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Honestly, fuck you. You never truly gave a shit.

[size10 if you're real, why don't you just kill me and get this over with? i'm too tired for this shit. it's too hard to live.]

[size10 i can't constantly think that i'd be better off dead, or my life started to late to get anywhere. i have too much i missed out on. too much i never got to learn, do, experience, and life is nothing more than burden on my shoulders at this point.]

[size10 i wish i was, but i'm not strong enough. i get punished for having symptoms of my mental illness, which just perpetuates them anyway. it's any endless cycle, and i genuinely don't have the strength to fix it anymore.]

[size10 nothing i do even matters. no matter what, i'm a burden. no matter what, i'm a disappointment. no matter what, i'm not good enough.]

[size10 it's too hard. i can't do it.]

[size10 just kill me in my sleep already. i don't want to have to do it myself.]

[size10 i can't do this anymore.]

[size10 i rather float in limbo than deal with this.]

[center [size11 i've reminded myself of my own personal hell. oops. at least it's a laugh of a time...

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOzM4ClFG1o]

i should probably stop while i'm ahead.]]

[center [pic https://i.postimg.cc/kgwZwVff/tenor.gif]]

I kept running
im blind
mind fuzz, baby?

who were you last night?
can you please
grow up?

it doesn’t have to be a tree,
u cancer.

i just gotta put that shit in a box, bro. tie that shit with a bow and blow.

One thing I refuse to do, is to entertain anyone’s pity party. I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime and never progressed like I have today. Also, I stay bitter with people who go on jealous rants about anything other people do that’s successful all the while anything they do themselves is not gaining any sort of audience. Go cry or touch grass.

I just saw I'd hit 10 years as a member on this site, and it's made me a bit nostalgic. 10 years ago, I was living a very different life. I had just dropped out of school in year 11, I'd become homeless for the first time, a fact I had to work very hard to keep from my friends and even some family. I began to use hallucinogens for the first time, and quickly became dependant. And all the drinking. I had to compartmentalize all of this from the people in my life, and lead to some pretty severe mental health issues.

It's been a pretty long road since, and I've fucked up a lot. Like, a fucking [I whole lot]. But even though it took me a while, the last few years I've been able to start to come good. Reconnected with friends and family, excised the more toxic relationships and tried to focus on myself. Im entirely clean of everything bar the occasional drink, a milestone i never thought id reach. Even started talking to people here again, which is wild. ES was always somewhere I would drop in on a few times a year, checking in on things and generally being a lurker. But it's definitely been a constant, and I'm very grateful for that.

I know there's a lot of young people on this site, a lot of people that might be struggling at home, or at school or work, or anywhere. I know things can get real dire, and you can feel like you're drowning and there's no one there to help. But you can always make it through, there's always another step forward. Just stay strong kiddos, and you can become an old Aussie grump too.

it feels like i'm sinking into despair. i really don't know what to do because i can't trust anyone with these thoughts in my head.

i can't shake it off. my body feels tingly and too heavy to carry.

i don't want to do this anymore.

Some of these little motherfuckers are stressing me out. I do not want to see a repeat of the original ES site, overrun by horny tweens and groomers. Can we [b n o t] ????

[size10 y'all make me feel like such a worthless waste of space no matter what i do. and i'm sick of you throwing that i have nowhere else to go in my face every chance you get. that's fucked up and you, especially you, know how that affects me.]

[size10 i give up. i'm tired of trying to make y'all proud of me, because it's impossible.]

[size10 i think your sisters realized that ages ago.]

[size10 hey, mom? remember when i was little, and you'd always tell me when i was heartbroken about something, that i wore my heart on my sleeve?]

[size10 i remember resenting that. i didn't want to leave myself so vulnerable and easy to hurt. and because of you and dad, i learned to cover it up.]

[size10 now it's so armored and rusted i can't crack it off. it's layered and layered and no amount of digging gets it off. i don't know how to access that part of me anymore...]

[size10 he told me to let myself feel things, and that it's okay to be soft. but it puts me in a state of sheer panic. i feel like the idea of opening up is as bad as being put in a life or death situation. being vulnerable means getting stepped all over.]

