to write a memo down.
I am sensitive. That is all. I cannot change who I am, and if I can I will choose not to.
That does not label me as weak in anyway, but the fact is I am. True, people can grow stronger. I will, eventually.
Just give me some time... that is all I ask for.
Stop screaming in my ear... I could already hear you when you didn't speak.
(i 08/04/2010, 10:59.)
I am searching for excuses that aren't there.
Or are they?
What is the limit, to what point might something affect you and how do you tell when you don't feel anything at all; really?
I feel like crying -but am I truly sad?
It this tightness in my chest perhaps, because I simply climbed too many stairs?
And when I found myself failing ... to put up another step.
How did I manage to run? Turn, and back-track?
So here I am, not shattered nor broken, but frozen in time.
I rather like it, but the setting needs to change perhaps.
A different window to peer out of, and another quiet -one I can handle. A gentleness of nature with the soothing balm of changing seasons.
I want to experience these in a new setting, and again and again if I have to.
Perhaps I was born to run. Flee.
Sometimes, I wonder where I was, when they taught how to do away with cowardice -because obviously. I haven't been paying attention much.
Run, run, run, from what you are, because though you learned to watch the mirror, you deliberately forgot to see it.
I'm just trying to find excuses, for these tears.
Because I don't know where they came from, or what they're doing here ... any more.
I want to be devoid of responsibility.
I want to hide all day long in stories that are not mine.
Just so I don't have to see.
What lies in the mirror.
Why am I me?
(b [08-04-2010, Not Me, 3:27 PM] )
Everyone looks at me and just walks by.Im alone in this little workd.I have one person who only seems to get me,but even they dont know me really.
I beath but for nothing or anyone,None cares.I walk in this land where nothing seems real its a dream i want to wake up from.A dream where someone care i guess i just needed to say this.Why do i beath,when time is nothing to me and im nothing to no one.
Something more direct then those two letters.
You see, you obviously don't get the idea, the definition of no.
No - when someone denies your action
No - when someone denies your idea
No - when someone answer your question
When you hold my hand and hold a firm grip. (r No)
When you suggest the idea of you and me. (r No)
When you asked if I would go out with you. (r No)
It's been three years since we met, including this year, and the answer is still the same when it was three years ago. My feeling never falter with you.
You had so many girlfriends.
You tell me that you like so many others too.
Is it fickleness?
I don't think you understand how I feel about this idea of a "relationship".
I'm not the type of person to go for anyone that ask me out.
Though I do admit I had a moment of fickleness and I regret it.
Now I'm making the decision to not have a "someone" at this point of my life.
I'm going to stick to it, I know it will be hard sometimes, but I'll make it.
I'm going to do what I want to do first and then maybe look for a "someone". I'm feeling selfish and I do not want to give up my time and dreams for anyone at the moment.
Just not now, when I can easily confuse my heart and mind.
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way you do.
Don't hold my hand.
Don't put your arms around me.
Makes me wondering what you are trying to say.
Makes me feel awkward.
I spoke my words firmly and clearly, yet you seem not to hear them
Let's just be friends,
Sorry had to name you^^
Anyway.Nothing but pain those last few days.You know when things started out great then turn bad? Well thats my life.I don't know what to do any more.I'm going carzy just thinking about what may happen next.
Anyway i love the new Es.EVerything on one stie xD
Well i think thats it really o.o
I will talk to you soon
(i Love always)
(r Maya Darheart)
(blue Time: 4:51 pm.Date: Apr 08-10)
What object is served by this circle of misery and violence and fear?
It must tend to some end, or else our universe is ruled by chance, which is unthinkable.
But what end?
There is the great standing perennial problem to which human reason is as far from an answer as ever.
(B Maybe I'm just overthinking things.)
(I 23:14 Thursday)
Then that statement should apply to everything because (i technically), man made pretty much everything.
Hint Hint, little bird.
If it's in this world, having several witnesses and users. Then it exist.
I really wish time did not exist.
I'm mostly to blame because I waste it.
Currently in a Lady Gaga mood,
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