Well, it's almost the end of the first quarter, honestly, I'm probably going to fail Spanish Two for this quarter, but who knows? Maybe I'll pass the retakes for my tests and get an A, or that's what I hope for anyways. I'm so tired of dealing with school already, or more so the people. I like the friends I've made but [i slightly] dislike a few of them. Only the ones that are faker than my grandma's teeth.
I'm just [i so] tired of people being fake. At this new school, it seems the "trend" is either being two-faced or having a high ass ego. The freshman want to act like they scare me all the damn time, like fuck off. Maybe I just need to rant some- but seriously, could people be any better?
And also, why does everyone seem so proud of their darkest deeds? Someone tells me they've hit a vape once or they're higher than the ceiling and think they're cool now. Maybe I just don't understand it or something, but it's so stupid. And people think that having a rough family life at home is cool too, like yeah, okay. Some of it seems fake, but how can I say that when I'm going through some of the same things? I just feel that if you were somehow and/or someway being abused or bullied or just had a rough time that you wouldn't go telling every person you see in the hallway. Literally, I don't think any high school kid can help someone screaming, [b "my mom hit me last night"] (no joke) through the hallways. Go see someone or get help.
Rejection has seemed fun, I think. Unless I wasn't exactly rejected? I mean- he knows I like him and all but he hasn't said anything to me since Kylie told him that I was bound to ask him out. Guess I'll wait and see tomorrow- hopefully, things aren't awkward.
I never thought I'd be writing in a journal thread, but here it is. The "inside scoops of another user on ES." ES has been changing a lot recently, mostly just the users. All the new users I see every time I just take an unexpected break seem to be pretty friendly. Then again I mostly only ever have time to hang out and chat in the Chill Zone thread.
The sad thing is that most of my favorite people from ES have seemed to go missing or be taking a break, sadly. I hope to see them again one day, but only time will tell.
The first semester seems to have ended smoothly for me, and I'm so glad I passed my exams! The lowest exam grade I had gotten was a 70 on my journalism exam, which I'll take that. My teacher barely gives us any work that could be tested on so the fact I made a 70 surprises me.
I also managed to get my Spanish grade up from an F to a B, so it looks like I won't have to retake the first semester of Spanish 2! I'm quite surprised I was able to get my grade up at all. So now I have all A's and B's, but mostly A's.
I've been dating my current boyfriend since Halloween of this year, which is pretty cool considering the timing of it being on a holiday. Our relationship is going great so far and I'm so glad to have met a guy like him.
My anxiety has been getting worse recently, despite all the good things that I previously mentioned. My panic attacks will randomly occur anytime or any day. Catching my mind off guard and ceasing me when I'm weak. I think and reflect on the past all the time, which is ironic sort of since I'm always telling people to live in the present and be positive. I'm a hypocrite, I'll admit it.
It's also so hard for me to care about certain things anymore. The things I would have been hurt by I'm the past don't bother me if they were to happen today. People are expecting me to care, and I just can't find myself doing such thing.
I'm getting used to letting people down and others letting me down. Which isn't something I would want to be used to and just for it to be so normal for me is saddening. All I can do is try my best, and sometimes it just isn't enough.
I’m honestly so fucking tired of myself. It’s exhausting feeling the shit I feel, and I swallow down the feelings because it feels selfish. I feel selfish writing this post, but you know what? Fuck it anyway. Is it bad to feel selfish for writing about feelings? I wouldn’t know. I just feel selfish anyway.
Some people worry about me. I don’t know how to take it. I’m glad they care, but do I want them to? I’m unsure.
I pushed my best friend away in one moment. Accused him of something horrid. I hate myself for it still. He says he’s forgiven me, but has he? I have not forgiven myself. I don’t expect myself to ever.
I’m worried about him too. There seems to be a rift between us that I’m trying to fix. Is it me just overthinking or no?
He seems off. Different. More than the usual just panic attack or small troublesome worry. I’m scared for him. He says he’ll tell one day. I want to know just to take shit away from him. I’d do anything to make his life better. He seemed so close to just… giving up. I was never more scared in my entire life when it seemed that way. He’s lost a part of himself, or that’s how he put it.
Imagine he reads this. Embarrassing moment.
Seems I’m still stuck up on the same person. Fuck me. I’ve gained a new interest but still obsessed with the last one. Bitch ass move.
Fuck being human, honestly.
Site administrator now. It’s cool, yes, but also addicting and tiring. I’m attempting to juggle school and the site at the same time. It’s working better now, somewhat. I try to be as active as I can there, which is both a great and a horrible thing, I suppose.
And yet again, THIS site has changed. I’m loving the changes so far. Learning how to navigate it slowly. Now I don’t have to reload every time I’m waiting on a reply for a thread (not that I need that much anyway, unless I start committing to some roleplays) although that’s something I may miss. The anticipation of waiting for the reply, or a private message. Reloading and getting gleeful eyes whenever you see the red text going “this person has replied such and such minutes ago.”
It’s definitely come a long way. I’m still a young user, compared to the top dogs like Nullification and others. Which, I’m fine with.
Apparently there’s a literacy level? My alternate accounts literacy levels are higher than than my main account, which is ironic. Perhaps because I deleted most of my posts? Or I started roleplaying on one of my other alternate accounts instead of my main account. Doesn’t matter much to me though. I still got to get back into the swing of things before I worry about appearances. Which I don’t care about them much any way.
Also found some old friends. Waiting for Kanedgy to come online so I can bug his ass. No clue where Nataka is or Character. Found Catlover though, and Amy found me-! It’s quite fun to see how they’re doing. Hopefully some people remember me soon, but who knows.
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