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By -Rika

Replies: 17 / 1 years ago

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Allowed Users

  1. [Allowed] ShieldHero-
  2. [Allowed] Nerium

[center My Journal.
Stay out if you don’t like what I have to say.]

[center [pic https://media0.giphy.com/media/KEUvbsHJP62R2/giphy.gif]]


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Envy's Picture and Color



Kirai's Picture

There’s something I want to talk about here, but I’m still waiting. Thinking about what to say and how to say it.

Things have been stressful but I’m feeling better. Feeling a lot better.
.Bunny. / Nerium / 13d ago
It’s not a very good day. I’m feeling really depressed. Down. Tired. Useless.
.Bunny. / Nerium / 20d ago
[center It’s cold. I would much rather be hibernating XD.

I’m between typing in here and watching my puppy play monster hunter with one of my younger brothers. My favorite younger brother ^^. The one that understands and gets me. The one that had my back even though he said he wasn’t taking sides. There’s something’s we disagree on, but he’s a wonderful person and him and my puppy get along so well. It’s nice. I do get tired of being on the phone for too long though XD.

Phone calls tend to drain me unless they are with my puppy, but since I’m with him now our phone calls only extend to when he’s at work.

Last night was the first time seeing him get frustrated. Not at me, but at a situation that neither of us could prevent. It even frustrated me.

Just don’t like not having power and people who have no business doing things that they don’t know how to do. I’m sorry I don’t believe that you know anything about electricity and honestly I was shocked how both my puppy and his brother was shut down.

I’m already pretty quiet, but I fell even more silent. Sometimes I feel it’s my fault. Puppy gave me a lot of attention almost constantly before I came here and he still does, but... I don’t know. Maybe I took too much of his time. I am needy sometimes I suppose.

I ended up really stressed out yesterday. Puppy was stressed too but I thought he handled it so well. I tried my best to keep him calm and busy. Not much to do in the dark. We watched RWBY for the most part. He worried showing a more childish side of himself when he was frustrated but I still felt so much love for him. It doesn’t frighten me. Getting angry is okay.

He’s always so composed and sweet. Always understanding. It’s okay to get angry and to be angry.

Anyway I’m not sure what I really wanted to say here... I was thinking about a lot of things and ended up getting way off track. Oh well. I’m just going to leave it with this. What I really wanted to talk about I’m not ready to talk about yet.

As for the picture <_< well puppy knows what he said >_<.]
.Bunny. / Nerium / 29d ago
[center [+hotpink So as you can see I've made myself at home on your profile... The whole idea was to actually just look through your pictures until I found one I liked, but I decided against it. You know how the internet is. It would have taken way too long... SO I just stole one of my own from my Nerium profile ^^. I guess I could have made this post from there, but... I didn't really want to. It would probably take too long. Typing on a phone and all...

I could have wrote it down in a notebook too, but I didn't really feel like putting a pen to paper today. I don't know how it would have turned out anyway. As for why I'm using your profile instead of my own... Well I didn't want to log you out and then have to log you back in. I don't remember your password <.<. We both know I forget everything it would seem...

I've been rather lost in my own thoughts the last few days. Funny how something so small can bring me to tears just because my own self esteem just can't handle it. A good day can quickly turn sour and I've kind of let it stay sour. Even though I slept it was fitful. I didn't rest at all. I suppose most of the time I usually waking up feeling better, but this time I didn't.

So even though you called and you were trying to be in good spirits... I was still hurt from earlier. I had tried and failed. When you hung up I was left crying. So when you woke me up calling on your break... Yeah I was still a little hurt with how things had left off. It effected my sleep and I didn't know how I should react or respond. Holding in my emotions would only make things worse...

Sadly I didn't say anything really. I didn't disclose how I was feeling or why. I didn't give any explanation. In the end I felt I had deserved what had been said to me. A lot of my thoughts have been building up. Sadly not all of them bad. I had no real outlet. No need to burden anyone or... Seem like I am rubbing something in their face. I always feel like we get through things rather well and even when I'm down like I am now... I find some point to stand and talk to you.

Usually its like this. It is much easier to put everything in writing. I like it being posted in my journal because for me that's the easiest place to go even if you are sitting right beside me. My words always come out harsher or you don't understand and I have to explain which usually... I can't. So I find that writing it all out helps me the most.

So other than today which isn't exactly what I came in here for... I want to finally get out what's been on my mind mostly. I decided I don't care how it may seem. Even in person it is hard to tell you everything lingering on my mind... Even if its good things.

The other night I was laying on your chest. Cuddling you before we went to sleep. We always turn our own ways in the end and that's fine. I toss and turn and have trouble getting comfortable not to mention that I also over heat even in freezing weather <.<. I thought about how I was calling you my world and how in the end that comparison seemed so small. Hell you aren't my world. You are practically my universe. You are my whole life. My galaxy. World isn't big enough.

