(size25 (r (b Status: Online! SOBER is SEXXY)))

(pic http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a57/drfan1123/ES%20Made%20Pics/lunapic_128501539425853_2.jpg)

(pic http://i62.tinypic.com/2cr0tvs.jpg)

(picl http://i62.tinypic.com/2wgw3fr.jpg)
(blue (b Name:)) Jillian Farah Knapp
(#FE2E2E (b Nicknames:)) Jill, Fallyn, Jay, Angel
(r (b Age:)) 24 years young
(#04B404 (b Birthday:)) November 23rd, 1989 (Doctor Who Anniversary)
(#088A85 (b Gender:)) Female
(#4B088A (b RL Status:)) Taken & A MOMMY!!! (3/26/2012)
(#b97de3 (b ES Status:)) Taken
(#08088A (b Favorite Colors:)) (#81BEF7 Light Blue) and (#F781F3 Pink)
(#088A4B (b Sex:)) LOL I lost that a long time ago, except I'm a born again
(#B404AE (b Sexuality:)) Straight *wink wink*
(picr http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a57/drfan1123/Hello%20Kitty/k014.gif)
(#0B3861 (b Likes:)) Music, writing, animes, Hello Kitty and boys
(#D7DF01 (b Dislikes:)) Controlling boys, drugs, smoking and bad language
(#D0F5A9 (b Favorite Book:)) Daughters Of The Moon series
(#8A084B (b Song Of The Day:)) (i Collar Full (Cover)) by (b Joey Graceffa)
(#AC58FA (b Favorite Quote:)) (i "May the odds be ever in your favor!")
(#04B4AE (b Favorite Animals:)) Dolphins, Penguins and Pandas

(#FF0080 Bio:)

My life has gone from not so good, to amazing. All because of one special someone. My beautiful mini me. My daughter. She is my inspiration for everything. She is my true love. I would do anything for her. I'm a mom and I'm proud of it. I may be single but I know what I am doing. She's happy and healthy, that's all i could ask for.

(pic http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a57/drfan1123/ES%20Made%20Pics/lunapic_128501539425853_5.jpg)

(#f986fe To Whom I Owe My Life:)

(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=47 Tiffy) - (#32f726 I've known her for so long it's not even funny. Well it is, because we are so silly when we are around each other. She's one of my best friends here. Like family to me. Don't even think of hurting her or you will be dealing with me!)

(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=435 Stephii) - (#e50606 My RL sister! What can I say about her? Well she's my sister, so I gotta love her. I do everything with her. I think I joined the old ES with her, or she joined just after me. Well we have been here awhile and I can't imagine life without her in it. Sister by chance, best friends by choice!)

(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=40438 Chris) - (#561231 Even though we have just met, it seems like I have known you forever. We have sooo much in common. I think I wouldn't mind you being my Loki to my Lucy! But I know that will never happen. I will always be there for you for everything and I will never hurt you. We've become so close so fast and I absolutely love it!)

(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=22891 Matty) - (#245e99 He's too cute! I just wanna hug him and squeeze him forever and ever. He's an awesome friend that I have known for like ever!! He knows how to make me laugh and yet he can be serious with me all at the same time. He never makes any sense, which is confusing but funny all at once. He's one of a kind.)

(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=4826 Myles) - (#61f254 What can be said about him? Well, he is profound, intelligent and a very great guy. He's an awesome friend to have on your side.There is just so much about someone you could never know, unless you put in the effort. At first I was intimidated by this guy, but soon enough I learned I could just be myself. Mess with him and you mess with me!)

(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=39193 Vanity) - (#ee30f3 She is one of a kind and very well-rounded. I am very glad I met her. She's funny and sweet. Very caring. She's actually a little like me, we are both investigators and a bit nosey. Don't mess with her or you will have to deal with me!)

(pic http://i61.tinypic.com/2nlhbmg.jpg)

Second Profile

(picc http://i.imgur.com/in8KFSa.jpg)
(picl http://i.imgur.com/KgF0Ndt.jpg)
(picr http://i.imgur.com/0vmswps.gif)
(picl http://i.imgur.com/Q3yerls.jpg)
(picl http://i.imgur.com/XJZfnkz.jpg)

Third Profile

(Center (size10 (b (u Status:) (#47c0f0 Possible Hiatus/Not feeling well...))))
(picc http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m63yhhruxr1r08tog.gif)(Picr http://i.imgur.com/XzkWAtf.jpg?1)
(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Angel)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe "Amy" or "Angie")))(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Immortal)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe Forever young)))(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Gender-Confused)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe But if my gender isn't obvious already..)))(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Sexually Curious)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe Won't you like to know?)))(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Jellybaby anyone?)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe They are so nummy!)))(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Guardian Angel)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe I have someone to protect already, sorry)))(size23 (center (#47c0f0 Taken by my Rory)))(size11 (center (#48b9fe He is my knight in shining armor, so fuck off)))(picc http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m63yhhruxr1r08tog.gif)(center (http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=44560 (pic http://i.imgur.com/xeVALDA.jpg))(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=435 (pic http://i.imgur.com/xeVALDA.jpg))(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=22891 (pic http://i.imgur.com/xeVALDA.jpg))(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=43421 (pic http://i.imgur.com/xeVALDA.jpg))(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=27683 (pic http://i.imgur.com/xeVALDA.jpg)))
(Center (b (#48b9fe (u Around):{X} (u Away):{} (u Sleeping):{} (u Busy):{} (u Lurking):{X})))

Fourth Profile

(center (pic http://i.imgur.com/klDS7uw.jpg))
(center (font "Times New Roman" (size17 (#FFB6C1 (b ~) Juliet (b ~)(#FFB6C1 Immortal (b ~) (#FFB6C1 Broken) (b ~))))))
(center (i (size17 Because hearts are often broken...)))
(center (pic http://i.imgur.com/IHo6zPv.gif))
(center (i (size17 By words left unspoken.)))

Fifth Profile Structure

(picl http://i.imgur.com/BuGMvqX.jpg)
(picr http://i.imgur.com/o8nmUrm.jpg)

(picc http://i.imgur.com/ybSi09P.gif)
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(center (size10 (#ff00ff Minnie) (pic http://i.imgur.com/DhjxnI9.jpg) (#dc143c Immortal)))
(center (size10 (#ff00ff Isn't it obvious) (pic http://i.imgur.com/DhjxnI9.jpg) (#dc143c Looking for my Mickey)))

(center (size8 (#dc143c " Remember, you're the one who ) (#ff00ff can fill the world with sunshine. ")))
(picc http://i.imgur.com/DIhmG12.gif)

(picc http://i.imgur.com/xeDV0zh.gif)

Sixth Profile

(Picc http://i.imgur.com/JXbUKlY.png)
(Picl http://i.imgur.com/heV0uxV.jpg)(#ffffff Fillerrrrr)(Pic http://static.tumblr.com/9439811a430c27e9c5ca187c139dd763/m2n3o0h/6cRmyopky/tumblr_static_snowflakes-screensaver.gif)(Pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/fe71356550cf3ec1bacf30c877fc95a4/tumblr_inline_mxg7z4NqpB1rkylb2.png)(Pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/fe71356550cf3ec1bacf30c877fc95a4/tumblr_inline_mxg7z4NqpB1rkylb2.png)(Pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/fe71356550cf3ec1bacf30c877fc95a4/tumblr_inline_mxg7z4NqpB1rkylb2.png)(Pic http://static.tumblr.com/9439811a430c27e9c5ca187c139dd763/m2n3o0h/6cRmyopky/tumblr_static_snowflakes-screensaver.gif)(#ffffff Filler)(Picl http://i.imgur.com/4dSzTrK.jpg)(Picr http://i.imgur.com/4dSzTrK.jpg)

(Center (Pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/e520db13354341ec56e71c7375d37ee3/tumblr_inline_n24e5nhYRE1qfc9y0.gif) (Font "Times New Roman" Angel) (Pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/e520db13354341ec56e71c7375d37ee3/tumblr_inline_n24e5nhYRE1qfc9y0.gif) (Font "Times New Roman" Ageless (Pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/e520db13354341ec56e71c7375d37ee3/tumblr_inline_n24e5nhYRE1qfc9y0.gif)))
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(#88b2dd (Center (b (i " You are the first and last thing on my mind each and every day "))))
(Center (Font "Comic Sans MS" (#244f7a This Profile Was Made By S-MEXT)))(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=17226 (Picc https://36.media.tumblr.com/40ae29fc11f134a9cee3014831d945c6/tumblr_inline_ns0nq6ck561tv3io8_540.png))(#ffffff Fill)
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Seventh Profile

