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[i [size10 The further I curl into myself,
The more disinterested I become in idle chatter about that of another and what they have or do not have.
It is more interest based when its ones beneficials/they had achieved, but I am awfully quick to tune out when others speak on a person and their flaws.

It’s no longer serving me, to speak ill of others.
Now it is just going to take time to extract this, to affirm that into my own being. How can I wish to bring forth these aspects around me if I don’t follow them from example?

More thought will have to be added here, as I travel further inward.

“Congratulatory”, it was a simple word that had gotten channeled. To who it might be that wishes me good will when achieving this surrendering of my ego -- I thank you.

It’s eerie, how much knowledge I obtain as I continue to spiral further and further. Mother thinks I lost touch with reality, when infact..

I’m just waking up to it and becoming more aware of the functions within it.
It’s just a shame I can’t quite express it all to her, as she holds a fear of the unknown.

What one doesnt understand
They fear
And what one fears
They hate.

And this???
It just... all circles around. And I always blab about it, but,,, it just leads to perception in its entirety.

Mmph-

I will continue to slowly rise up. Periodt.

[i [size10 [center As above, so below

How frightening the idea if you place the aspects of love and hate.

Imagine,

To love someone as heavily as you hold a space of hate for them.

To hate someone as heavily as you hold a space of love for them.

As below, so above.

The concepts are intertwined, hate holds nothing more than hurt aspects, aspects which someone had mirrored back to one who hadn’t made amends with this wound within their own picket fence.

Why would someone if another had been making blows, dents, at their refurbished masterpiece??

Because they know in what areas the woodwork had gotten soggy and is prone to being damaged once more.
Reach within, deep in.

Find that builder in you, hand them the tools that are needed to renovate your foundation.

You are your greatest masterpiece, and there’s no doubt those who are lesser will put their fingers on your art to see where they can cause bends.

Fix it.

For your sake, and theirs.]]]

[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvH5ZhSn1Jg]]

[right [size10 [#eb54ff

You were red
And you liked me because I was blue
You touched me and suddenly I became a lilac sky
And you decided purple just wasn’t for you.]]

[i [size10 I miss putting my thoughts down, it’s been a whirlwind trip since I’ve been active on here.

Amazing how source sends me more those who wish to take these steps into themselves, that seek healing.

Yes, my life path number is a 6: The healer.

It’s just... It feels nice?? To be able to help those in the emotional realm without having to overburden myself.

I made a new friend-- I highkey think she may or may not have a (deadass smol) crush on me? It’s just my gaydar is kinda goin’ off and I’m not quite too sure?? ;;; She’s slowly awakening too, and I think I was able to really pry her open like a book whenever she asked for a personal reading over this situation with this guy she has been in romantically;

Fuckin pisces
Fuckin--- fishy princesses help me-

During meditation, I had asked my body who-- or what-- am I? And I had been told “sirian” right back. Upon looking into these beings, it is believed they are ET figures which are heavily intune with oceanic qualities which... makes sense?? Considering how I have always been.

Like, I’ve always been referred to as a mermaid, the ocean is literally my “home away from home”. I stay in that shit ALL day, no cap-

Besides the point, I’m stepping out of my shell more and more now. And I’m realizing I actually do enjoy love to party.
I do love to hang out with my family members. I wish I could hang out with my other siblings as much as I have been with my brother. I think.. I want to try and help him too, because I know he doesn’t get in touch with his femininity.

And yes, femininity. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having these qualities and aspects -- ESPECIALLY as the world is slowly transitioning from divine masculine to feminine.

No wonder why everyone is prone to flipping out over simple ordeals. They’re being forced to tap into this side they have buried deep within themselves.

Whew.

One of my friends have decided to make a huge smoke lounge for me on my birthday, and I get to meet a lot of new people. I’m actually... excited for this? Mainly because ever since Brent’s party, I was able to connect with many individuals which all have a joy for me.

I really need to talk to his sister more, since I know they dont have... as many female friends? Honestly got a bit worried I might have offended her at some point (but she likes me apparently too xwx I just... doubt;;).

