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Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center To 2020: Fuck you. Screw the pandemic you brought in. I lost a month of work because of it, and while I'm happy to be back now, I'm tired of being screamed at for trying to follow our restaurants' policy. It is not my fault that we have a mask mandate. I hate it as much as the next person, but I'm not going to not follow it. I just wish people would wear the mask and either shut up, not go out or take it up with the man who put the mandate in place, to begin with.]

[center To my grandfather. Losing you was the hardest. It's still hard to believe. You were my absolute hero and I [i hate] with a passion how soon you were taken from us, and I tried. I really tried so hard to get there sooner, but you couldn't make it that long. I'm not angry that you couldn't. You knew you wouldn't make it past his birthday, but it's still really hard losing you so soon. Not only were you a hero as a firefighter, but you were also our hero, especially moms. I know she misses you just as much as I do. I'm sorry I didn't stay in Pennsylvania longer, but I promise I took care of grandma to the best of my ability so your daughters could handle the hard stuff. I love you, and I'll see you again someday, I know I will. You rest easy now.]

[center To W: I don't know how you're doing. It's been at least 2 years since we've talked, and to say I'm worried about you is an understatement. I was able to look at old messages now that ES has changed, and it hurt. Mostly because we lost contact again. I hope you're okay and well, and I hope we can speak again soon. I miss you. Wishing you the best.]

[center To C: I'm also worried about you. Facebook was the only way I knew to contact you outside of ES. I had some news to tell you, but it never got to happen, so it wasn't a huge deal anyway...but I still would like to talk to you about it because it may happen in 2022. Hopefully, you're also doing well. No matter what, you are still my friend and I care.]

[center To myself: Stop worrying about the things you can't control. You're doing the best you can and nothing has been easy for anyone since last year. Just keep doing the best you can with what you have and everything will be okay. s Dory says: just keep swimming! Also, happy birthday. Didn't think you'd make it this far, did you? Crazy. If only you could tell sixteen-year-old you. She would be so proud. Keep at it. You've got this.]

[right Renee. 2/6/2021]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center It's late and I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I'm worried. I need to know that you're alright...I pray that you are. If things work out the way I hope they do, I'll know soon enough. I have so many questions and, as of now, have no way to get answers. Fucking hell.]

[center I'll try to sleep now. Goodnight.]

[right Renee. 2/6/21]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center Alright. I've had worse birthdays, but getting sick at work sucks so much. I don't want to be sick on my birthday. Oh well. Life, right?]

[right Renee. 2/6/21]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center Birthday was better, so that was a relief. The family threw a little surprise, which was a lot of fun and really cute. The chocolates made up for the mess for sure, and the Squishmallow my sister got me is absolutely precious. Apparently, the corgi is a theater nerd and they got it for me because I, too, am a theater nerd.]

[center My mind is still racing, though, thinking about other things. I think that's what led to me feeling so sick at work. I tend to worry myself too much.]

[center Oh well. Things will fit into place eventually, I'm sure. For now, I'm going to go cuddle with my lovely cat Tweedle and try to get a fresh start to the day.]

[right Renee. 2/7/21]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center Saw some old edits I made. You still mean a lot to me. I just wish I could tell you.]

[right Renee. 2/7/21]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center Still making a 100 in my college classes AND I got another voice acting role today~! Things we're definitely better. Almost done with this quarter, too, which is a relief. Hopefully, classes will be over before I know it!]

[center Progress on my book is also going well. It's still not completely revised, but the voice actors I was able to get are amazing at what they're doing and everything is coming along perfectly. Can't wait to get it out into the world!]

[center Now, I'm going to go do some more bead art before heading to bed.]

[right Renee. 2/7/21]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center Really getting into True Crime novels. Not sure why, but I bought two of them today as a late birthday present (thank you, Grandmother, for the money!). I don't know what I'm going to really find out about, but the author wrote a bestselling novel about being friends with Ted Bundy, so that was enough to sell me.]

[center Also, getting back into RPing is a lot of fun. It's nice to escape from my own book and the tiring life that is work and school. I've also been getting better with some things that have been bothering me for years, so to say I'm proud of myself is an understatement.]

[center Going to reply to some threads now before settling in and reading one of those novels.]