(Picc http://static.tumblr.com/fee1aaf2cc81c4f3674295e6be7388be/14uhtjc/83umu40cg/tumblr_static_titre-02.png)(Picc http://orig11.deviantart.net/b10c/f/2014/333/6/7/moon_phase_divider_by_slimyfur-d882vo2.png)(Picc http://i.imgur.com/rHZoeGg.png)(Picl http://i.imgur.com/PgUjbBB.jpg)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngwraXumj1qf72le.png)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1zdngM8P91r3we0y.gif)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngwraXumj1qf72le.png)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngwraXumj1qf72le.png)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1zdngM8P91r3we0y.gif)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngwraXumj1qf72le.png)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngwraXumj1qf72le.png)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1zdngM8P91r3we0y.gif)(Pic http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngwraXumj1qf72le.png)
(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=435 (Pic https://31.media.tumblr.com/avatar_a915a208a620_128.png))(Pic https://38.media.tumblr.com/avatar_22aff6d9c92b_128.png)(Picc http://orig11.deviantart.net/85d5/f/2014/009/9/c/pixel_divider_com___flanshiu___by_momoko_chu-d71iwsr.png)(Picc http://i.imgur.com/02mYeR5.png)(Picc http://orig11.deviantart.net/85d5/f/2014/009/9/c/pixel_divider_com___flanshiu___by_momoko_chu-d71iwsr.png)
(Pic https://31.media.tumblr.com/avatar_dbfe7cf63b96_128.png)(http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=17226 (Pic http://31.media.tumblr.com/avatar_6f0864a554a1_128.png))
(Center (Pic http://pixeljoint.com/forum/forum_images/no_new_posts_icon.gif) (Font "Courier New" Feeling adventurous? (http://rp.eliteskills.com/pm.php?u=591 (Font "Courier New" PM)) me!) (Pic http://pixeljoint.com/forum/forum_images/no_new_posts_icon.gif))(Picc http://i.imgur.com/5oJWF2f.png)

Eighth Profile

(picc http://i.imgur.com/hseLc0c.jpg)

Ninth Profile

(picc https://i.imgur.com/27TLY1K.png) (center || (size10 Status: Got my Marceline wig! ) ||)(center (size20 (b (#FF69B4 Q))(#FF69B4 ᴜᴇᴇɴ)) || (size20 (b (#FF69B4 A))(#FF69B4 ɢᴇʟᴇss) || (size20 (b (#FF69B4 S))(#FF69B4 ᴀɢɪᴛᴛᴀʀɪᴜs)) || (http://rp.eliteskills.com/u.php?u=70082 (size20 (b (#FF69B4 H)(#FF69B4 ɪs)(b (#FF69B4 Q))(#FF69B4 ᴜᴇᴇɴ))))))

Tenth Profile (Halloween Theme)

(picr https://i.imgur.com/pf2Bkae.png)
(center (pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5jqwxA7bT1qb1380.gif))
(center (i (font "Courier New" Come little children, the time’s come to play )))
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(font "Courier New" (center Queenie))
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(center (font "Courier New" Single & Flirty))
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(center (i (font "Courier New" Here in my garden of magic)))
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(right (font "Courier New" (size8 Profile made by Lancu )))

(picc http://i60.tinypic.com/30lo176.jpg)

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wish things were very different than they were? Well, I am having one of those moments right now. I am sitting here, listening to my boyfriend sleep on the phone, and I just cannot help but wonder what will happen in the morning. I love him with all of my heart, I do. I cannot live without him. I say I will be okay, but in reality, I just will not. I need him.)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 I live for nights like this, just to listen to him sleeping. We have not been together very long, but I am so attached to him more than ever at this point. I can be myself with him and I love that about our relationship. I feel like we are best friends and lovers all at the same time. It seems strange to think, but it is true.)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 Sometimes I wonder what goes through his mind. I wonder if I am doing something wrong and he will not say. I wonder if I am doing too much or loving him too much. I love his family already. His mom is nice, she may not be the best kind of mom, but she loves her kids. His brother is adorable, He reminds me of my own brother and I love it. I want to be a part of his family more than anything. I want him to be a part of mine.)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 Maybe I am just thinking too far ahead in my life. I just know what I want, when I want it. Is it so wrong to love him the way I do? Maybe I am just helpless. Who truly knows at this point.)))

(right (font "Georgia" (size10 (#64e5ed ~Hopelessly Devoted))))

(picc http://i61.tinypic.com/23w5e6q.jpg)

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel left behind. I feel abandoned. Does he not know how I truly feel about him? Does he not understand what I would do for him? He is my everything. I have tried so hard to please him and make him the happiest boy ever. Was I not enough?)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 He says one thing and then another. I get so confused and feel like I am being pushed away. I love him with all my heart. He says that we need a break. A break entails that we will eventually get back together in the end, but that is not the case here. There is a possibility that I may lose him in the end. That is not a break.)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 Why do I have to go through all of this? What did I do wrong? He thinks I do not need him for anything because I put on a front. I would not cling to him if I did not need him. I feel less lonely with him. I feel happy with him. I feel like I can take on the world with him. I may have walls and not show how much I need him, but I need him more than he thinks.)))

(right (font "Georgia"(size10 (#fa299f ~Confused~))))

(picc http://i61.tinypic.com/24bl1xt.jpg)

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 Giving up seems like the easiest thing to do right now. A part of me wants to give up. A small part, but it is there. The other part wants me to keep fighting. I would like to say eventually I would stop, but I cannot say something that is not true. I cannot look myself in the eyes and say I would EVER give up on this guy.)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 No matter how hard it gets or how long I have to fight, I will still be there fighting to be with him. I will be a ninety year old woman still fighting for him to notice me. NOTICE ME!)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 All I want is him to notice that I am right in front of him wanting to love him and have him love me. We have weird conversations, but they are the best. We are so unconventional when we talk and it is just amazing. Is it weird that I can picture our love life like a Disney movie?)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 Speaking of Disney, did I mention that I call him my Flynn Rider? It is so weird to think of him in that manner, but I do. It is hard to even say I think our relationship could end up like a fairy tale, but I do. He is the Prince Charming I have been waiting for, and yet he is in love with another.)))

(center (font "Georgia" (size10 I am practically the girl next door character or the girl best friend character or the rebound girl who happens to be the true love character. Either way, I do end up with the main character in the end, right? That is how it should be, correct?)))

(right (font "Georgia" (size10 (#eb2d6f ~Damsel In Distress~))))

[center [pic http://media2.giphy.com/media/zHGXhFJCVCbD2/giphy.gif]]

[center [size10 [#FF00FF I left this account for a boy that did not want me. Why am I always doing things for boys that don't want me? I am cursed. I tell you. I'm writing to no one because no one cares.]]]

[center [size10 [#FF00FF It is easier to write out my feelings here than on any other site. If I did that then my friends would wonder what was going on. The father of my child would say some hurtful things to me once again. I just want a break from everyone. I vent because I want to get it all out.]]]

[center [size10 [#FF00FF I wish I did not rely on love so much. I rely on it too much. When I fall in love, I fall hard. I love hard. I try to do the right thing. I try to be the best person I can be. I give it my all and without having to give any pity in it. Is that so wrong?]]]

[center [size10 [#FF00FF I have been doing some reading and have come to the conclusion that I have bipolar manic depression. It is the most logic reason behind my mood swings and just who I am. I wish it were different and that I didn't have it. It just is what it is. Some days I can be on top of the world. Some days I can be a bitch. Some days I'll just be very depressed and lethargic. I'll just have to deal with it.]]]

[right [size10 [#00FFFF ~Going Crazy~]]]

[center [pic http://data3.whicdn.com/images/93190237/large.gif]]

[center [#00ffff [size8 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Finger+Paint]
[finger+paint Lately I have been feeling so down and have had no one there for me. I have been going through a lot and no one wants to be there for me. I have less and less friends everyday. No one wants me in their life. The people that do don't know me yet because we have just met.]]]]

[center [#00ffff [size8 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Finger+Paint]
[finger+paint Life, for me, has been a big ball of mess. I had a boyfriend, yup, on here and in rl. I met him here. I fell in love with him within a week. He didn't love me back, but I wanted to fight for him. You always fight for something you believe in. And I believed in love. He used to believe in love.]]]]

[center [#00ffff [size8 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Finger+Paint]
[finger+paint He finally asked me out, thinking I would say no, June 13th. It was night time and I was crying to him about him not seeing what was right in front of him. Of course, I was talking about me. June 13th. That was the happiest night of my life.]]]]

[center [#00ffff [size8 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Finger+Paint]
[finger+paint Lately, he has been withdrawn from me. He barely talks to me and I can barely go around and tell people that we are dating cause he doesn't want enemies. I don't want to live a lie though. I want to shout it to the world. I love him unconditionally and I have for a long time. I worked so hard to have him, I think I deserve to tell the world. I LOVE CHRISTOPHER TURNER! Is that so much to ask? To shout it to the world.]]]]

[center [#00ffff [size8 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Finger+Paint]
[finger+paint Back to me not being myself. Lately, I've been having flashbacks to one night. It was a terrible night and I wish I could take it back more than anything. It hurts to remember it and I have no one there for me to vent to about it. No one. I feel empty.]]]]

[right [#1e90ff [size8 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Finger+Paint]
[finger+paint ~Broken~]]]]

[center [pic http://img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/f0867433afc6aefaaa51b9cebaba8e891365107409_full.gif]]

[center [size8 [+mediumturquoise [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Dancing+Script]
[dancing+script In two days I will have been with my AMAZING boyfriend for a whole month. Longer than we have ever gone out and I am hoping for longer. I know I won't get to spend the whole day with him, but night time will be the best time. We always talk at night, but I don't mind because he is the sweetest guy ever.]]]]