I like.. Becoming more aware of my actions in the everyday world. And I love how more outspoken I am progressively becoming because of me finding myself. There’s still other parts and aspects of me that are set on hold, which I will still delve into whenever I am ready. But, until then?

I’ll just let the tides carry me to where I’m needed. Is it weird to be completely comfortable in knowing I’m exactly where I’m needed to be? Probably not to those who are used to it, but this feeling is... very zen-like.

And sure, there are bouts of ups and downs, but mostly?? Just;; positive I can’t stress that enough.

I hope to, with time, help others to feel how I do finally.

But for now...? Onward with my studies of brain waves and the moon’s phases. This will assist me with becoming more of my most authentic self. And lordt is she beautiful skskks.

[i [size10

I am the catalyst of change in my ancestrial line.
'Ouroboros' had
What is that, aside from just an infinium symbol

Ouroboros is an image of a snake (less commonly, a dragon) devouring its own tail in accordance to a depiction of the 'circle of life'.

This symbol, this snake, is woven around the tree of life (Torah). The Torah is used in many religious based cultures, and the (generalization) of the Torah is: A connection to everything, ancestry, growth and strength, individuality.....

Tell me, why is it I get this word spoken to me within the same day I had decided on the manifestation of my draconian energies once more?

When I hold the torah's symbol loosely around my neck?

It is because I am the Ouroboros in my familial line.
I am the one who will start a new change, and break patterns which had befallen upon my ancestry.

When I first had written this to a couple of people, I had gotten chills, the reminder of a tarot reader saying 'I had been chosen for this' rang in after I stopped my mind from trying to decipher what it all meant.

I simply am the change that is to happen, and I will fix my line as much as possible.

The dawning realization I was able to dig as deep into my field of issues was when I had been within my draconian energy, burning away lesser energies while focusing on my solar plexus, my seat of where I should belong at in confidence.

Silly me,
its time to get back on my throne. And I will again
It's just going to take a tad bit of time and focus.

[i [size10 Is this the final time I will cycle around this subject of you? The final nail in the coffin of reflection that I had done months upon?

Saying my story, my perception of what had happened in the span of my awakening-- it no longer harms me.

Ice me out, as you desire.
But you will continue to see me grow, while my shadow will cast itself further and further on you, enriching more hatred from you to my being.
Hate?
No
Hurt
A sense of the betrayal of being abandoned.
How could it be, that a princess on her throne being knocked out for the queen to take place.

That’s right. Me.

Cast your energies unto me, I will siphon them and use them for my own development.

While you...
You will falter to me. You can try and push my healing hands away all you desire.
But with time, like everything that I create in my reality..

You will fall to me.
And for the better, too.


Switch your reality, love, it had been months and you still give me your power now.
It is no longer I who fears the dark, but you, sagittarius.
Do what you do best, flee.
Keep running until you are ready to face me. But I will continue to march to my own beat.

And there is absolutely nothing that you, or anyone on this planet can do to stop me from this any longer.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytMUjBogO1Q]

[i [size10

Ah,,,, so you think it's fun to try n' be casting dark arts on me, do you?
Don't play wit me.

In other news:

I'm hype to be getting back into my boxing sdjhkfa. It was something I had been contemplating for a time there, and seeing CeeCee rear his ugly lil' head was the final nail in the casket for this decision.

Kinda blows walking around by myself, but that's all the more reason for me to be investing in this when I live in a basic 'Pre-Newyork' city (My area, which isn't too far from the York, gets called the 'appetizer' for that place pft).

I jjust have to wait for my gloves and wraps to get in, the only reason why I had stopped in the past is because the wraps and gloves there had a peculiar,,, odor about them; I didn't like it.

But no longer--

When I had decided on getting remeasured, not sure if I had written of this? But I was scanning my waist to hip ratio, and all I had was "(:" over it.

