[center[pic https://i.imgur.com/t1CnO.gif]]

[center It's alright to walk away, to say no, to not want to give constantly. Do more of saying no. You have places to be, things to do, especially in the next year or so and it isn't going to be easy. It's going to probably be a rollercoaster and it's probably going to suck sometimes but the end result it worth it.
He is worth it, don't make his trust misplaced above anything else.]

[center Start buckling down, you have plans and time is a valuable asset. It's a gift, no one is entitled to it, you get to decide that. Make you choices, deal with the aftermath. Everything starts here. Be the change you need to see in yourself, 99 days is nothing. Sort yourself out, pick back up otherwise you are royally up a creek without anything to keep you floating.]

[center You are entitled to what you need, but it's on you to get it. No one is going to hand you anything, you dig yourself up and scratch those walls until your nails bleed if you have to.]

[center The people who want to be there, will be there at the end of it all, those who don't will have hit the road long before the end victory and won't be a thought. You choose who is given the energy, it's yours to give, no one else's. You are as fierce as you need to be, as gentle as you can be and no one gets to tell you otherwise.]

[center I dunno what to do. She's dying, the sweetest lady I've ever had the absolute honour to meet is dying and it's not quick, it's not graceful. It's long and it's painful. Goes to show there's no redemption at the end. I'm overly emotional today, high strung and if I wasn't crying over other things, then it was seeing Edna like that.]

[center It isn't fair, why would it be. Keep fucking up, you're doing great.]

A morning message wouldn't go amiss, a day, something. 

Still, time marches on. 

Busy yourself, you haven't enough time to keep everything together by yourself.

Maybe I can chip away at it. I ahtw stressing but if I can get it down as far as possible then I won't feel so bad. 


I need to catch up on everything, today is gonna be tough. I already feel exhausted as it is and a little lost, ill make it happen because I'm not quitting on something. 


Nightmares suck, at least its Saturday tomorrow. 


300 left, I've chipped away 700, I can do this. I know I can. 


The rest of today can just be relaxing, please.

I'm not really angry or mad. 


I'm just sad. 
I'm stressed out, I hate feeling disregarded, put aside despite trying my damnest to help. 


I'm just tired.

Just keep busy. 


Gotta send that letter off, organise work next week, fix the hair, print out stuff and do a bunch of writing. 


Looks like an all nighter. 


Least the stars are pretty.

It don't matter anymore.


I wait for a smidgen if something, anything. A message to wake up to, an indicator that this isn't an aborted mission. But no, it's silent treatment masquerading as never having time.


Its best I don't anymore. 


It's best I wait until I'm wanted rather than push myself on you. It might be a long wait  but hey, it's better than nothing  least that way only one of us is sad. 


Better to be complicit, obedient, speak when spoken to. 


I just gotta try and remember that. 
Detach from it all. Whatever compromises I make don't matter, it's not enough to spend each waking instance in a group, pleading for time. It's nit enough to express feeling unwanted, unattractive and undesirable only for it to start over the next day. Its not enough to just want to be heard. Its mot enough. It won't be enough. 


So I'll give it all up. Become nothing more than a friend with benefits. 


I sicken myself, it's no wonder I sicken you too.

Imagine the loneliness.

Why make plans. 


Everytime I do something else comes up, some other great priority that just so happens to come up. 


You want me to tell you, to be okay with just up and saying what I wanna do and when I do... this happens.


So why do it. 


Why end up upset, feeling stupid and put out. .


You don't miss out, you'll still go have a good time at the bar.


But hey, I gotta suck it up each time, right?

You were right. 


You aren't enough but you have to be if you don't you will lose it all. All the hard work, all the time, the effort, the moments, the future, you'll lose it so just don't. 


Don't be angry 
Don't be upset
Don't be tired 
Don't be excitable 

And most of all 


Don't. Be. Stupid. 


You didn't come this far to simply shove it all off, you didn't come this far to give up on it all and admit defeat. You know love, you know happiness, you know compassion so do it all focus on those things and it won't matter, nothing else will matter. 


You're not a bad person, you're a little broken, used up maybe and busted around the edges and sure, you absolutely do not deserve him by any means but you love him and that's the most important part that's what to focus on. 


Just focus on that. 


Maybe get a little more sleep, a little more energy. Maybe just be.