[center [size8 [+mediumturquoise [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Dancing+Script]
[dancing+script It took us a long time to get to where we are today. Three months of back and forth and him getting his heart broken a few times. I know it is going to take an awful long time to put all the pieces back together again, but it will be worth it in the end to seem him so happy.]]]]

[center [size8 [+mediumturquoise [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Dancing+Script]
[dancing+script I know that our relationship is not guaranteed or anything, I am just happy to be in his life. I will stay by his side for as long as he so wishes. When he tells me to leave, then I will. If I don't hear those words come from him, then I will be staying.]]]]

[center [size8 [+mediumturquoise [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Dancing+Script]
[dancing+script He makes me soooooo happy. Words cannot express how happy I am that he is in my life. The night he asked me out was the best night ever. I was crying to him about how he couldn't see that I loved him so much still and hated to see him hurt. He thought I was going to say no, which is why he was hesitant to ask me. He finally did and I said yes. Every day I fall more and more in love with him. We may have an unconventional love, but it's an unconditional one too.]]]]

[center [size8 [+mediumturquoise [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Dancing+Script]
[dancing+script Sunday is our one month! I have a lot to do and he is always busy. But I don't mind at all. I understand and respect him a lot. I am so deeply proud of the person he is. He thinks he is becoming a new person, but that is untrue. He is just being himself and I love him for that. I love everything about him. No matter what I am always going to love him. He's an amazing guy. I am his kitten and he is my boy. I wouldn't have it any other way. I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER TURNER!]]]]

[right [size8 [+mediumseagreen [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Dancing+Script]
[dancing+script ~Happily In Love~]]]]

[center [pic http://37.media.tumblr.com/5053b2ce6475687b563b04f2832a13b3/tumblr_n2tm4nJZBB1snd43wo5_500.gif]

[center [size10 [+lightseagreen [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Crafty+Girls]
[crafty+girls Today is July 13th, 2014. I have been dating my boyfriend for a month now. It feels so unreal. I can't wait to make it a year with him. We've been through so much and I absolutely love him. I don't care if he has other girlfriends, I know I'm number one to him. I feel bad for the other girl or girls, depending at this point. I can't help but feel bad for them.]]]]


[center [size10 [+lightseagreen [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Crafty+Girls]
[crafty+girls Not everything has been going smoothly for me. I have been upset lately. He says I start problems, but I don't. Because I see something on ES that upsets me, does not mean I am causing drama. I make up problems he says. But I don't think I do. I think my worries are very much necessary at this point. He has broken up with me in the past multiple times before. It wouldn't be the first time that he left me for an ex. Even though he tells me that he doesn't love her and that she is a liar. I can't help but to think the worst. He left me for Alex. So why wouldn't he leave me for Sherry?]]]]


[center [size10 [+lightseagreen [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Crafty+Girls]
[crafty+girls Aside from all of that. I talked to this girl who has always hated me. I found out that she doesn't hate me now, but she doesn't like me. She can't trust me with anything. I'm not asking for her trust though. I am merely just telling her the truth. Being honest. I was raised to be honest, granted I lie to my parents, but they make me nervous. It's easier to be honest through a computer screen because then I don't have to see the person's face. Which is why, in the real world, I have anxiety and depression and I am very shy. I can't help that that's who I am.]]]]


[center [size10 [+lightseagreen [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Crafty+Girls]
[crafty+girls Another thing, I found out that Sherry dislikes me. It's not like I want to have a ton of friends,but when people dislike me for no reason, it gets to me. Why be genuine and nice to people when they are just going to talk bad about you behind their back? He called me a pushover, but I don't think that is true. I can't be a pushover. Maybe I am one. I would hate for it to be true. Why does Sherry dislike me so much? I did nothing but be honest with her. Yes, I know a lot about her, from Chris and from Vinny. But that doesn't mean I'm going to write her off. I wanted to know her for her, not for what other people had said. Isn't that the right thing to do?]]]]


[right [size10 [+lightsteelblue [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Crafty+Girls]
[crafty+girls ~Confuzzled~]]]]

[center [pic http://media.giphy.com/media/Rq5GYNscOUEkE/giphy.gif]]

[center [size10 [+deepskyblue [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Satisfy]
[satisfy I want to close myself off from the world. I want nothing to do with anyone who isn't my family. No one cares about me. They all pretend to care, because in reality they hate me. [i Frenemies.] That's what I have. People who tell me they are my friends, but in actuality they are just my enemy.]]]]

[center [size10 [+deepskyblue [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Satisfy]
[satisfy Why pretend to care? I don't pretend. I can't. It's not in my nature to pretend to care about someone. I do it because I really mean it. I'm a genuine person. I do things because I want to, not because I have to or am told to. Isn't that how it is supposed to work?]]]]

[center [size10 [+deepskyblue [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Satisfy]
[satisfy He barely talks to me. He barely texts me. My own boyfriend. I'm the doting girlfriend and do anything for him. I let him have other girlfriends. I let what they say bother me. He talks to them more than he talks to me. I thought I was the one he truly loved, other than his last ex.]]]]

[center [size10 [+deepskyblue [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Satisfy]
[satisfy After almost a week of not talking to me, I finally get a call and a few texts from him. Strange. But it made me feel better to hear his voice again. To hear him tell me he loved me. That meant everything to me. Of course, he had to go though. Not sure when he will talk to me or text me again. It was so cute that he tried to hide who he was talking to just so he could stay talking to me. We were lovey dovey and it felt so nice to smile for him and to laugh for him. It just felt right.]]]]

[right [size10 [+deeppink [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Satisfy]
[satisfy ~ Losing Hope ~]]]]

[center [pic http://media.giphy.com/media/bE34beLDuoT8Q/giphy.gif]]

[center [size13 [+darkcyan [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Tangerine]
[tangerine I think it is time for me to say goodbye once again. I've stayed long enough and just need to go. No one here likes me. So what is the point in staying? There is no point to it. No point at all. Everyone hates me. I try to be genuine with people. I sit there and I actually care about these people I have never met. Yeah, people I have never met. I actually care. Yet, none of them care about me.]]]]

[center [size13 [+darkcyan [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Tangerine]
[tangerine Sherry finally hates me for being too honest with her. For speaking my mind. Yup, I spoke my mind and she hates me now. I could get her in trouble, but I choose not to. Hali hates me now. She told me to never speak to her again. She even blocked me, with Sherry. Then she unblocked me. I don't know why she unblocked me if she hates me. She seems a bit two-faced, and I dislike that in people. Sherry is the same way. I chose to give them the benefit of the doubt though. When I knew.]]]]

[center [size13 [+darkcyan [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Tangerine]
[tangerine I knew they disliked me all along. I just knew. Chris would read their texts to me when the text was about me. So I knew all along. I tried to make them like me. I tried to make them see that I'm not a horrible person. I was just being me. I'm a caring person and I always have been. Always. No matter what people think of me, I always show kindness.]]]]

[center [size13 [+darkcyan [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Tangerine]
[tangerine Leaving is my best option right now. Leaving is the only way to get better. I don't know why I get attached to anyone over the internet. Maybe it is easier to talk to people over the internet because they can't truly judge me when I am finally being myself. I guess I was wrong. I seem to be getting judged all over the internet these days. I'm not trying to make enemies. I am just trying to be myself and it does me no good. I'm sorry.]]]]

[right [size13 [+crimson [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Tangerine]
[tangerine ~ Goodbye ~]]]]

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[center [size13 [+orange [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Calligraffitti]
[calligraffitti I've met the love of my life and I would not have it any other way. I met him on Gaia and we started texting and talking on the phone. Gaia is a site that has little chibi avatars that you can move around. So coote!]]]]

[center [size13 [+orange [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Calligraffitti]
[calligraffitti I met him in person finally. We talked about it for so long. He saved up money to come and see me with his family. He was living in New Jersey for awhile, but he was moving to Kentucky and had to see me before he left for there. It was so romantic! XD]]]]

[center [size13 [+orange [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Calligraffitti]
[calligraffitti The first thing he did was hug me when we first saw each other. He told me that my pictures didn't do me any justice. That I'm much prettier in person and do not look my age. It was so coote! I loved every second of it, even if it was for a day.]]]]

[center [size13 [+orange [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Calligraffitti]
[calligraffitti I call him Watanuki and he calls me his Karuta. We went on a date and he paid for it all. It was AMAZING! I've never had a guy treat me so well. We may be long distance for now, but he is coming back in two months to live with me. I couldn't be anymore excited than I already am.]]]]

[center [size13 [+orange [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Calligraffitti]
[calligraffitti His kisses were so sweet, like candy. His hugs were warm and comforting. I cuddled with him and I HATE to cuddle, but with him it just felt right. He's so strong and so cute! Did I mention how hot and handsome he is? No! Well, he is!]]]]

[center [size13 [+orange [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Calligraffitti]
[calligraffitti I was myself around him and I felt so comfortable around him. I was honest and upfront about everything. I was so clingy and he loved it. He is the most loyal guy ever. I got so lucky with him. I really did.]]]]