Since it's starting to get even more snowy, I have decided in once more... investing in ze permit.
YoU sHoULdNt Be DrIvInG iN sLuSh

Gat
I want to, because everything else will be a cakewalk from that point forward. Periodt.

Tuesday, damn it.
Tuesday.

[i [size10 I question the meaning of a relationship. Brent and I had gotten into a conversation over them and their underlying meanings. But, more so, it was the idea of him having no qualms with his significant going off and fooling with another woman, but he would get more defensive if his partner were fooling with another male.
It was an interesting conversation, as I was able to express how the work of subliminals that are portrayed out from media, and it just has me questioning this topic once more.

It was a slight spectrum, and it was nice to talk about those who have issues with those that are in ‘same sex’ relationships -- both males and females as a whole.

Has the foundation of things around us, given us the idea of love being mostly monogamous? I battle with this thought from time to time, as I watch both men and women around perform infidelity to their partners.


How can I hold such possession/a desire of ‘ownership’ of someone which wasn’t ever really mine in the first place?
I dont know, as one cannot control the faulty and actions of another, its a tad abstract for saying a person, a living being... belongs to someone.
Some people like that shit, I did once upon a star. But now... idk

Brent said a line of monogamy would be a simple ‘agreement’ of the two who were going into union. And that’s something I could get behind, as it shows less control, less of a grip on a being. However, to try and claim a person, its almost like one gives them a set of obligations to follow.

For once one expects something from another, they are entitling themselves to premeditated resentment.
What happens when the person doesn’t jump through the hoop one had planned out for them? They’re likely to, well, get disappointed.

So many thoughts which refuse to finish in their entirety,

What one doesn’t understand
They fear
And what one fear’s
They hate.

I’ve noted how I hold a grip, still, on you. And I’m realizing that’s still lingering aspects of my old shell that holds that desire, the stray idea things will change back to how crazy I was over you.
Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Only time would be able to say; but right now? In the current of how the timeline of things have been going in this reality... I dont wish to hold that, at all. Dont take this small action personally, as its more so for me to feel more at peace and calmness within myself. I dont’ like this cycle of a habit I keep subjecting myself to. So, I’m snuffing it out.

I’m still going to make more of an effort to get into contact too, I can’t like someone if they’re never around in the first place. It’s why I had to shove Brent off of me when we were cross faded. That was the first time I was able to stand in my power and say “No. We can’t.” With a firmness. This walk of life is showing me to put up my walls when they are needed. How am I going to be a massage therapist if I can’t say “no” to “Happy endings”?
They should never get that far in the first place, right?
Right.

Me first, sorry- I got shit I need to fix before I even give anyone my romantic attention. Periodt. [b snaps fingers, neck rolls in hoodrat] The Sashin in me has died.
It’s just time for me to uproot the weedings in my own habits.

[i [size10 The more I unravel over my childhood history, the more resentment I hold towards your figure.


Your fingers will be taken out of my neck in time, too.
This, I swear it.

[i [size10

Me: I’m ready for growth!!!!
Source: *pulls a haymaker into my gut and resurfaces the entire root/origin to why I had only a small handful of sexual interactions happen to me in my life along with why my interests are in women more than men*
Me:
Me: [center [pic https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/692/170/23e.gif]]

[h3 [center Svadhishthana]]
[b [right 2nd Chakra: Svadhishthana (Sacral Chakra)]]
[right [u Pronunciation: Swah-dish-stahn]]
[i [size10 After the Muladahara, the Svadishthana is the second chakra, which is located in the lower abdomen/pelvic area (about 3 inches lower from the navel). This chakra is closely intertwined with the emotional body, sensuality, and creativity.

It is intertwined with: Emotions, relationships, empathizing, The expression of sexuality, sensual pleasure, Creativity, Fantasies...

The sacral chakra is motivated by overall pleasure. Apparently, the sacral offers one balance in the feeling of having control in situations. The sacral is there to teach a person there is not strictly acceptance or rejection, that nothing is black and white.

This is where original ideas spring forth. “Dreams and ideas would not be realized without...”

