[size10 These past few days have been rough. All this talk about the virus is very stressful.
It's making me uneasy... Work is going to be changing hours and jobs will too. I stressed and it's still early in the week.

I still need to put in my two weeks notice at my second job. I get so nervous. I love the atmosphere there, but there is just nothing there for me really. Because of this virus it's hurting that places business. My other job is fine that place is just a zoo... full of people. Rude people at that.

My goodness this kitten is very gassy. I know it's her food. Goodness. I should of named her Miss Tinky. I love here dearly tho. She is very friendly and sweet.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFWRmMfX2Gw]

You should watch this Envy. I think you will like it. The art is so beautiful. There's also an Allan Walker song.

[Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EoFb10dB48]

That was really cool to watch her put all together. I really liked it. Very dark! It also seems a bit much too lol. I would never be able to do that. I do not have the patience XD

Oh I know but its so pretty. I love the music in it.

Yeah the music was really good. It was nice to hear why watching the artist work.

Yes it is ^^. Such beautiful work. I have watch some of her other videos before. They are amazing.

I’m not surprised honestly. That’s a lot of hard work hopefully she is being paid well for it. Sadly though most artist don’t get known right away and the spend most of their time just trying to get noticed.

Well she is on youtube. So hopefully, she will be noticed!

I’m over on this profile at the moment. I’m sure she probably has been. Thanks for showing that to me though it was really cool ~

[size10 I am worn out. Today has been a really long day. The floor had to be waxed at my job so all the tables and racks were put back in the department. It was a lot of work helping putting the racks way... Then after work I went to grandpa. There is still so many things I need to go through I just haven't had the time. It has been there since I moved...

Then when I got home there was a big mess to clean up. The cat decided he didn't like the daffodils. He broke the pot and his food bowel. My honey cleaned up most of the mess. Then afterwards we had lunch.. which meant there was dishes.

I guess all in all the day has just been long. Soon it will be bed time. There are a few unsettled things on my mind. Two of my friends will be moving soon. It's such a bitter sweet feeling.

[center It seems like nothing ever really changes around home. I’ve chosen to post here because right now I don’t want to post in my journal.

This will be small. I just am getting tired of the way dad is treating mom. He practically made her walk by herself just because she was joking around with him.

If I had known she would have ended up alone I would have walked with them just so she didn’t end up walking by herself. How much of an asshole does he have to be..?

I wish sometimes that mom would leave him.]

[center I don’t know what to say. I just don’t feel right today. Hearing what was said today has put me in a rather guarded state. I don’t want to go out and do anything. I only want to stay at home. I’ll go do the interview as asked because I promised I would try and get a job, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to focus. Instead I’ll be thinking about him. Maybe I should be taking more steps to get to him... I still can’t bring myself to post in my journal. It’s stupid but I just want to see his name and post there a little longer before it ends up cluttered with my thoughts.]

[+red [size10 So the present I got my boyfriend is lost somewhere in the damn mail. Now I think it’s getting return to the sender.... I’m very stressed out I was hoping it was going to be here on our anniversary... We made it to one year already. If only I didn’t forget the damn apt number....

[size10 [+red I'm feeling down... it rather difficult because today is my boyfriends birthday.... I need to put on a good face.... Sigh.... I just hope this depressing feeling goes away....

Work was rather stressful. I know I am slow... It bothers people.... I know my boss probably will be displease with me... I am sure her little spies tell her everything.... I am so over today... it only just started....

I feel like I can't do anything right.... :( let hope these cakes I am about to make at least turn out....

[center [size10 [+red I am pissed. I hate my job. What ever I do is never enough I am tired of feeling that way. I feel that way all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore.... There are other things that are clouding my mind and bothering me. Things that I was wanting to forget but they had been brought back up.

It frustrating.... I am very stressed.... I just want to rip everything apart that steps in my path.... I hope to maybe draw soon to maybe relive some of this anger.... Or maybe drinking will help.... all I know is that I'm pissed.... I know my kitten doesn't understand I want to be left alone... At the same time I can't help but to pet her...