[right [size13 [+hotpink [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Homemade+Apple]
[homemade+apple ~In Love~]]]]

[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/9h9xKja.gif]]
[center [size10 [+pink Keeping this here for now...]]]
[center [size10 [i She walked up to him, her head down and tears streaming down her face.]]]
[center [size10 I love you Karuta, I really do. But lately, you've changed. You used to strive for me attention. Beg me to comfort you, even when I did not know what to do. Beg for my attention when I was busy on the computer. Now you have my attention and I do not have yours. I get it, it's not fun. I wish this cruel joke would end.]]
[center [size10 [i She cries more, shaking a bit now.]]
[center [size10 Karuta, you are sweet, charming, beautifully handsome, funny, caring, kind, generous, strong(physically) and very bright. You are like no one I have ever met and I love you for that. You are uniquely you. I would never want to change you. At least your personality and looks.]]
[center [size10 Loving unconditionally is giving your heart to someone freely and without any limitations. When you give someone your heart, you trust them not to break it. You trust them to keep it safe and sound. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I fall head over heels in love faster than most.]]
[center [size10 [i She sniffles a bit crying some more.]]]
[center [size10 About seven months we have been in each other's life. The first three were rough.l On and off dating plus on and off talking. I don't think I want to forget my past. It is something to learn from and to remember, both good and bad. You have to take the good with the bad and the happy and the sad. It's how life works.]]
[center [size10 These past four months have been a roller coaster. We both mistakes. We both have our faults. I regret the things I've done to you. They weren't right or moral. I should have more respect for myself than that. You have shown me so much. You tell me how beautiful I am. You tell me how smart I am. How sweet I am. You tell me all these special things, and I can't help but believe the words from your mouth.]]
[center [size10 [i She covers her mouth and closes her eyes as more tears fall down her face.]]]
[center [size10 I'll always love you. Always been in your life. Be someone for you to come to. Even if we are not together, I will still be here for you. I promise that to you. I'm not breaking up with you, I could never bring myself to do that. My love for you is bountiful and passionate. I get jealous easily. I can't help that. When you have someone you love so much and care so much about, you can't help but think everyone sees it too. Which from how it seems, is true. I'm not the only one who cares for you. Who loves you.]]
[center [size10 [i She takes a deep breath and opens her eyes crying still.]]]
[center [size10 Please don't forget me in the future.]]
[center [size10 [i Her lips quiver as she leans closer to him. She closes her eyes, tears streaming down her face. She kisses his lips softly, tears falling over her lips. She let's go of his lips after a few moments and looks down.]]]
[center [size10 I'm sorry for not being enough for you. Not being what you needed. I can tell now that I cannot give you enough love for you to stay with me.]]
[center [size10 [i She turns away from him, crying, and begins to walk away from him.]]]

[center [pic http://data3.whicdn.com/images/44202031/large.gif]]

[center [size12 [b [+blue Keeping this here:]]]]

[center [size10 [b [i She smiles and then turns around and faces him, still smiling at him.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "Each day I'm loving you, more and more."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "Listen to your heart, can you hear it sing?"]]]
[center [size10 [+pink Nothing can ever take me away from you. What we have is special. Not only to me, but in general. I'm never going to leave you like the rest did. You make me wanna be a better person, as well as a better girlfriend to you.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "Even if the skies get rough..."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "Even the stars, they burn..."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "God knows we're worth it."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink There is so much out there for you and I to discover. To discover together. Destiny brought us together. God knows that we are supposed to be together. Remember? I told you, I hesitated to join your chat. It was on my watch list for 24 hours. I finally posted. It was fate when I did. It brought us together.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "Let's run away and don't look back."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "My heart stops when you look at me."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "This is real."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink This is real. It has to be real. Your touch. Your kisses. Your warmth. Your safety. It all means so much to me. More than you can ever know. Laying on your chest, being held in your arms. It was pure ecstasy. I do not know where to begin and I do not want to end. It all felt so right. So perfect. Two un-perfect people. It was just perfect.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "The girl that never wins..."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "Never made it as head cheerleader."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink Remember this song? This was the song you said reminded you of me. Of me. A song reminded you of me. After everything we had been through. Hearing about her constantly. This song, an underdog song. It meant the world to me to know you even think of me at all.]]]
[center [size10 [b [i She kisses his cheek sweetly.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "One step closer."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "Time has brought your heart to me"]]]
[center [size10 [+pink I feel like I was born to love you and only you. All the others were just practice to finding you. I made mistakes and took wrong turns, but I found my way to you. We both found our way to one another. Fate has a design for us. I just know this has to be true. I feel that it has to be true.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "I wanna hold your hand."]]]
[center [size10 [b [i She takes his hand and holds onto it tightly with both of her small hands.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink I don't think, I know I wanna marry you and spend the rest of my life in your arms. Feeling your kissing against my sweet lips. This is a no brainer for me.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "You make me wanna act like a girl."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "You make me glow"]]]
[center [size10 [+pink If only you knew how I truly felt about you. I love you, I do. I care about you too. So much. Yes, I get hurt and get jealous and cry, A LOT, but I do love you. I get upset, but my love never dwindles. In fact, it keeps growing, no matter what bad thing you do. I still have you in my life. I smile, even when you think I am so sad. You give me attention and it brightens my day. You shush me and sing to me. It's like an angel has come to my rescue. I swear all of this is true.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be."]]]
[center [size10 [b [i She kisses his hand gently and holds it close to her heart.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "In your arms, I can still feel the way you want me."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "There ain't no way, I'm letting you go now."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "I'm keeping you forever and for always."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink I don't want to lose you and all that we have. I could never imagine my life without you in it. No matter what fight we get into, I still need you in my life. I still need you here. I just need you and your love. It means the world to me. You mean the world to me.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "A day without you is like a year without rain."]]]
[center [size10 [b [i She reaches one hand up to his face and caresses his cheek, her other hand still holding his hand to her heart. A smile crosses her lips.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "I wish I was beside you."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink All I want in this world is you. I am working my butt off so I can be with you. I am doing everything I can to run away with you. I want us to be stable. To be able to do things we never could have imagined. I really do.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "You are the thunder and I am the lightening."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "When you look in my eyes, it takes my breath away.]]]
[center [size10 [+pink I'll never forget the day we met face to face, outside of the computer screen. You walked up the stairs and pushed Brandon and your mom out of the way. You hugged me so tight. That was the first the you did. I was in shock and surprised and nervous, all at once. My heart jumped when you hugged me. The hug, though awkward, felt real and felt sweet and loving.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "You're the glitter in the darkness of my world."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink If only you knew the pain that you decrease for me. The joy you bring in my life. All that you truly do for me. It seems like you do nothing, but you do a lot more than I let you think. You make everything go away with your sweet words. You make everything feel better with your singing. I've grown so attached to all of your parts. Good and bad. Nothing could make me love you less.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "My whole heart, will be yours forever."]]]
[center [size10 [b [i She grabs his other hand and puts it to her heart with a smile. Tears begin to form in her eyes, happy tears.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "You're the pulse that I've always needed."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink You feel that? That is what you do to my heart. You make it race to no end. My love for you is boundless and unconditional. You have shown me how to truly love someone no matter what. You've taught me new things and I love you for that.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "Baby even on our worst nights, I'm still into you."]]][center [size10 [+deeppink "Not a day goes by that I'm not into you."]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "When we're together it feels so right."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink Unconditional love was not something I had ever truly heard of or even considered a real thing. Only for the movies, I thought. Not for real people. Not for the real world. It didn't exist until you showed it to me. Until you showed me how to love that way.]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "I swear that I can see forever in your eyes."]]]
[center [size10 [b [i She takes his hands in hers and holds them between the two of them. His hands now off of her heart. She smiles as she looks up at him. A small sigh escapes her lips, as a tear drop falls down her face. A smile still across her lips.]]]]
[center [size10 [+deeppink "I will always love you."]]]
[center [size10 [+pink You are good enough for someone. I could never give you up and I don't want to. I always have and I always will fight for you. You are a great boyfriend, even if I don't show you that enough. You took me on a date, no guy can ever say that. You were a true gentleman, not a player. You love me for me. You don't want to change me. You want to help me. You know my potential and you want to be there by my side through it all.]]]

[center [pic http://i7.glitter-graphics.org/pub/2650/2650047vi0t7za8jl.gif]]

[center [size10 [+fuchsia Sooooo.... There is about 15 days until my birthday. I cannot wait for it. I honestly cannot wait. My boyfriend has been super nice to me lately too. It is hard to imagine my life without him in it. To be quite honest.

I know, I know. I can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but I love him to death. He is getting me THE BEST GIFT EVER! He is coming to visit me as my birthday present.

You see, he got a job so that he can come and visit me and help me save up to go and live with him soonish. He is the best guy ever. He really is the light of my life. The reason to live and breathe. He is even a great father figure to my daughter. Always giving her kisses and playing around with her.

I love my boyfriend, or should I say my fiancé. I cannot help my feelings for him. Him and I fight, and when I say fight, I mean more on the verbal side and to the point where we almost break up. I suppose it is something I deserve. I do start a lot of the fights. I do not mean to though.