[size10 and yet i want people to be vulnerablr with me, ha. the irony.]

[size10 listen, mom. i'm going to unlearn what you taught me. i'm kind of tired of feeling this way, unable to get to my own emotions without a wash of fear.]

[size10 maybe to you it's weakness, but to me, it's always been a superpower. i want to do that. i'm scared, but i want to do that.]

[size10 agh, i'm worried. i'm super worried]

[size10 why can't i just do better when it comes to these things? i feel like i'm constantly fucking up]

[size10 i have all these barriers up that i just wish i could let go of..... but i'm struggling to]

[size10 i want to let him in so bad and do him right]

[size10 i need to talk to him about this and stop getting cold feet last second..]

.
.
.
...........
I’m really excited for Stone Ocean! Like, I find enjoyment in the smallest of things now. I’m entertained by the simplest of stuff now too. Like, folding clothes is now fun? Maybe I’m losing it, but it all keeps my mind from straying to the darkest part of my psyche.

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/aIKk7Bt.jpg?1]] [size10 Logged in for a moment just to look around, was just about as disappointed in this place as I figured I'd be. Realized Victor hasn't seen the new website yet so we told him to log on and look and the best part about him looking... is now our usernames are in each other's related. What a fucking trip to realize that that would also be a part of him living here now. Yet we all collectively shouted in amazement like a pack of children. So weird that within 2 weeks of mentioning once again that we should have him come move here, he's just.. here now. What a weird fucking existence this is now. We just all here vibin, Victor bein here now, Des being a growing artist and me starting up crested gecko breeding. Wtf is this year so far dude. Idk but I want some more. Pour me another glass of Captain Morgan my dudes, we make this our year.]

[#FFD700 [b [size10 This is a general overall message for water sign placements of any kind. Even if you may not have water in your chart, take what you feel resonates and leave the rest of it behind (This is timeless. Meaning, whenever you see this, it was meant for you. If it isn't you, it may be someone you're dealing with who also has water in their chart.):

There is a new start coming towards you, and it is making you hopeful for the future. Despite this, there is also a sense of something in need to be released -- I get the idea once you release this, you will be seeing something for what it is. No more rose-tinted goggles, but what it is.

[s “It is what it is”, That’s how you can tell someone does NOT GIVE A FUCK, MAN. EKJRJG Take it under wing and detach, lil’ water babes.]

A friend group or romantic partner has left you with a broken heart, and I get the sense it more so has to deal with a friend group -- take it as it resonates. This group and/or person, despite how kind they were to you in the past, were delaying you. There has been competition around these/this connection(s). It has broken apart somewhat recently.
I get the idea you’re someone who stands out and is very different, like, the cat in the deck was playing with fire, scaring the other ones which were depicted. This group/person doesn’t like the uniqueness you hold. It scares them.

33 -- This number is dealing with communities, the cards pulled dealt with a sense of delays and heartbreak. The longer I stared at these cards, the more the channeled lyrics came in. Specifically the first line, “I’ll leave you choking.”

[right Channeled Lyrics:
I’ll leave you choking
On every word you left unspoken
Rebuild all that you’ve broken
And now you know... -- Throne, BMTH]


[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wZqjFryiSM]]

The inner work water placements should be focusing on at the given time pertains to their inner child, and if it resonates, more specifically, abandonment. If not, there is still a sense of parental wounds which need to be invested in, so, I’d suggest looking at mother and father wounds in order to understand and see how those may apply to you.

These people left you out in the cold. And, because of that, it made you turn your back and go on this new journey, also. It is due to this, you are choosing yourself, no ifs ands or buts about that decision. You’re putting your foot down over this matter. You’re sick of it (energy turned quite aggressive at this point, like, you’re really done, man.).

You are going through a transformation, not everything is as black and white as it may initially appear for it to be. There is also a support group around you, despite this previous community you were once part of. They are able to assist you, if you so allow them to! Even if not, there are guides around you offering support, and you are very grateful with where you are at, at this given time.