Mantras which can be used during meditation on the sacral chakra are:
“Har Haray Hari Wahe Guru.” ---- “All aspects about the Creator are bliss.”
“VAM” -- This is a simple clearing of the chakra

The items listed below were simply copied and pasted from [https://www.learnreligions.com/sacral-chakra-1724450 here], as it holds simple information. I’ll have to see the organs at a later time and list them as either Yin or yang.

Color
orange
Sanskrit Name
swadhisthana
Physical Location
lower abdomen to the navel
Purposes
emotional connection
Spiritual Lesson
creativity, manifestation. honoring relationships, learning to "let go"
Physical Dysfunctions
low back pain, sciatica, ob/gyn problems, pelvic pain, libido, urinary problems
Mental / Emotional Issues
blame, guilt, money, sex, power, control, creativity, morality
Information Stored Inside Sacral Chakra
duality, magnetism, controlling patterns, emotional feelings (joy, anger, fear)
Area of Body Governed
sexual organs, stomach, upper intestines, liver, gallbladder, kidney, pancreas, adrenal glands, spleen, middle spine
Crystals / Gemstones
garnet, moonstone, orange tourmaline
Flower Essences
Indian paintbrush, lady's slipper, hibiscus
Foods That Nourish the Sacral Chakra
melons, mangos, strawberries, passion fruit, oranges, coconut, almonds, walnuts, cinnamon, vanilla, carob, sweet paprika, sesame seeds, caraway seeds

Unfortunately, I didn’t find much need to write an excessive amount here, as the chart displayed below has given an abundance of information on how to interact with this chakra center and it’s abouts for the most part.

[i [size10 You know?
I actually got hit with a thought of all the progress I have made in the span of this year versus when I was younger.

I can remember myself almost getting into the chakras at a younger age, as I had quite the interest in lucid dreaming (I would write down the REM cycles, little methods, and I even had a dream journal. It had gotten to the point where I had accidentally astral projected myself?? I ... didn’t follow up on it after, as I began to get swamped with other aspects instead).

The more prompting thing that is sticking out to me, however, is how degrading the past version of myself was to any future figure I was supposed to become. I degraded myself, by calling myself the names I had been brought up into believing that I am, but then gave myself the ‘comfort’ of knowing one of my blades I had neatly hidden was in the back of one of my biggest plushiest penguins, as it had a tear in the back during the time.

As I began looking into that study on my natal chart, I had found my vibrations of the planets frequencies lead me to the average of about 216-225. This reigned in just about the sacral plexus area, and where I have had the most issues when I was growing up as a child. I used to have an abundant amount of confidence, but it got tarnished from my sister at a younger age. She reveled in feeling like she was better than me -- and I can see in full face value she is not, and that she holds many deep rooted insecurities she constantly runs away from.

But I’m not here to talk about her.
I’m here to talk about me, and the person that I was, who I am now, and who I am becoming.

Who I was... I wish I had someone like me (in the now) to latch onto. I’ve become (just about) everything I needed back then, and it just tears me up to think of the amount of disdain I held towards myself at the time. I wish I could have a letter to write to the past variation of me, I wish there were words I could whisper to her at the times where she had shelled herself off from the feelings she hated to the point she’d curl her heart into a fist.

But I can’t. And That’s what she had done at the time to protect herself. She would turn tail, hold nonchalance like she knew what was going to be said, then leave. Constantly avoiding problems with gaming or lengthy hours of sleep or equal hours being spent on people who were having it just as bad.

Those were issues she could fix and tamper with, things that weren’t so hard to handle within herself. So she did.

And she’d get upset when people didn’t put the same effort in that she had to them. That’s the type of person she was, and she’d take the anger she held so much at others,,, on herself.

Who I am now? I’m... still carrying traces of this girl inside me. I can see it now, which is why I am continuing to try and be rid of these false beliefs I have put around myself. In the past, she had believed she was alone. But now?? I know there are more people out there that care for me than I realize. And it’s baffling to full heartidly see it displayed for me.