I love him so much. I cannot put into words the feelings that I have for him out on paper or a screen. I would be here for days and I am sure no one wants to listen to me drone on and on about him for days.

I am just in a really good mood, even if my birthday present will be a bit after my birthday, it will still be the best birthday present I will ever have gotten from any boyfriend, current and past.

To be honest, it will most likely be the first gift I have gotten from a boyfriend, past and current. I am absolutely excited about it. I already have the perfect outfit to wear.]]]

[right [size10 [+hotpink ~ Ecstasy ~]]]

[center [pic http://media.tumblr.com/6d88dc6b72cb14a2fe1ac341eee774c9/tumblr_inline_na3o4vKPdp1ssvy8m.gif]]

[center [size10 [+orchid Life has been taking some twists and turns throughout these past few days. Do I regret how things have been going? Yeah, I do. But I cannot change the past no matter how much I truly want to. I'm not a timelord though.

What else can I say now? I'm scared but happy. We've been together five months now and I am happy about that. Some days are harder than others, but I have to try. Try hard for him. For our love.

I love him more than anything in the world. In a few weeks, he will be here. For my belated birthday gift. I love him more than anything in the world.

A couple months ago he asked me to run away with him. I said no then. I regret it everyday. So much regret. He could have made me so much more happier than I am now. Not so say I am not happy. Cause I am so happy. But I know if I was there with him we would be so much happier. No fighting. Nothing of the sort. I know that.

I regret it everyday more and more. I should have packed my things and left without a goodbye to anyone. I have nothing here now. Everyone has stopped caring about me. He is my everything and I should have given him everything.

We made it though. Five months today. Five months together. Lots of ups and downs. But unconditional love is about putting up with one another and fighting for each other. We love each other. He always comes back. I know he does.

He was almost gone. But he stayed. He stayed and made me so happy. The happiest I have ever been. He may not think it but he is the most amazing boyfriend I have ever had. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him. Out of all the girls in the world that he could have, he chose me. [i Me.] I still can't believe it myself.

We talked this morning and he told me I was being really cute. I was being myself. He started to fanboy over me. It was the most kawaii thing in the world. He told me I sounded like an anime girl the way I was laughing and talking. I was just so happy, I couldn't help but talk that way.

He knows how to compliment me so well and be there for me through everything. He means the world to me and I could never lose him. Please God let him stay in my life for forever and a day. Please.]]]

[right [size10 [+mediumvioletred ~Blushing Beauty~]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/ar3a05m.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Sooo... I got my haircut today. I’m actually super happy with the outcome of it too. I got it trimmed all around and I have swoopy bangs. It’s perfect actually. Eventually, I’m going to end up dying my hair a completely different color than what I normally do.

Normally, I dye my hair with henna hair dye. I do wine red. Only because when I do it, it comes out like Ariel red. Which is exactly what I want. But, next time I’m dying it rainbow. I saw a few different styles of rainbow hair I liked, but I think I’m just going to go full rainbow.

Of course I have to let the henna dye come out first, that’s a must. And I know it will be a big process. I’m prepared for it though. Granted I won’t be doing it till around my birthday. If not then, maybe for Christmas. Depends on my hair really. I just want something to treat myself too. That’s all. A treat for having made it through another year.

I’m already planning on going to see Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them 2: The Crimes Of Grindlewald for my birthday with my friend. So that will be a treat, too. I’m super excited about it too.

This summer is fast approaching. I’m excited for it too. I want to do so much. I want to start walking more and getting back to my school work. I wanna finally finish school and start losing weight. I don’t have much longer for school. Like three more classes really. Not that hard.

Each class is five weeks long. So that’s fifteen weeks. Which isn’t that bad when you think about it. So it won’t be long till I’m done. I’m excited to finally have my degree in school. Then I could probably leave the job I’m at and work somewhere else and get paid more. It’s exciting to think about.

I’m also working on my license as well. I wanna get that within the month. Super nervous about that actually. But I can do it. I’ve been practicing here and there with my dad. It’s really sad that I am 28 years old and can’t drive. But soon I will. I’ve already driven to a couple places with my dad in the car. I’m still alive. Just have to practice parking and more confidence.

I wanna go to the beach this summer, with my daughter and just have fun. I can’t wait to visit Maine again this summer. I’m excited. It was beautiful there. I want to have an awesome summer. My friend is visiting in August. Can’t wait for that.

I’m going to see ‘Love Never Dies’ next weekend with my best friend. It’s a sequel to ‘Phantom Of The Opera’. I’m super excited to see it. In August, we’re going to see ‘The Little Mermaid’ movie, even though it’s nothing like the cartoon. In September we’re going to see ‘Be More Chill’ in New York. I’m extremely excited for that one.

I might go to this theater a few towns away for Rocky Horror Picture Show in October. I’ve never done the live viewing, so I’m excited to try it. I’m trying to see if a few friends will want to go.

I became friends with my ex’s ex. So that’s interesting. She’s nice but I feel like she doesn’t trust me. That’s to be expected cause I was a real witch to her. I’m older and I should have known better. I want her to come to the Rocky Horror Picture Show with me a few friends. I think it would be fun.

That’s all for now, I think.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/rv2x7Ze.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink I suppose this end is bittersweet. Maybe. I'm not sure how to truly look at it really. On one hand, I'm feeling okay. No real anger is boiling inside me. Just some hurt and a bit upset is inside of me.

I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure how to feel. Indifferent is a good way to put it. I was happy about last night. But then this afternoon it all went down. Like I said, I understand what you're saying.

Just because I understand doesn't mean I agree with what you say. Relationships are supposed to be about growing together. That's the best part. Starting at the bottom together and working our way to the top. Seeing our bad sides and working through them.

Been watching Hallmark movies so much lately. I'm becoming a softy. I'm not sure how to feel about being soft. I want to be soft, but I also want to be a bit tough. I don't want to let my guard down sometimes. Getting hurt is not fun.

Hurt is how I'm feeling though. I let my guard down. I guess I always do with you. You're my weakness and I got hurt. I knew I would get hurt in the end, but I guess I trusted your words. And I know why I got hurt and I'm not mad at you. I'm just hurt because, well, you can't help who you fall in love with. I'm not upset that I let you in either. On the contrary, I'm quite alright with letting you in over and over.

Maybe that's toxic or maybe not. But I'm okay with that because I don't find you toxic. You make me want to be a better person. Which is what you're supposed to do in a relationship. I don't make you want to be a better person, or maybe I do, you've never told me.

One day maybe. Who knows what the future holds. I know, even though you say not to wait because the future is unclear, but I'm probably going to wait. Be foolish and wait.

On another note, hopefully buying tickets to see [i Be More Chill] soon. Going in September with my friend and I'm super excited about it. Like super excited.

I want to go to an upper part of the state in October just to see Rocky Horror Picture Show Experience. I've always wanted to. So I am putting it on my bucket list of things to do.

Hopefully starting my classes back up soon. Just have to talk to my advisors. Can't wait to have my degree finally.

I have to start doing things better for myself. I just need to. Like getting my license. Losing weight again. The things I really want to do. Nothing toxic. Only positivity. That's my goal for the summer.

I think that is all on my mind right now.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/UogEqXK.jpg]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink August 20th to August 26th.
Those days will live with me forever.
Seriously though.
I can’t begin to explain how I feel right now.
Elated, that’s a good word to use.
Excited for the future.
I could even say that.
Above it all I feel pure happiness.

I’m really bad at keeping things in lately.
When I feel something I just go for it.
I suppose that is the Disney Princess in me escaping.
I probably sound crazy with all of this.
No pure explanation.

So August 20th of 2018, let’s start there.
I went to the airport, nervous as heck, to pick up this really cute guy I know.
I think it went well.
I picked him up and brought him to my house to stay for the week.


We spent a wonderful week together.
I’m hoping to spend more days together as well.
I am in love with Christopher.
I’m not afraid to say that.
I put four long years into him and I’m not giving up.

I guess that sounds crazy.
To be in love with a guy who has denied me for so long.
I guess you can’t help who you love.
He can deny me all he wants.
If he wants.
We shall see.

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/SKDg0cd.jpg]]

But I miss him now.
He left August 26th, 2018.
Seven long days we spent together.
Seven days of emotions.
Seven days of love and passion.
Seven days I would not change for the world.

He held me in his arms.
Made me feel safe.
Loved.
Cared for.
I owe him so much.
It was perfect.
Amazingly perfect.

Yes, I did cry.
Lots of tears were shed.
Because I have insecurities.
A lot of them.
But he made me feel like it was okay to feel how I felt.
That I had every right to feel how I felt.

He was amazing.
That’s all I can say.

Any time I cried, he wiped my tears away.
Any time I smiled and laughed it was because of him.
He made my heart flutter.
Pure happiness was felt.
Still felt now.

I’m just head over heels.
Of course we have our issues, but who doesn’t.
I’ll take him no matter what.
I know he’s broken, but I love him and want to support him.
Through everything.

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/VM74n7r.jpg]]

Did I mention he’s a great dad to my daughter?
Yes, I have a daughter.
And she isn’t his.
But he treats her like she is his.
He gives her so much love.