[center Separate note: We're also expecting snow this coming week, which is exciting for the state of Texas. Anyone who lives in the southeast part knows snow isn't normal by a long shot. Fingers cross that work gets canceled for a day lol (it won't but a girl with no days off can dream).]

[right Renee. 2/10/21]
Burning_Heart     1y ago

[center Couldn't sleep..ended up staying up all night. Not sure how I'm going to function at work. Go figure. It's this stupid fucking headache.]

[right Renee. 2/11/21]
Burning_HeartFaith   1y ago

[center Got done with everything fairly early today. Doesn't help that I stayed home sick. I couldn't go in feeling the way I was. Hopefully, tonight won't be the same as last night. I don't think it will. I'm already feeling a bit tired. In any case, I'm probably going to go do some more bead art or read some more of the true-crime novel I picked up. It's very interesting so far, and the author spins the unfortunate tale very well.]

[center I also auditioned for another voice role, so fingers crossed that all goes well. Even if it doesn't, I can't complain because at least I tried. That's worth something, right?]

[center On another note, it's been days and I still don't have any answers. I won't lie, I'm scared. Worried sick. We may have not talked in a long time, but I never stopped caring. I just want to know that you're okay and to tell you that you still have a friend in me. Maybe you'll read this one day. Maybe you won't. I don't know, but either way, it's there. I hope you're well and safe and that one day we can reconnect.]

[center With all that said and done, goodnight ES. I may pop in and out to check messages, but that's about it for the time being.]

[right Renee. 2/11/21]
Burning_HeartFaith   1y ago

[center Currently losing my mind! Just got the script for my most recent role and it's the main character! There are so many lines! I'm so freaking excited! I don't know much about the games, but I'm definitely going to do my research for this. Ugh, I can't wait to work on this project!]

[right Renee. 2/12/21]
Burning_HeartFaith   1y ago

[center I'm ready to give up. I've run out of ideas and it's eating me up inside. Each day that passes that I don't know anything makes it worse.]

[center On another note, I'm seriously worried about the ice storm we have coming our way. Anyone that lives in Texas knows we are not prepared for this kind of weather.]

[center [i Still Here - Digital Daggers]]

[right Renee. 2/14/21]
Burning_HeartFaith   1y ago

[center I just realized it's been a while since I've let my thoughts out. Be prepared: it's a lot.]

[center To start, I still don't know a damn thing...and it's still eating me up every day. It fucking sucks. But I've done all I can think of. All I can do is wait and hope.]

[center On another note, a coworker had a stroke Thursday...We found out Saturday that she's not going to make it. It's been killing us at work each day not knowing completely when she's gonna go. I hate it so much. Ginger, thank you for 3 amazing years of working with you. You're like another grandmother to me. You know damn well that all of us down at work love you to pieces. Rest easy, love. We'll miss you down here, but I know Cleo is waiting for you.]

[center Started another book. It's so...ugh. Not bad, but I can't seem to actually get past the first few lines, despite the fact I have so many ideas. Go figure, am I right?]

[center On a better note, school is going extremely well, and I've been getting to put my skills to use in the kitchen with a new food subscription. It's not cheap, but damn if it's not worth it. The meals have been amazing and learning to cook from scratch has been so much fun. I now have a lot more I can do when I finally get into a school kitchen.]

[center Last but not least: freaking WandaVision! This show is absolutely insane and I am living for it. Highly recommend it for those who haven't seen it. Oh my God, it is good. I can't talk about it much here because of spoilers (not that I think anyone is actually reading these. If you are, say hi!) but oh well lol.]

[center With that, I'm signing off for the night. Goodnight.]

[right Renee. 3/1/21]
Burning_HeartWanda   1y ago

[center Wow. A lot has happened since I've last said anything here.]

[center To start, Ginger did indeed pass away. Her funeral was beautiful, as was the celebration of life services. We still feel it at work every day, and for some reason, especially this past week. A few of us have cried at least once every two weeks. We miss you dearly, Ginger. Love you.]

[center Moving on, I've currently been in the process of transferring schools. While it was going well, there's been too many things happening near home for me to keep attending college far away. So far that's gone pretty good.]