[center [+purple I wish everyday I could be calm. I wish I didn’t always have to revert back to thinking I have to be careful. I’m constantly worrying over everything. Wondering if I put to much trust out there. I sound like a broken record. It is what I worry about the most though. I know I said before that I was more than willing to get burned, but as time has passed I realized more and more than I am terrified that’s what’s going to happen now.

Some days I’m able to ignore the feelings I have and just get on with the day, but I noticed as time is going on... I’m slowly getting worse it seems. Certain things torment me now when I think about it too long. I can’t seem to straighten myself out. I just want a clear mind that’s all.

I took so long telling you today because I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of having to deal with my own mind attacking me. Breaking me down. I thought as time passed it would get better, but I realize that it just increases how much it would hurt to lose you.

I deserve this i suppose. I cared very little for a lot of people in my life. There’s much more I could say, but I won’t.

On an off note I’m still depressed I lost my scorpion in ark... I only had him for a few hours...]]

[size10 [+red I have a lot on my mind.... work is going to be having a donut sale here soon. I know I am slow always behind.. With that sale it could only get worse... I don't know why I am always so tired when I get to work... I sleep most of the day. I know I wake often I should just be fine. When I get there it like I get stuck in rut... I work at the same seed ever time... end up with the same results...

[size10 [+red Today didn't go as planned. I was hoping it was going to be a good day but... I Guess I was bound to have a shitty day soon.... We went and looked at houses again today. It was exciting I really liked the green and white house. It was small but I had a good feeling about it... I did like the other house but there was something off about it. It was beautiful but they basement was scary. To many places to lose the kitten... There was just something off about it... I shouldn't of snapped at you when you and I talked about how different we were... You shouldn't have to settle on something... I guess hearing about how we are different makes me think we don't belong together.... I remember back in college taking a marriage and family class. Opposites do attracted but they don't stay together for long... when I hear that I just think of that class..... that book... how wrong we really are for each other.... I know we made up and are fine now... Those thoughts just swirl in my mind...

[center I’m already irritated today. The least they could do downstairs is let me know they are going to shut the fucking WiFi off. It takes two seconds to text me... I forget though I don’t fucking matter when it comes to the WiFi being disconnected. Only they do. I’m trying to change this horrible mood.

I don’t understand what’s wrong or what’s going on, but it’s very overwhelming. The feeling of wanting to cry and the feeling of anger so close to the edge.

I’m tired of a lot of things. Some of my own emotions are tiring as well as the stuff that goes on around this damned house. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so full of thoughts and feelings half the time. I just get so tired of it...

For once I want a clear mind. For once I want to be in a better fucking mood then this. All three days. This has been horrible. I fucking hate it. I let too much bother me and I can’t close it out like I want to. Instead I just fall deeper. Even last night I wasn’t any better. It didn’t take long for something to bite into me and pull back down.

Sleep has been horrible. It’s like I never get enough. Half the time I can’t sleep. Not always is it stuff on my mind. Body aches and pains. Can’t go to the doctor really about anything that’s worrying me... So what if I’m dying hm..? Hopefully I’m only being over dramatic and over worrying... I really don’t know when to worry about anything anymore.

On top of all that I feel mom ignored me when I talked to her about my phone. Come on now... At least do something for me here... She replaced both hers
and dads phone... I wouldn’t even bother if I didn’t fucking need a new one. I can’t do anything about working right now and honestly with the way time is passing... I don’t think there’s much of a choice right now...

I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t even belong in this house anymore. I don’t get listened to except if it’s Shelly or grandma. Why is that? Why is it that the one person that should listen to me doesn’t anymore? Doesn’t even try to find the time to talk to me even though I try to find the time to hang around downstairs when she’s home on the weekends.

I put off game time for that. I practically live on my games...

I’m tired of this nasty jealous feeling that always creeps up on me too. It’s just irritating.

Why can’t I ever feel okay where I am at..? Why do my emotions act haywire..?