I am so lucky to have found him.
My daughter and I are so lucky to have found him.
To have him in our lives is a blessing.

God works in mysterious ways.
God has been watching out for me.
I just know that we are meant to be.

So I am in a good place in my life.
Mentally and emotionally.
Which rarely happens for me.

But to the point, I love Christopher.
So much.
I guess we’re not officially together but I wanna be.
I’d do anything for him.
He’s perfect in my eyes.
Just an amazing person.

I don’t deserve him in my life really.
I really don’t.
But there he is.
Supporting me.
Understanding me.
Putting me on this pedestal that I don’t belong on.

He loves me for me.
And all my flaws and craziness.
He just loves me.
No expectations other than to love him back.
He’s my best friend and I love him so much.
I can’t help my feelings.

I wish I could convey my feelings better than this, but my computer is out of commission for awhile.
So mobile is the only way I can go about this.
Hopefully this wasn’t too bad X3]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/aF8b3Wj.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink You ever just love someone so much?
That you literally can’t get them off your mind?
That you can’t eat, can’t sleep, feeling over the moon kind of love?

I guess that’s how I’m feeling lately.
I love someone so much.
I’m not sure what the future holds for us.
But I’m not gonna give up.

You told me to hold your hand.
So I’m gonna hold your hands.

You told me to trust you.
So I’m gonna trust you.

I’m giving my all to you.
Like you are for me.

I’m in love with you, you big lug.
I hope you know that.
I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together.

You’re really something else.
Ya know?
In a good way silly.

Like when I talk to you, it’s like time stands still.
I feel like I’m on a cloud.
Cause you make Heaven our place on Earth.

You’re amazing!
Always so understanding.
Always there for me.
Putting me before anything.

I am so lucky to have you.
God gave me you for the ups and downs.
God gave me you for the days of doubt.
For when I think I've lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it's true.
God gave me you.

I’m blessed.
Truly blessed.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/gyF0d6l.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Stop being so silly.
Seriously.

I’m not in this for money.
You don’t need to pay me back for anything.
My money was not wasted at all.
It was put to good use.

I’m not in this for money.
Or even some sort of prize.

Let’s be honest here.
The real prize is you.

No I didn’t have to play a game with you.
That’s not what I mean.
I mean that you’re one in a billion.
And I’m so freaking lucky to have you in my life.
Not just as my best friend, but as my lover.
My other half.

I’m in a state of bliss.
As of late.
I feel like I was worrying over nothing before.
I will probably always worry.
But not as much as I have been.

I was worrying so much before, that I was having mini panic attacks.
That’s not good for anyone.
I know you worry.
And I appreciate it.

But no need to worry anymore.
I’m literally feeling so much better now.
Having taken some time to truly think about a lot of things.
And lots of reassurance from you.
I’m feeling 75% better.

Not 100%, but pretty close.
And that counts.
I still have my moments.
But I’m going to be more trusting.

Of course, I want to be with you forever.
I’m in this for the long haul.
I’m not looking back or giving up.
As you are doing the same for me,

I’m sorry if I pushed you.
I didn’t mean to.
I love you so much.

I feel like the luckiest girl right now.
So very lucky to have a guy who cares and loves me.
Not only me really.
But even my daughter.

You’re truly amazing and I couldn’t ask for better.
I mean everything I say.
I promise you that.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/1cWPMKF.gif]]

[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/1kzEakf.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink I haven’t written here in a long while. Hmmm... where do I even start?

I’ve made some rash decisions in life thus far, but I’m trying to make better ones lately.

I broke up with my boyfriend in October. I met a new guy that I thought I liked. Turns out he was a jerk, at least to me he was. Or maybe, I was too much for him. I won’t lie, I’ve got a lot of trust issues, so I can get a bit jealous sometimes, but I tried to keep that in check cause he was a bit weary at first of even dating. First wanting to be open and then changing his mind and then changing his mind once again. He put a lot of trust into a 14 year old girl, not me, but another friend of ours. It’s weird to say that though. He’s much older and yet he treated her like she was older. It was strange. I bit my tongue a lot.

Moving on. I lost a friend recently. I chose to get rid of her out of my life. She called me a not so nice name via Facebook and proceeded to spread lies about me to my own sister and to people I was friends with. Said I used her for rides and would get mad if her car wasn’t working. I never used her for rides. I always offered her a ride over my place any time her car wasn’t working. I always gave her gas money, even when I never got a ride. I always bought her food whenever she didn’t have money too.

It all started over a boy. She had to be sneaky about a boy she liked. Cause I liked him. She has a boyfriend and she was flirting with another guy. She refused to give me his number when he said I could have it. She hung out with him all the time. She admitted months later that she liked him. When she knew from the beginning I liked him. And she told me right from the beginning that he wasn’t her type. Then, she got him to block me on Facebook. Told him that she blocked me. She didn’t block me at all. I blocked her very recently. I admit, I went about my feelings the wrong way and should have went to her first, but my sister, MY SISTER, shouldn’t have done what she did. She’s my sister but I guess blood isn’t thicker in this case.

Found out my sister was doing drugs in the house. That’s wonderful, right? She says she’s not addicted. But she does it every day. So that makes sense. Makes me worry for my niece.

Currently, I’m still in love with my ex and unsure what to do. I wanna be my own person. But I wanna be with him. I wanna make him happy by being myself. But myself is either not enough or too much. Literally no in between. And I feel like that makes me a bad person. I love talking to him and I can tell him anything, but I also can’t tell him my feelings all the time. It’s like I get sad cause of something and I can’t tell him because he gets defensive and it scares me a bit. I love him though, very much. I want to be at that level that I can tell him anything. That I can even protect him.

Recently watched The Rising of the Shield Hero. I highly recommend it. I’m hoping for a second season. Loving Raphtalia. Working on a cosplay of her. I have a lot of cosplans planned out. Just gotta slowly put them together. Gotta get a new laptop, that’s number one on my list.

Let’s see. Found out that I have to go to physical therapy twice a week soon. That’s not gonna be fun at all. It’s for my back. I fell a few weeks ago down the stairs and lately it’s been bad. I think it stems even more from when I over exerted myself a couple months ago exercising and hurt my back then. But that’s just me.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/PnJGqY6.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Some days I don't seem to know up from down or down from up. Even left and right get mixed up.

That's how my days seem these days. I'm in a funk. But... I got a laptop and my creative juices have been flowing and I really want to role play more. I want to chat with more people and make new friends more. I want to do more cosplays.

Currently debating on which one to do next. Currently, I've done female Sonic, female Deku, Ariel (in many forms), Amy Pond, Juvia Lockser and three different original characters. I think I have done some other ones as well, but I cannot remember all of them. They're mainly on my TikTok page. But I also cosplay Ariel quite frequently with my cosplay group.

I did one event so far with my cosplay group and it was less than successful. Only because there were very few children there.I'm hoping the next event will be better. Currently, I go as Ariel to them, since that is the cosplay I have the full costume for. I do Ariel when she is human with no voice, but I can talk as her, as long as I stay true to her character when talking to children.

I love cosplaying and doing makeup. Experimenting is so much fun. I have a vampire/angel original character named Fallyn Angel. She has three forms to her. Her mother was a vampire and her father was an angel. In angel form she has blue eyes, curly read hair, no fangs and wears all white clothing. She sparkles even. In her normal form, she has straight hair, purple eyes, small fangs and wears whatever she feels like. In her vampire form, she has straight hair, red eyes, all black clothes and her fangs are much longer. Her personality even changes with each form too. As an angel, she is wise and fair. As her normal self, she is shy and timid, since most of her life she has been looked at as a freak. As a vampire, she's seductive and cruel.

My second original character is a werewolf named Ren. I don't have a backstory for her yet. But she has curly hair and pointed ears, fangs too. She wears a tank top and glasses. It's a specific tank top I have for her character. She's on the sarcastic side and I love her personality.

My third original character is Derya, she a fae and I love her. She has blue hair, blue eyes, wears a white dress, has white wings, wears a blue flower crown. She's sweet and kind and very new to the human world. But she tries to protect everyone to the best of her ability.

I do have a Hufflepuff original character, but she doesn't have a name yet. But she has straight hair, glasses and wears a yellow plaid dress with a Hufflepuff pin on it. She's on the shy side, but has a lot of Slytherin friends.

I want to do an Evie cosplay from Descendants 3. I loved her outfit and I just love Evie so freaking much. I identify with her all too much. I tend to identify with the blue haired women, I've noticed. Evie and Juvia for examples.

What else has been going on? Hmmm... I'm still in love with my ex. I wanna be with him, I really do. But it always seems like he's looking for something to fight about. I'm not sure what is going on with him these days though. I am literally expressing my feelings towards him, I'm not implying or inferring that that is his intention whatsoever, but just telling him my all around feelings towards what happened. And that seems to start a fight.

It used to be that I scared him. Now a days, I'm scared to tell him how I feel in fear of starting a fight. I love him dearly, do not mistake that fact at all, but I'm not trying to argue with him at all. I'm expressing my feelings. Before we had miscommunication all the time because I didn't speak up about my feelings. And now I do and it seems to cause more of a mess that I did not want. Just a peaceful conversation about feelings is all I was looking for. Just give me some reassurance that it's not what you are trying to do and that's that. Hug me, kiss me, tell me I'm being silly. Acknowledge that my feelings are valid because of the abuse I went through in my life and tell me that I have nothing to fear with you.