[center I [i still] don't know anything, which, even though it doesn't hurt, it's still eating me up inside on really bad days. It kills me knowing that if something happened that I reached out too late. I still wonder if things could've been different. I wish they had been.]

[center Read a really good book called "The Escape Room." My mind was blown by the end of it. A really good book if you're interested in thrillers and suspense. Currently starting a new one that I hope turns out good. It's been promising so far. I've also been making progress on my own book, which is fun. I like seeing my characters come to life.]

[center To end on a good note, my grandmother is coming down for a visit. I cried when I found out. I haven't seen her since my grandfather passed away and with the one-year anniversary approaching, it'll be good for her to be on a vacation and away from home for a bit. It's hard with her living so far away.]

[center With all my thoughts out, I'm going to leave it at this. Till next time, journal.]

[right Renee. 4/19/21]
Burning_HeartNatasha   1y ago

[center Fuck, I'm in a weird place.]

[center I'm about ready to quit my job because of one coworker. She's making me lose my damn mind. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't treated like a favorite, but oh well...]

[center Some family came into town from out of state, so it was really great to see them. I hate that they didn't stay long, but that's alright. It was nice while it lasted.]

[center [i Still] no answers. Shit still hurts, though I've managed to push it to the back of my mind for the most part. The first-year anniversary is also coming up. Damn it if that doesn't hurt more than anything. Still miss you, Grandpa.]

[center Outside of the bad stuff, there's some good stuff, too. My first book is coming along great. Should be in hardback soon, thank God for that. I'm also getting back into writing, so I can't complain. It feels nice to have a distraction.]

[center Not much more to say, except for the fact that my Marvel kick is back. It's BS lol.]

[center Alright. I have work soon, so I'm probably gonna sign off until I get off. More replies coming once work is over.]

[center Peace.]

[right Renee. 5/17/21]
Burning_HeartSaylin   1y ago

[center Holy shit it's been a while since I've looked at this.]

[center Why did I do this again? I don't know.]

[center Nothing much has changed. That coworker finally left (Thank God) so that's a plus. It's amazing not having to work with her anymore. The tension is gone for the time being.]

[center I'm in a new murder mystery, which is fun. I think this one is going to be my favorite, mostly because of the dress I get to wear. It's beautiful!]

[center Not much more to put here. Ha.]

[center Back to posting then!]

[right Renee. 7/22/21]
Lovely_PoisonSaylin   200d ago

[center Holy. Shit. I have no words. It's been so long.]

[center Update anyone? Life has been a crazy turn of events. Another grandparent passed away (love you, Dapaw. We miss you down here.) Got into a legal fight (and currently winning). Heard from some old friends, lost some really good ones (shit still hurts, if I'm honest). Started writing murder mysteries (It's been AMAZING!).]

[center AAAAAAANNNNND Finished my first book! Now it's just got to finish being edited and then it's ready to go! I'm so excited.]

[center Well, this was a mess of a post, but oh well. I'll be more neat about it going forward.]

[center I missed everyone and I am so glad to be back!]

[right Renee. 7/14/22]
Lovely_PoisonOnyx   182d ago

[center No one reads this so I feel like I can vent here pretty safely.]

[center And if you are reading this? Cool, I guess? Thank you for checking in. It actually means a lot, believe it or not.]

[center I am not okay.]

[center I'm beginning to think that there's just something wrong with me. I've been blamed for my rental car getting hit, despite the fact that it was parked on the side of the road and it happened while I was sleeping.]

[center I have been treated like shit both at home and at work.]

[center every time I think something is going right, whether that's thinking I have a friend to lean on that I've actually got a group I can hang out with, something happens I'm suddenly ghosted or abandoned and that shit is starting to hurt so damn much now.]

[center When I have tried to vent, I've just been told basically to get over it. No one gives a damn to just hear me out and let me vent, despite the fact that I do it for everyone else.]

[center I'm not okay. I'm not in a good headspace and I don't feel like I have anyone to run to anymore. For fucks sake, my own family, the people I live in the same house with, forgot to get me food when they all went to eat, despite the fact that they knew I was at work and that I don't get a break when working nightshift.]