You provide everything for me. You've given me an place I never thought existed. When my emotions aren't hating me... I feel at more peace than I ever had. I didn't think there was a such thing as peace. I thought my adult life would have ended with me being unable to help myself. I wanted to kill myself. That or I would have committed murder... Then again who knows. I think killing myself would have won through on that one.

The only reason I stayed alive was because of lennon. I would love to say it was for my family too, but it wasn't. I was only keeping a secret because it would destroy them. At least... I thought it would.

Meeting you really turned my life around. So even when I'm down... Upset... Angry... Though I don't get angry very often if at all. I'm mostly just the kind of person that falls apart over everything before I start yelling about it... I try hard to swim through the terrible thoughts that build up in my mind and its hard and much like today I tend to drown in them.

Its days like this where I see that I am broken. That I can't be fixed... Sometimes I don't see any progress. So I just give up for awhile and let myself sink... In doing so I forget that my attitude and emotions are what set up the day for you... I can make it harder than it was ever suppose to be...

So... I'm sorry. I can only promise to try and get better. There is no way I know for sure if I will or not. I can only try and swim the best I can. There's always something that wants to pull me under. Usually its you that pulls me out and that feeling you give me can last for days... I just wish it would last forever. My mind always ends up winning again though no matter what I tell myself.

I've never had a lot of good days before. The fact that you lead me through so many and that I can laugh the way I do or even break down and cry... Is all something new to me. If I could just not let the small things eat at me I could be a better person.

You arent at fault. I wish you would stop apologizing all the time. Sometimes its just me. Actually all the time is just me. I'm worse when I have no control over my emotions. Sometimes I just cry. Its not easy to stop. It comes out of no where and it hits me hard. Almost takes my breath away. I don't understand it and I don't like it. It doesn't help that I can barely tell the difference between crying out of happiness or crying because I'm sad... So the emotion that hits me and tells me to cry... I'm not even sure what it is half the time.

I love you though. I know that. Through everything I'm feeling thats one thing that stands the strongest. Its what end the end calms me down and makes me rethink and try to slow down. You were the only reason I would get up everyday. You still are.

You have done more for me than anyone and sadly its because I let you in. Its not a bad thing. I'm glad I let you in. You are the best person in the world and I love you to pieces. I can never pay you back for saving my life. For actually being my hero. So I do what I can. I try my best for you. Sometimes it doesn't seem like my best though.

I love you.

Magenta / ShieldHero- / 35d ago

Link for myself <_<
Narah / Nerium / 35d ago
[youtube https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SRQGOtBVELo]
Narah / Nerium / 54d ago
The meaning of Rip out the wings of a butterfly is something innocent doing something terrible
Narah / Nerium / 61d ago
My self esteem is at such a low lately... I know I’ve always had problems, but it’s been a lot worse. Sometimes I can shrug it off others it hits me really hard...
.Hades. / Nerium / 69d ago
[center -Consider buying a notebook or two why your out. Pens/pencils as well.

-Fingernail clippers are needed buying those wouldn’t be a bad idea.

-Finish up job application. Not today but after this horrible period...

-Find Sometime to actually vent here... Just feel horrible today... Since last night. Don’t want to let too much of that sit on my mind...

-Lennon... I don’t know what else to say here. I miss him.]
.Memory. / -MoonRabbit / 77d ago
[center I forgot to mention how proud I am of you that you keep going. That you keep trying to find solutions. I’m the end it’s because of you that I am even going to try.]
.Bunny. / Nerium / 84d ago
[center I am easily stressed out and depressed. People fucking drain me. It’s something I wish I could get over. I don’t like feeling like my whole world is closing in on me and all these people are surrounding me. I fear what they think and what they have to say to me. It’s difficult to break away from every stray thought that crosses my mind. I’m easily hurt and I often wonder can I hold my composure in a work place..?

I’ll try is the only thing I can say. I was thinking on everything you had talked about and it made me realize I took this waiting a little too long. I should have stuck to what my family expected of me. Get a job when I first got here, but even then the thoughts of how I was going to handle it pushed in around me. I’m a pushover. It’s not like it’s hard to get me to agree to things.

What can I say..? I want to be an asshole but I can’t.

Everything is worth a try though. I can only do my best and hope everything comes out okay in the end.

Right now everything hurts worse than it should. Anxiety and my nerves are even crushing me. I wondered for a moment if maybe I had made the wrong move in coming here. Maybe I should have listened to what my family said... Yet thinking about leaving hurts me more than anything else. I kept quiet about the things that were on my mind why you were typing away. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep.

Damn periods coming up so... I’m so fucking groggy and tired. Even this afternoon it was hard to get up. I was up when I felt you get off the bed. I just wanted to sleep more, but couldn’t so I just gave up and got up with you...