I admit that I have issues in relationships. I'm not perfect and I do not claim to be. I have jealousy issues and self esteem issues. Most guys I have dated or been with intimately end up telling me beautiful lies. They say one thing and then I see another thing. It's not nice to be the girl no one wants to be with. It messes with your mind a little. It messes with how you look at yourself.

Not only that, I got bullied growing up. I still get bullied. Not only by my peers occasionally, but also by my own mother. That's not kind at all. I do not bully my daughter. I tell her she is beautiful no matter what. My mother, from a young age used to call me fat and tell me that I needed to lose weight. I was just a child then. She still berates me to this day. No only on my outer appearance, but my ability as a mother and on my job.

I have a job, it may not pay a lot, but it is a job. When I finish school it will pay more. I just have to finish school. I may not live on my own yet, but that is because I am being a mother and trying my hardest for my daughter.

I go through a lot of things that people never see. Because I literally hide it all. I hide small stuff. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm not okay. I cry sometimes. And you know what, it's okay to not be okay. At least I am aware of that and I am trying to help myself.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/TwRO9AA.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they do exactly what you expect.

I thought this girl was my friend, but it turns out, nope. Extremely nope. I have the opportunity to talk to her and I'm not sure I want to. Literally found out that she has already hooked up with and been in a relationship with the guy she knew I had a crush on. And she hasn't even been single very long. Soooo... you're a crappy friend and you weren't really in love.

Yeah, yeah. I know, people heal at different rates. But when you're in love, it should really be like a long time. At most 3 months. And she hasn't even been single a month. Maybe it's been a month now, but not when she dated the guy. She had been with her ex for four years and they were engaged. Going to get married and she just moves on like he's nothing to her. That just makes me sick. I say 3 months to wait is a good time to wait after a guy breaks up with you. Especially if you were in love with them. If you break up with the person, it's a totally different story.

I'm really debating on not being her friend anymore and not having that talk. I doubt it will happen either. She's not a talker. I've tried in the past to talk to her and she's brushed it off and lied about me. I don't really think that is someone I should be friends with. Even lied [i after] we made up as well.

My crush/ex surprised me by doing something sweet. At least sweet to me. He knows what he did and that's that. It just surprised me because I wasn't expecting it and it gave me a smile that he did it with me in mind.

Yea, he's my ex, but I still have feelings for him. I can't help it really. I just can't picture my life without him in it to be honest. He's my best friend. I tell him everything really. And he tells me quite a bit. Can't say I'm his best friend, but I know we are close. I'd like to be closer to him, but only when he is ready. Yes, I know I am pushy, but I can wait. Great things are worth waiting for.

Which reminds me of another quote I like "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return,". I'm not sure why it is resonating with me these days but it's been helpful I suppose. I'm learning to love the proper way. To communicate, without arguing, which was and still is a bit of a work in progress for me. So hopefully things will get better.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/ft9NuoV.gif]]

[center [size10 [+aqua Everything is changing and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

There's this guy that I absolutely love but we barely talk. If you don't want to make time for me, then that's fine. I don't need to waste my time waiting for you to come to me. It's been two weeks. And you texted me, maybe, a few times.

I know you're going through some stuff, but you can make time for people. If you really wanted to. Sorry if you hate me for saying that. But when you want to spend time with someone, you make time for them. Obviously, you don't want to spend time with me.

That's fine. It's really fine. I love you and I probably always will. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I made time for you, even when I didn't have to or I had other things to do. I found time in my schedule for you.

But it's okay. I'm going to be okay, I think. I hope you will be okay though. I really do.

A friend of mine passed away. He suffered from depression and was not in the right state of mind. He constantly told me how depressed he was. Every time we talked, I convinced him to stay alive. I wish I had been there for him during his time of need.

He was into some heavy drugs, as well. Apparently, he had been drinking and doing some drugs the night it happened. It makes me dislike Florida even more. That's where he was living. He was being aggressive with some cops and then they shot him. But he wanted to die that badly cause he kept egging them on to do it and they fought hard not to use guns. But it ended up being inevitable. It just makes me sad knowing that he was that depressed.

In a happier note, I guess I met someone new. Not sure where it is going to go, but we've been vibing anytime we are together. We text a lot and he's a really good guy.

I feel guilty for liking someone new. I still love my ex, but this new guy makes time for me. He's super understanding and nonjudgmental. I told him I had a daughter and he was perfectly fine with it. Said that he wanted to see if there was something there before getting involved in her life.

But I still feel guilty for being happy. I shouldn't though. But I can trust his words more than I can trust my ex. So that means something. It should mean something anyway. But he's super nice and we may not have a lot in common, but we do have some things. We match in our musical tastes and some nerdy things. But we're both open to watching what the other likes.

It's weird doing this all over again.

I always wanted a Doctor Who life reference and I finally got it. At first, I was crushing on this really cute guy at the bar and I wanted to get to know him. So I decided to get to know his friends to see if I could find a way in to getting to know him. And I wasn't even attracted to his friend at first, just thought he was cool.

Then, I got to know his friend and his personality just sort of became him and I started to crush on him instead. And I wanted to know more about him. I'm learning a lot about him and I'm liking everything so far. Everything may not be peaches and cream with him, but that gives him depth and character.

Basically, he is the Rory to my Amy. It happened by accident and I can't help but like that. His friends are super nice and we definitely get along. So I'm for that.

But I still feel guilty. I shouldn't though. But I do.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/SmNQdhx.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 30 years old. Not sure how I feel about it though. Indifferent, maybe. Hard to tell. I’m not happy or sad. I’m just older. Another year around the sun I guess. I am happy for the celebration though.

It started Thursday night this week. I had decided that I was going to do a whole birthday weekend. I’ve never done that before. And 30 is a milestone. So I went with my friends to see Frozen 2.

It was AMAZING! Purely amazing. I loved it. I hope there’s a third. We saw Frozen 2 then went to karaoke. We’ve been going every Thursday for about 2 months now. It’s really fun and I’ve made some amazing friends there. They’re so nice and sweet. I love them.

Friday I got my nails done and then at night we went to Hawkwood Game Cafe. I got a really nice mermaid design on my nails. I’m in love. I just can’t. Hawkwood was fun. My brother paid for it. So I liked that part.

Saturday, my actual birthday, my brother treated me to breakfast. Then at night I went to the casino with my friends. I even played the slots for the first time. I won some cash. I couldn’t believe it. I cashed out after that small win. I had this pretty Ariel cake. I was excited for it.

Now, it’s Sunday. I’m headed to dinner and an escape room with one of my friends. I’m excited for this.

On Friday we went to a bar after the cafe, I got to see the guy I’ve been talking to and been on a few dates with. Nothing official there. We were there for a couple hours. So I started my birthday there with him. It was really nice.

I do like him. He’s different than my normal guy. So it’s strange to me. It’s nice having someone there physically. But I’m also learning about myself along the way. I’m trying to become a better me.

He’s super understanding though, so I really like that. Sometimes I text him too much and I think I’m annoying him. I’ve actually talked to him about it though and he’s told me that he would tell me if I was. So that’s reassuring. I try remembering that every time I start feeling like that.

I’m a bit broken though. And he’s okay with that. He’s broken too and that’s okay. We can help each other.

I’m in like, so that’s a start.

I’m happy with my birthday celebration. I love my friends so much for making it special.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/gtqQDbT.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Thanksgiving wasn't terrible, so that's a thing. My mom cooked dinner. Only her cousin came to dinner, so that was good. We said what we were thankful for and my mom was distracted when I said mine. Thank goodness. She always has a comment about anything I do.

I'm starting to get sick, it's greaaaat. No, not really. My nose is stuffed up and I'm coughing bad.It's hard to sleep at night because of the coughing and stuffy nose. Hard to breathe I guess. But, I'm trying to muddle through.

I've decided to try to get back into my exercise routine. Hoping to start Monday. That way I can have a fresh start to the week. I know everyone will be mad at me for over doing my exercises, but it really makes me feel like I'm doing something when I do it like that. Every day and rest on Sunday.

Things are going alright with the guy I am talking to. Still having those moments of doubt. I know I have a lot of self care to work on. But that is for me to work on, not anyone else. My jealousy isn't an issue per say, cause it's not jealousy. It's more of a worry that I am not enough. I don't think I have ever been for anyone really.

Many of my exes have cheated on me. I've always wondered what I did wrong. I know in one of my last relationships, I wasn't the best girlfriend, so I know what went wrong there, at least towards the middle. The beginning, I have no idea and the end, I have no idea. One day maybe I'll understand.

I do think about my ex, constantly. That's bad, I think. I should move on. He's moved on. I know it seems like I've moved on, but it's really difficult when I thought I had a future with them. When I made them my world. When I really had strong feelings for them. When I was attached. I know he'd never believe me. We fought quite a bit. At the end, I think I cried more than I actually argued. But I'd still trade any of those moments for what I have now with him, which is silence.