Humans can’t be this fucking broken...]

[center I don’t know who upset grandma but they better fucking do something about it. She shouldn’t be upstairs alone in the computer room crying. Whoever fucking did it better apologize.]

[center Sometimes I honestly wonder why I even bother. I’m on the fucking edge of irritation here...]

[center I’m going to drown everything out... This wasn’t a good day for this... I shouldn’t have went downstairs earlier... If I knew it would be this long to get back on the phone with you...]

[+cyan Envy I am sorry to read all of this... all the pain you have endured... I wish you would of told me... I know family means a lot to you. You care so much about your brothers and mother.... If that man was ever to be your father he would of let you see your real father he wouldn't of made you choose... Even then it never should of been up to him if you were to young it should of been up to your mother...

Q~ How can your mother stand him? Your her child... you are suppose to come first... in a situation like this it seem you really need too...

Look I might not be much help but why didn't you tell me... I would of tried...tried to get you way... This situation is just sicking.... Where you are at is just toxic....

[pic https://i.imgur.com/LFjwCLO.gif]

Your very strong for putting up with all that pain for so long... but your not alone anymore... you have Your Puppy, Me and even D. Where all here for you... You have to let us in... your do have bare anything alone any more.... You shouldn't have to put up with that monster of man... Disgusting....

[pic https://i.imgur.com/ap97Dz2.gif]

No I don't think of you in that way at all... I just feel sorrow and pain.... You always been a caged little bird... a pretty jewel locked way... I am sorry I don't have much to say. I just don't really know what to say...

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkzoVY6HPNk]
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckCai8Dk3yk]
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-AZE84e40]

You should really listen to those two song I post at the bottom...This too... I know you know the song but it pretty good as screamo..


[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_KZvUnB5nM]

[center It had been going on for a long time. Since I lived on east ninth. When we were closer. I was more shocked in the beginning and I seen what happened when I tried to say something to someone the first time. He acted all suicidal and I didn’t want blood on my hands. For a long time I locked it all away and refused to tell anyone. I didn’t even tell Jordan. She still doesn’t know.

I wish I could explain why mom is acting the way she is. I don’t quite get it myself. She’s told me that she doesn’t see him the same way at all. Yet she told me she still loved him as well. I don’t exactly understand where her mind is, but she just wants to keep the peace. I honestly wonder about it all the time, but she’s always on my side. Yet her and Gabe do force me to talk to dad when he gets mad at me for stupid things.

I think mom is waiting for me to snap at him. To actually get angry and tell him what I really think of him. In the end I think she wants me to be the one that changes everything. That either makes him leave. I don’t know though.

The reason I kept this from you and everyone else wasn’t because I didn’t think any of you could help. Actually I knew all of you would want to get me out of the situation the best that you could. You all would have tried so hard and honestly I just didn’t want that. I didn’t want to burden my friends with something like that. It would mean that the truth would have to come out and everyone would know. I wasn’t sure what would happen. I was scared of what would happen.

If he acted suicidal again... I didn’t want blood on my hands. Even telling the truth didn’t matter in the end though. He just twisted the truth and... It left mom and Gabe with a lot questions. Gabe just accepted what dad said as the truth and mom questioned more. After me and mom talked that day and I explained my side me and her haven’t talked about it since.

Other than the fact that dad now gets mad at me if I don’t at least hug him once during the day and acknowledge him everything seems to be fine. Frustrating but fine. I figured I didn’t have much to worry about anymore anyway because I would be leaving anyway and even if I wasn’t I would have gotten a job and left.

I had planned on telling you before, but because Gabe thinks dads side is the truth he didn’t want me to tell anyone else and for some stupid reason I listened to him.]

I suppose in away I understand... I just feel really bad.... I have more to say but I have to sleep because I have to work...

I assume your mother is in a state of shock.... I suppose being in her shoes would be rather hard.... How long did this go on for?

Envy if your dad really was Suicidal... he would of just done... People who commit suicide don't normal tell any one they just do it because they are afraid to get help or cant find it... People who want attention will say things... They will say what ever they can to get attention...

