i think what's fucked is that i've been so empty. i've been so empty i've been digging desperately for anything. skin raw from searching. i rest in this tunnel. i breathe in the dirt that surrounds me. the roots softly cling to me with every wriggle. every desperate attempt to scoop my way to sustenance.
i've been brought to all fours. hoping and fooling myself into another fix.
i've been thinking about ending it lately.
i wake up not feeling rested, i sleep unsatisfied with my day. i feel like if i'm patient, i'll be rewarded. things will come around. someone will come by. something will happen.
but that's not how this riddle goes. i'm just alone. i want everything and nothing. i want happiness but cling to sadness. is this truly life? fighting every day and letting yourself lose and lose? i don't want it. if i say something, nothing will happen.
I feel stupid for even making an effort. I feel stupid for even giving out a nudge. I know it’s something that I can’t nurture alone. I know and I know it well. I thought maybe I could be someone. I could be something. I could finally be different than who I was before.
But staring at the air I’ve come to realize I am nothing. I am nothing significant. I want to give up even if I wasn’t even trying. Perhaps I cannot tame everything and anything. I’ve grown to see that. It’s painful.
I retract my challenge to you. I refrain from trying to let myself be swayed again.
Just k!lls me to always be here.
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