[center And what did I get when I got home? Not the apology I should've received when my dad tore my head off for the car. Not the apology I should've received when I was told that no one got me any food. By the time I got home, it was too late to go get anything.]

[center For the longest time, I held the belief that I was a good person. I constantly would bend over backwards for people and do everything I could to make sure no one felt left behind or left out of anything.]

[center Except tonight, I was made aware that I'm the problem. That there's something wrong with me, and that hurts more than anything, because no one can tell me what it is that's wrong with me. Just that I'm the problem.]

[center I'm not okay. I'm honestly at the end of the rope and I don't know if I should keep holding on or just let go.]

[center Sorry. This got depressing real quick but I just... I had to get the words out somewhere and I was at a loss.]

[center Goodnight world.]

[right Renee. 8/1/2022]
Lovely_PoisonEleanor   179d ago

[center I. Am. Stressed.]

[center Had to get a new rental today, which is fine, but then I found out my actual car might be getting totaled, so now I have to look for a new car.]

[center My job is great, it is, but the customers are beginning to be too much. They drive me insane.]

[center I can't sleep DX I don't know why, but I can't, and I'm going crazy because of it.]

[center On the flip side, I've been getting back into Magic which is nice. I haven't played in so long.]

[center That's all today. Probably won't get any response out until tomorrow.]

[center Love all of you who read this! Remember: you're important and if you ever need anything, I'm here!]

[right Renee. 8/4/22]

[center Oh my GOD. For those who read this, my luck took a small turn!]

[center After years of working on my first official book, a publishing company has reached out to give me a trial run because it did so good on their site! When I say I squealed, I am not kidding!]

[center I'm over the freaking moon! If this works out, I will finally be able to write like I want to.]

[center That's all for tonight. Love you guys!]

[right Renee. 8/11/22]

[center Whew. Been a hot minute, hasn't it?]

[center Well, for those that read this, as I said before, a publishing company reached out for my story. I'm still waiting to hear back on a contract, so that's the only update I have there. Still very excited and I can't wait to see how it goes! Once it's ready, I may post a think for it so my friends here can enjoy it.]

[center On a harsher note, had a leak in the house that destroyed some carpet, so I have been stuck dealing with that for the past few days.]

[center Lost two friends back to back. I wasn't able to attend their funerals due to other circumstances but I hope they know I was still there in spirit. It sucks seeing people go so suddenly.]

[center I'm off work today (woohoo!) for a much-needed break, so that will be nice. I'll be spending my day doing laundry, writing, and working on a blanket for a Christmas event this year.]

[center All in all, things have been up and down, but I've been through worse and always manage to push through, so I'm just looking out for the next rainbow in this storm.]

[center I hope any of my friends who are feeling sad or are in a tough spot feel like they can push through, too. If ever you guys need me, I'm here. I have no qualms about lending a hand, even if I'm not online right away. I check on the site throughout the day and I promise I will get back to you.]

[center If I don't get back to you right away, please know that I'm not ignoring you. I have a shit memory and sometimes I just forget to respond because I'm usually at work when I look and we can get busy at the drop of a dime.]

[center Alright. I think that's all for now. Much love!]

[right Renee. 9/7/22]
Lovely_Poison     128d ago

I went to someone today, someone I thought I could lean on, told them about where I'm at mentally and told them that this was a cry for help because I'm honestly at the end of my rope.

They shrugged and asked what I wanted them to do about it.

I'm... yep. No fancy editing or words tonight. I just needed to put this down somewhere because I just have no words.
Lovely_PoisonFaith Lawson   127d ago

[center For those that read this: I wanted to let you know that I'm better now. Another friend of mine let me stay with them last night and we spent the day running around, looking at Halloween stuff, and watching horror movies. It was honestly what I needed after yesterday.]

[center Thank you to those of you that reached out to me. That meant a lot to me, especially after what was said. Sometimes it's hard to remember that I really do have friends that care about me.]

[center Just know that that goes for you guys, too. If you're ever feeling low, please don't hesitate to reach out. I will listen without judgment. If you need to reach me somewhere other than here, I have a Discord. I have no problem giving it to those I trust.]

[center Much love, everyone, and goodnight.]

[right Renee. 9/26/22]


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