[center As much as I hate to say this. All of this has to stay between us. It can’t get back anyone here at home.]

I know. V_V I just feel really bad for you... I am sorry but I did tell Austin but you don't have to worry he wont say anything.

It’s okay that’s fine. I didn’t expect you to hide it from him or D honestly. I just know it can’t get back to around home.

Thank you for understanding. I still feel real bad for you... September can't get here fast enough.... I really want to see you. I think we need to talk in person.

Of course. It’s okay wolfy. As long as everything has stopped I’m fine. I get nervous and have moments where I’m not always okay or I’m not trustful, but mostly things have been I guess as normal as they can be. Yes talking about it in person would be a lot easier. I need to tell Jordan too. I’m sure it would end up explaining a lot of things for her in the end, but I think me and you talking in person would be a good idea. I could explain a lot better.

I’ll try to come soon to see you. I’ll let you know when. Maybe Friday depending on work.

Okay. Don’t rush yourself or anything wolfy. Come when you have the time.

Thank you Envy. I will see about Friday maybe Austin will come with me.

I'm really happy I was able to see you today. I still feel I had more to say... More to ask but I didn't want to pry. I was really angry when I found out what happen. Not at you... I felt bad. Things really starting to make since... now. I should of known... I wish I known soon... I would of tried to help the best I could... I always thought your family was so loving. Noisy but loving... I should of caught on with how you responded... I should of been more curious way you favored ladies more then men... Things now I really starting to line up and make since...

I know it hard for your mother... Hard for your brothers.... I just don't know how there could be peace.... how your mother could stand him... how she could even still love him... I know it would hurt Zack but is this Toxic lie doing him any better?

All the pain and things you had to endure... How could no one notice it? Yours brothers didn't really leave that often did they ? Couldn't your mom see the pain in your eyes? I know you hid. You hid it very well... Could she sense there was something wrong with your dad? Shouldn't she know him the best?

I am sorry I am still questioning things... Sorry if I am being bitter.

I feel off today, like a mix of emotions are coming over me.... I have been a bit selfish lately... Clinging to you every chance I get. I can't help that... I just miss you... I know I see you everyday it just seems like time is always fleeting. Yesterday was a fun day. I just seem off when we got home. I watched you play our favorite game.... It seem the game is just trouble some to you... perhaps I will stop asking you to play it. You seemed grouchy I understand the game can be frustrating... Last night didn't go as planned... I don't know what I was hoping for but it just seemed to end rather quick... Now it lead to hear to this day... It seems to be going by fast... you will be home soon... I can't wait to see you... Something is still weighing on my mind... I just can't pin point what it is...

[center Last night all I wanted to do was listen to music. I was tired of dealing with how I was feeling. I was in a really bad mood. I kept quiet because all the thoughts that ran through my head were nothing nice. I couldn’t make myself calm down. Not until I finally laid down. I set my phone aside and cried. Something I suppose I probably had needed to do. I was at my limit.

Nothing felt like it was going right. I felt alone in everything. I knew you had texted me but I ignored it and didn’t speak either. After I had calmed down I put the phone on speaker and fell asleep.

Sleep wasn’t restful. Even being up now I’m exhausted and I’m not exactly sure how I’m feeling. I guess I really just want to sleep the whole day away. I don’t want to face it.

I’ll get up anyway though...]

The Wolf of Four Seasons. <- Holding on to that name for an rp idea.

It's hard to explain but I didn't have a very good day at work. I wasn't feeling good, on top of that there was a lot to do. A lot of cinnamon rolls to ice... They have to be perfect or else the mangers get pissed... I dread icing them...

Today was rough it only seemed to get worse as it went on... my coworker kept telling me to do this then to do that... It was frustrating... because as soon I would do one thing she want me to do something else... I know I wasn't moving at the speed she wanted me too. I didn't feel very good... so that really didn't help things... I didn't get home until 11:30... I didn't leave there until 11.... I am so tired... It's only been two work days...