After you left though... I decided I needed to start getting everything ready so that I could start working. I took a shower to wake up... But I’m stupid because it has the opposite effect since it relaxes me, but I smell good ^^. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get anything done though. I did. I have it saved for the moment. I want to go over everything with you before I hit apply.

Yesterday when you were having a crisis... I couldn’t help but think how interesting it was. You see before we left I was having my own crisis... About how uneasy it makes me to call home. Every time I have to tell them I haven’t started working yet... I feel like a failure... So why you were talking I was processing everything you were saying...

I can’t make choices for you. I’m not that kind of person. Deep down I just wanted to tell you to do what you thought would make you happy. For some reason I didn’t feel like those words would be good enough... So I didn’t say it. I kept quiet thinking over the situation and what I could do.

Led me down the road of dark thoughts... Such as wondering if I should offer to go back home and figure out something there before coming back... That just... Hurt me to think about... I can barely think about leaving just to go visit on holidays and what not... If you didn’t come with... I don’t know... I don’t think I could do it...

Maybe it’s something to look into more. To talk about more. The job stuff not me going home... Unless of course that’s on the table to discuss I guess...

If you want me to wait still until I’m ready... It’ll be waiting forever. My social anxiety will always win. Being in the position where I have to get the job is the only way I would end up doing it and that’s the position and mindset I put myself in this afternoon.]
.Bunny. / -MoonRabbit / 84d ago
[center So... I have to say I must have been stupid when I first started playing Star Ocean The Last Hope because not learning the blindside mechanic really ruined a lot of things >_<. Actually taking the time to learn it a bit this time around actually feels better. It’s rather nice ^^. I love it. I’m sure something will throw me off about it, but... For now I don’t know I feel happy.

On another note I do feel better. Guess talking does tend to help, but sometimes it takes time for me to be able to break past my own feelings and guards to finally say something. Last night my heart was beating so hard and fast. I knew I was finally going to speak, but I just didn’t know how to say it.

I guess you ended up understanding though. I always think that it’s going to end up badly for me. That it’ll end in confrontation which I’m bad at it... I should know better. You’ve always been understanding even if you don’t fully agree with me. Which is fine. I don’t need to be fully agreed with. I just want to be heard and spoken to like a normal human which is what you do.

It’s great.

There are some things I have kept silent on. Always thinking it over multiple times in my head... Trying to decide if it’s something I can really handle right now or if... Maybe I can’t... I have so little trust in others. I think the worst constantly and I don’t always think of people as “getting better”. Change takes time and I don’t always think that it works. My belief in people is very low.

I share very little on what I think about certain things because I feel I’m too harsh... Too cold...

To be honest I had stopped thinking about it until I read your journal today... Guess I just don’t like how i feel when I think about it all I guess. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish good things for people because I do. All the best in fact, but I also don’t know about moving back into their lives...

If Larry came back into my life... I would turn him away. He would get the cold shoulder he gave me in the end. I wouldn’t want to let him close to me at all... I don’t even care if he changed. Now a days I don’t even care about him. What I know comes from my friends and family that tell me, but I don’t ask...

I know him though. He can’t be happy unless he’s worshipped... I’m not saying people don’t change... And I’m not saying don’t reconnect... My opinions on the matter are different and fueled with some form of distrust and uncertainty.

People make me uneasy... When someone intends to hurt me... I don’t forgive them easily and I judge them harshly afterwards. I’m not perfect. I’ve hurt people and I regretted it in the end. So for them people to look at me now with unease... I can understand. My anger got me into a lot of confrontations... With family and friends. That’s the first thing my mom warned you and your family of... “She has a temper...”

I haven’t gotten angry in a long time. Some times it comes back. I can taste it, but not long after I crumble. I can’t even use it anymore. I have moments of irritation and I guess I get bratty... but I can’t even say I get angry because I remember what anger was like for me.

You met me both at a good and a bad time. A good time because I was able to deal with everything that came at me without running away and hiding... Without giving in even though my weak mind wanted to... a bad time because I was broken and felt used up. I hated people more than I ever had before...

I recoiled from them. Blocking them out... For a lot of reasons I guess. Some a lot more serious then others.]
.Bunny. / Nerium / 93d ago
[center Since last night my mind has been against me. Like a pack of wolves taking down a wounded stag. There’s a fight, but the stag is succumbing to its wounds and will be devoured.

Even when calm I find myself falling right back into tears. I can explain what my mind is doing to me, but I just don’t see the point. It’s not like those thoughts can be stopped.

I still felt the same when I woke this morning. So much so that I couldn’t sleep even though I wanted to...

I can’t even sleep now. I just want to cry... It’s hard to drown these thoughts and feelings away...]
.Pretty. / Nerium / 96d ago