[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38rQO3dMZrc]]

The chakra which requires focus on at the given time is the crown. Due to so much focus being put on the material plain at the given time, there is a need to reach out to your higher self, a need to gain ‘higher knowledge’ or ‘understanding’. Sit with yourself for a minute to reflect and see what is hidden before pushing forward.

You’re abundant either way, and you know that.
Keep pushing, and get in touch with your emotional side when you can, okay? You’re starting to slowly sink and surrender to what’s been going on.

(Thank you for dealing with me, and farewell. I hope these assist anyone who comes across them, if they require it at the given time~!)

[b [size10 [#800000

{Hey, I’ll stop these after I reach water signs nwn I’m sure these could get a little... nuisance based, if I flooded this thread with only general readings. Water, and I’ll be done after. Thank you.}

This is a general overall message for fire sign placements of any kind. Even if you may not have fire in your chart, take what you feel resonates and leave the rest of it behind (This is timeless. Meaning, whenever you see this, it was meant for you. If it isn't you, it may be someone you're dealing with who also has fire in their chart.):

What the fuck are y’all running from----

Something has happened to cause a desire to get more recluse. And, in a sense, this very aspect is challenging you at the given time. You are pushing emotions down, when you should be “letting these feelings flow” (channeled message). You are someone who may be more verbal, as you need to speak, let your thoughts roam, before you are able to conclude what you’re feeling and why you are feeling that at the given time.

You and your person are turning their backs on one another, more work is being placed elsewhere, triggering you to walk away (I commented on reading about this earlier, something called the “replacement method” -- it’s where one replaces a person’s love and affections for an object. It doesn’t HAVE to be an object, as it can be another person, as well {multiple individuals in cards}.). You are being challenged to look outside of this anxiety and fear; everything is not as it seems.

You’re being asked to reflect and balance your external vs your internal. It’s that separation of people; of, “What makes me me, versus what makes the other person them?”

You’re pushy in your approach, and that isn’t all too bad to have! It’s admirable to want to go out and try and fix things with your own two hands. However, that isn’t what is being asked right now. We can’t always be in control of everything, as much as we would like to be (guilty!!!).

There is a sense of not being enough, and the question is: What makes you think this?
There’s an inferiority complex, or a case of ‘imposter syndrome’. You’re doing far better than you think you are, give yourself the credit where it is due.

Take whatever thoughts you may be having and bring them down here. It can be in any form of activity (writing, dancing, working out, knitting/crocheting, drawing...), these overbearing thoughts need an outlet. Otherwise, it will cause you to have a melt down.

[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1DSD57DZSc&t=9709s]]

Synchronicities -

Bats: Dealing with vampirism and reincarnation
Mercury: The planet which rules communication. This conflict may has happened due to the way you both enunciate yourselves. The king of swords was in reverse when I was speaking of this in my reading for you guys, showing someone may be an energetic vampire in the connection. Be mindful of this and mind games when it comes to you or your person.

Numerology -

88 - 8’s deal with karma, whatever you put in, you get out. The sense of consistently walking away and having your anxieties/inner child wounds surfacing is causing this “dummy input, dummy output” for you guys. You’re being challenged to break free of your limiting mindset and see there is more here than initially meets the eye.
99 - 9’s are a completion of a cycle. You’re being challenged to balance your work and ‘you’ time. You may be someone who surrounds themselves with other people and allow them to influence you, which is NOT what you need right now. Who knows what’s best for you, other than you, hm?
44 - 4’s are a stabilizer number. In my reading, there was a theme of keeping to yourself a LOT. Whatever this matter and situation is, it should be spoken to with the person you are currently butting heads with. Having another interject and speak will cause your judgement to sway. You know what is right. You do not require any outside confirmation.

Side note;
You guys are also trying to come off as more confident and assertive. Be attentive to your posture and how you appear to others (chin tucked, shoulders held back...), as posture holds subtleties on how one may see you.

[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s8R8vR53n4&t=15699s]]

Ah, final words:

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO TF IT IS I’M TALKING ABOUT. STOP PLAYIN’. Do ur work, ma’am/sir.

You're also protected and on the right path, do not worry (I saw 444 as well owo!).