There a lot I have to do tomorrow... there is a lot I have to do Saturday... I have to ice all the donuts on top of a sale. I have to ice all my cinna rolls on top of sale. Then I have to be done with hard crust bread by 8... on top off the other various little jobs I have to do... I know I am complaining but it's just so stressful... feel like nothing is very good enough... there is always something... I am just so tired of it....

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0xn-M4T3AQ]
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZkI3ASz8Lg]

Here is a new song for you Envy...

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8fJ6kwWe8M]

I’m so tired but... Its hard to sleep there is a lot on my mind. I wish you would of call when you were on break. I know I didn’t Explain well why my day was so bad...But hearing you would be nice... I don’t know why I’m so emotional right now...

Quote to hold on too
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on"

You let someone else pet your head. You think it wouldn’t bother me but it does. I might not like you new hair cut... I still feel envy with someone else touch you. Even if it’s Innocent doubt and fear alway submerged my mind. Sometimes you don’t know the weight of your words

I don't know why I got tears in my eyes when you told me that girl touch your hair again. I know you don't mind you told me you didn't... You just though it was odd request... I know you told you have me but that doesn't always stop them...

I know you promise me there is only me. You don't see anyone else in that way. Doubt is consuming me...

[center Wolfy if you don’t like it and it makes you uncomfortable then he needs to make them stop. To tell them no. There should be no reason they are doing that when they know he has a girlfriend. I find it very rude and stepping over boundaries when girls do things like this. It is different when the girl doesn’t care, but you do. He should make more of an effort to ward them off so that it doesn’t hurt your feelings or make you doubtful.]

It might be different if I have met this girl but I don’t know her. I’m not sure If she is the one with guy trouble or not. I might of over reacted but it just bothered me. Also close to my lady time. So that never helps. I think he slowly learning that it really bothers me. He told me he made sure it’s clear he is taken but I’m just doubtful but he try to reassure me before he left. It meant nothing that he wouldn’t want to throw away what we have. But I don’t trust her. I don’t trust very many people at all

[center Oh I can understand that. I don’t think so wolfy. I can understand it bothering you. Honestly super small things really bother me. I’m kinda a hypocrite though because I always think I’m overreacting too. No that never does help. It makes everything a lot worse. It’s too bad that it’s slowly. At least he tried to be reassuring. Sometimes it’s just not enough though. I don’t trust anyone either wolfy. If I didn’t have to deal with people I wouldn’t. That’s mostly why I really want to be a writer. I can hide away and just write I don’t have to go out into the world except for book signings and stuff and that’s only if I’m really famous. I don’t even want to be really famous. I just want to be able to write.

Eh... It’ll be okay wolfy. Things will hopefully get better and he will start understanding more.]

Yeah hopefully he will catch on and not let her touch him...but I shouldn't be so jealous... he is allow to have friends. I guess she just like the feel of his shaved head...'

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jakpo7tj7Qw]

When I am down and lonely I find myself listening to this song...

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsCD5XCu6CM]

You were right you did see my jealous side. My doubtfulness that was taking over. How I seem down... how I am over flowing with emotions. So you let another girl touch your hair, how I wish I could just forget that. I can't all I can see is her touch you... how simple it could be for you to just slip away.

Tell me if we didn't have everything that was going on would you?

Part of me wonders that.

You tell me you think it is odd she likes your shaved head why she so fascinate by it. Maybe she likes you... I mean you say she is a nice girl.
She probably thinks you are pretty nice too. You are right I am jealous... bitter in fact...

Maybe if you told me this last week... or maybe never at all I wouldn't of cared... This week is the worst time ever to tell me something like that... You will never understand but since I was young men were bad. They a were hurtful lairs. It's hard to grow out of your old ways then to have your mother tell you to never trust anyone... I am finding it hard. Hard to trust you. You don't know the weight of your words.

I really should stop but this doubt I am trapped in... I am drowning in it.

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/kHwgz98.gif]]