Even now, I continue to travel further inward, questioning what ‘love’ is as a whole. Not just romantically, no, but on the holistic scale. How would one think of writing and wording themselves without media having their two cents placed in? How would I say it, does it have to be strictly monogamous like shows describe? Does it have to be between strictly male and woman? Could there be more? Could there be just the person? What is it?

How do I fit into love, where do I stand? How do I function on it?

What is my foundation on the input of love?

It’s a question that I have been running laps around for a couple of days, and I still don’t have a complete answer.

There are some words written down here and there within my journal, but I don’t know how else to put it.

“It is what you make of it” Yeah, I get that as a TL:DR, but I want the more ... in depth, detailed version. And I will be sure to figure this out.

I do not fear working on my sacral any longer, I have been pushing it off for a while, and I will get into the activation of my emotional body. I can already tell this is going to bring up rooted issues, and my solar plexus??? HOOO WEEE I KNOW THERE FINNA BE SOME SHIT IN THERE BUT THATS FOR A DIFFERENT DAY KDSJFAFDGSH

I can do this. It just will take time, and I have a lot of it. Time is, after all, indefinite, an illusionary construct we have set ourselves in.

[i [size10 Actually, one more since I feel like talm abt my animal spirit deck?

This deck only shows animals along with wicca elements the author (Kim Kris) believes synchs up with the card in question. When I first began started using it, I actually do talk to my decks a bit in playful banter.

Like: Hey friend,,, I know u and I dont know eachother. so, lets break this ice and I'll ask you to tell me about myself.

And, well, I did the same song and dance while shuffling, and these three cards fully popped out on their own accord?

Crow (Air)
Nightingale (Air)
Spider (Earth)

I was a bit confused, and began to pull a couple other cards manually, and after this, at the bottom of the deck, I had the Mouse (Earth).

But my eyes were more attracted to the top slot as compared to the bottom, hence why I didn't care to remember the others as much (But I do know a dolphin was there and it made me go: :D at adsjk)

ANYWHO

The crow is a creature that is usually defined as a bad omen. However, in the past, I was shown that these creatures are actually connected to spirituality and are quite intelligent creatures. These beings could be heavily resourceful when gaining enlightenment. Like, the connecting tarot deck Kim held for the Hierophant, a card that represents "Order, obedience, and marriage", could also express a teacher or mentor in social conventions... had the crow to represent the card. HMMM-

The Nightingale came next, and I honestly had not a single clue of wtf this little guy could have been connected with. However, when looking into it, it has been connected to: Creativity, muse, nature's purity, virtue, and goodness."
These little things are also usually connected to poetry?? And, tbh, the only times I ever do get into that is when I'm in such a low rut... I have a sad melancholy voice, but hoowee is it powerful skskk

After came the Spider. These are usually connected to bad things as well, and people commonly hold arachnaphobia, a fear of these little guys. In spirituality, they are known for mystery, growth, patience and power. When I had looked it up further, they had said the spider is connected to the "shadow" portion of yourself, the darker aspects of ones personality.

... Finally, I have this little tiny mousey here which was at the bottom -- for how I am subconsciously underneath it all.

A FUCKIN SOFTY. LMAO

Mice are symbolized as being rather intelligent and empathetic creatures. Apparently, a study had been done and this lil mousey guy was able to gnaw on some paper that was keeping a different mouse stuck in a container?? To get him out -- without any sort of reward stimulation being offered. Point being, they're meek, small creatures. They can also be compared to "dark magic" symbols, disease, or even to the underworld due to their habits of .. living underground.
However-- I take it more for their meek appearances....

Am smol bean underneath it all.

Another thing I found interesting within these cards is there had been an equal balance of both Earth and air (2 and 2).
Like my head is still in the clouds, but I'm still here and present in the now.
What a contradictory thing...

[i [size10 I ALSO BEEN ON MY KEIYSHA COLE AS A WHOLE????? Dassa vibe lmaooo]

[i [size10 *Idly browses Lolita skirts and dresses in the background since I got extra Guap from my job since they love me*