[center So... I have to say I must have been stupid when I first started playing Star Ocean The Last Hope because not learning the blindside mechanic really ruined a lot of things >_<. Actually taking the time to learn it a bit this time around actually feels better. It’s rather nice ^^. I love it. I’m sure something will throw me off about it, but... For now I don’t know I feel happy.
On another note I do feel better. Guess talking does tend to help, but sometimes it takes time for me to be able to break past my own feelings and guards to finally say something. Last night my heart was beating so hard and fast. I knew I was finally going to speak, but I just didn’t know how to say it.
I guess you ended up understanding though. I always think that it’s going to end up badly for me. That it’ll end in confrontation which I’m bad at it... I should know better. You’ve always been understanding even if you don’t fully agree with me. Which is fine. I don’t need to be fully agreed with. I just want to be heard and spoken to like a normal human which is what you do.
It’s great.
There are some things I have kept silent on. Always thinking it over multiple times in my head... Trying to decide if it’s something I can really handle right now or if... Maybe I can’t... I have so little trust in others. I think the worst constantly and I don’t always think of people as “getting better”. Change takes time and I don’t always think that it works. My belief in people is very low.
I share very little on what I think about certain things because I feel I’m too harsh... Too cold...
To be honest I had stopped thinking about it until I read your journal today... Guess I just don’t like how i feel when I think about it all I guess. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish good things for people because I do. All the best in fact, but I also don’t know about moving back into their lives...
If Larry came back into my life... I would turn him away. He would get the cold shoulder he gave me in the end. I wouldn’t want to let him close to me at all... I don’t even care if he changed. Now a days I don’t even care about him. What I know comes from my friends and family that tell me, but I don’t ask...
I know him though. He can’t be happy unless he’s worshipped... I’m not saying people don’t change... And I’m not saying don’t reconnect... My opinions on the matter are different and fueled with some form of distrust and uncertainty.
People make me uneasy... When someone intends to hurt me... I don’t forgive them easily and I judge them harshly afterwards. I’m not perfect. I’ve hurt people and I regretted it in the end. So for them people to look at me now with unease... I can understand. My anger got me into a lot of confrontations... With family and friends. That’s the first thing my mom warned you and your family of... “She has a temper...”
I haven’t gotten angry in a long time. Some times it comes back. I can taste it, but not long after I crumble. I can’t even use it anymore. I have moments of irritation and I guess I get bratty... but I can’t even say I get angry because I remember what anger was like for me.
You met me both at a good and a bad time. A good time because I was able to deal with everything that came at me without running away and hiding... Without giving in even though my weak mind wanted to... a bad time because I was broken and felt used up. I hated people more than I ever had before...
I recoiled from them. Blocking them out... For a lot of reasons I guess. Some a lot more serious then others.]