Role Play Online

Testing.

I had a dream about meeting you.

Triggered by my friend asking ‘How long have you been together, and have you met him yet?’

Triggered by memories.

'Of course I wouldn't date someone I hadn't met.'

A night together in my dreams. How peaceful - lying together with you under the stars. Talking about the magic of it all.

And then I wake up and remember you were a snake in the grass. Watching my agony. Betraying me when you thought I would never find out. I'm glad the dream version of you wasn't a nightmare. That would've ruined much-needed rest.

9 million strong.

A city heaving with people. Every street crammed, many fighting to rent the smallest matchbox which becomes available. A Landlord's paradisal oasis, an average person's hellish desert.

It's unimaginable that so many of us are lonely in this busy landscape. And yet so many of us are. Too much to do and too little time. Its a miracle for two people to be spontaneously free at the same time - with the interest and energy to hang out with one another. And yet I know in my richocheting mind that most of you will be feeling lonely tonight, wishing you had something lined up to look forward to after a long week.

My mind is in two places these days - a chaotic duality I have no strength to control. I want to stop moving. Gather moss on my shoulders. Be left in silence. I want to race ahead - feel the wind in my hair, leave others behind. Swoop upwards, see how far I can go, just how much I can achieve before my body breaks down further. Before something comes out of the left field and removes my ability to move. 

Mid-life crisis, hello. I can put your mantle over my shoulders, now that I've reached appropriate age. Despite you having always been beside me my whole life. My familiar shadow.

On the highway to hell.

Depression crushing in. Burnout.

Alcohol. Numbs. Amplifies.

Sadness. Tears. A keenness.

Death? Can it solve (finally) this pain?
I want to live. For my family. I don't want to cause them pain.

And yet I can't shake off this pain. This bottomless ocean which I am sinking into. I see no path to salvation, no exit - an animal backed into a corner. Is suicide the only answer? The silent echoes tell me to make up my own mind. I have - for so long- been the pillar for others. Pushing others, supporting them, trying to keep them motivated to continue heading towards the path of happiness. 

My body is ageing, my hair is falling out, my every bit of youthful pride and beauty is fading (not that I had much to begin with). But self-pity is not the point. The point is my unhappiness. The pain the burden the pressure. The guilt. Of not living in a war-torn country, of not facing poverty, of being a part of this parasitical (destructive really) capitalistic society - of contributing to our extinction. My small one-life worries don't matter, if we're being quite honest. My vanity - my self-centered worries - really don't fucking matter. And yet here I am agonising - crying - breaking - over them.

I don't matter. My conclusion, for so long, has been that the end of my suffering will be short-term grief for a small number of people, but really a long term positive outcome for all involved. Indeed this post is possibly a cry for help. 

If you read this, don't reach out. Don't cry. Don't mourn. Know that it would be the end of one's suffering and possibly a contribution to the planet's salvation - and if not, I wouldn't be here to see it or know it, and so therefore who gives a fuck.

I loved you.

I love you.

I loved you, and you are gone.

I don't know where you may be - I don't know how you fare - I don't know how you have aged - I don't care.

I love you. I wish you well. I hope you're still alive. And I miss you, every day, years on.

And I grieve. But I remain grateful.

Finished a seascape puzzle 

A thousand pieces.

Dedicated until the end 

My drunk self's ultimatum: complete it or die.

I completed it. It glows in the dark 

Isn't it funny how i let an arbitrary puzzle decide my life?

I'm so tired.

Still earthbound.

I coped by getting a couple tattoos.

They're beautiful.

Taking these steps to heal my inner child.

I'm doing my best to not live permanently in fight or flight mode.