It only makes sense. He's moved on. I probably sound crazy. I'm done ranting now. Sorry.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/8JXvbVx.gif]]

[center [size10 [+red I am in such a good mood. I got to talk to you and wish you a happy birthday today. Gosh how I've missed your voice so much. I'm even more in love than I was before. Curses.

I am glad that you are doing okay, I'm just sad that it is without me. But I will marry you one day. I just know I will. I have faith in that wish.

I want you to have a wonderful birthday though. I can't believe it has been so long since we first started talking. It seems so long ago. I remember I thought you were gay when I first got to know you. Boy was I wrong. We laugh about it now.

No matter what is going on in our lives, I will always make time for you on your birthday. Always. That's a promise. I have done so for the past 6 years. It feels so weird to say that. 6 years.

It seems like such a small amount of time, and yet it's been such a long time. I wouldn't change a thing about you over these years. I mean that. You've become the person I can tell anything to, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Aside from a happy birthday, I want to wish you and everyone on ES a Merry Christmas. One of my favorite holidays of the year. Let's be honest, I love all the holidays. I hope everyone has a safe and happy one this year.

I still have yet to tell you the dream I had. Not sure if I even will tell you. But I can say it was a sweet dream and I'm hoping it will kind of come true. But that is all I am saying about that.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/XwH78DE.gif]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/FCjeg8o.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Life has been busy.... At least it seems that way anyway. Been working and going out on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Meeting new people. Trying to put myself out there. At least I'm trying right? I mean everyone can use new friends.

Been working on doing different things with my makeup. Doing this anime blush thing and everyone seems to like it. For Valentine's Day, I added little white specks in the blush, like white freckles and I went out in public like that. I got like sooooo many compliments. I felt really good about myself actually. Cause it came from strangers. I was happy.

Thursday and Saturday is karaoke nights. And I absolutely love singing. I go on Thursday with my "friend" Shannon. I put that in quotes because... well... ugh! If you know then you know. She's like a really terrible friend. Like horrible. So now... I'm just using her for rides to karaoke on Thursday.

Friday and Saturday I spend with my cousin, Marissa. It's really nice to have family around. Like really nice. I feel safe with her, even if she does get super drunk. And I can trust her with guys too. Can't trust Shannon at all.

It's not like I have a boyfriend, so boys don't owe me anything. Buuuut, every guy I try to talk to, my friend Shannon [i has] to get their number. It's frustrating because then they stop talking to me and just talk to her. She flirts with every guy I try to get to know. I would just like one guy to myself. That's why I trust my cousin. She's married and has a type. Not a happy marriage, but at least when she flirts or tries to flirt with a guy, it's not one I say is cute. And she's not trying to get his number.

Lately, I've been feeling down about myself. I guess depression is a killer, huh. I just want it to go away. I need to start fixing my life. I told myself this would be my year and it really will be. I just gotta get back on track. I've been procrastinating everything. Time to really start doing what I said I was going to do.

I've been talking to my ex every so often and it's nice to talk. Sometimes it's awkward cause I have no idea what to talk about, but like he can be a good friend. I'm trying anyway... I think.

Let's be real. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I've trying to get in his pants. Heck yeah, it's working for me. Cause every time we talk, bam, he's there. Maybe we just have that sort of connection or something that we just know how to help each other. Plus, I'm wickedly attracted to him and I know for facts he's wickedly attracted to me. Sooooo.... yeah. God, he's hot and I love looking at him.

Don't get me wrong, there's only a few guys in my life that I would ever do anything sexual with. Facts. He's one of them, obviously, even if it's via the phone cause he ives in Kentucky, but whatevs.

Recently, I found out that I am demisexual. I had no idea what that was at first. I heard it about this guy that I thought was cute and asked my other friend about. She explained it to me and I was like oh cool. I didn't think anything of it for myself. (cause in the past I have been known to have hookups, but I fall for them... ugh). Then a few weeks later, I am at a party, my cousin is like, you need to get laid, so I'm like okay. This dude, who is hecka cute, flirts with me, I barely know him, but he's cute and he asks me if I wanna hookup, I say no, a lot. But he is like persistent and he tries really hard. Even tries kissing me. But I just can't. My body just doesn't trust it because I'm not feeling a connection. Sooooo... I ask my friend if she knows what is going on with me and she's like "Giiiirl... you're demisexual" and I'm like.... "WHAT?!" Soooo I learned something new about myself. Interesting.

I did a cosplay even in the beginning of this month. I was dressed as Batgirl. I got a lot of compliments. I had to make my hoodie and that was difficult. Well, I bout the hoodie and then I had to paint the symbol on it and create the ears. I had my dad's help, but the ears are messed up. Sooooo... yeah.

That's my life so far. Got a cosplay event coming up at the mall at the end of the month. I'm hoping it goes well. Here's to that and the rest of the new year. It's only February right? Ugh!!]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/bn6yARH.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink I so thought you were going to be mad. But you weren't. We just chuckled and giggled with each other and then continued to do the things we probably still shouldn't be. But I say to heck with it. Keep coming baby *wink wink*.

My Kentucky puppy. How can I even start with you boy. I'll probably always call you my puppy. You're just too adorable to not. Yes, I'm still in love with you silly. Isn't it obvious?

Been on a Demi Lovato kick. She just speaks to my soul. Been singing her songs at karaoke too. I get told that those are definitely my songs. I sang one last week, [i Stone Cold] by Demi Lovato, and I just was tearing up at karaoke. I was hit with feelings of depression that night. A lot going on in my head these days I guess. But it all came crashing when I thought this girl was my friend and apparently I said the wrong thing and made her upset. But she didn't tell me. So I feel awkward now.

Other than that moment, my weekend has been so crazy and I'm okay with that. Got some more stuff I ordered in the mail. I got this cute skirt thingy and some cute makeup stamps. I'm honestly excited right now. More cosplays to do.

I gotta get back to doing my exercises. Like for real though. Cause I just feel so ugh with myself lately for stopping again. I need to be more motivated. I need to work on getting my license too. And then life will be better, I think anyway. I gotta take those classes again, since I can't find the paper from before and I think that the place I originally went to is closed now. Ugh! But I got this. I'm an adult. This is my year.

Just gonna leave this song here. Dedicated to my Kentucky puppy. He knows who he is.]]

[yt https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QT3zCFJGx2c]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/hBJkhmq.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink I mean I still think you’re gonna get mad, but whatever. I guess we’re both single so it doesn’t matter. I mean I’m more single than you are, but I don’t actually care. You’re my Kentucky puppy. Deal with it boo.

You think I’m gonna get hurt, but I’m trying win your heart baby. I’m trying to win you back. Trust me, I won’t give up. And if I do, I’m not letting go of you again baby boy. ]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/dQ4fE31.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink A lot of things have changed since I last wrote in my journal. I go out more with my friends. Except quarantine has got that all messed up now. Everything is closed so I can't go to karaoke anymore. I can't really go to any bars, not that I drink, but still.

I've made new friends and I'm really trying to get back into doing things I loved. Unfortunately, my job is closed during this. But, thankfully, I am still getting paid. As we are a state funded building, we still get paid by the state. We open up next month. I've still had to make lesson plans during this though.

I'm going to start writing again. That's what I think anyway. Or at least it is what I want to start doing. I want to get my first book out there. I have one written, but I feel like it needs editing and definitely more to it, in my opinion. I'm really my own worst critic as it is. But, I've talked to a publisher and they sound legit, even sent me a package explaining everything. Though, I still don't understand how it all works. So I'm gonna finish my first book and call them back I think. So I can get my foot in the door. That's the plan.

I was supposed to have my license right now. My goal was to have it by the end of April. Unfortunately, everything got closed in mid March, after I had made the appointments for everything. Just my luck.

My sister and I have been spending more time together, which is nice. We've been watching movies and shows together. It's fun to do that with one another. The girls, my daughter and niece, have been doing school from home. That distance learning. For the rest of the school ear, as the schools are not opening up until September they say. That's okay, the girls are fine. And I make sure my daughter is doing her work.

I've been making TikToks, haha. It's a fun pass time, I think. I created a Hufflepuff OC for my friends. So far she is lovable. I named her Amy Rose. No idea why, but I love the name. And I put her on TikTok already.

I went to my first drive in movie theater with my friend. That was an interesting experience. His braces were messing with the radio we had. That was hilarious. He was actually super embarrassed after that. I felt bad for laughing. But we had a good time. We watched Trolls World Tour and The Invisible Man. I had already seen Trolls World Tour, but I wasn't sure I wanted to see The Invisible Man. It just didn't seem like my kind of movie. It only made me jump twice. So I am proud of myself.

I killed a spider the other day. I know a lot of people will probably get on me for killing a spider. But I have arachnophobia. Sorry, not sorry. But actually sorry. I don't like killing them and they scare me a ton.

I'm still a single pringle over here. Not sure I'm looking, but I'm at the very least open to meeting new people. I'm just trying to live my life to the fullest these days really. Taking things one day at a time. That's really all for now! I'm friendly. Message me anytime!]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/eyoLb9c.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Hmmm... Where to start? It's been a few days since I've written in here last. I guess I just want to write because there's just stuff on my mind and I need a place to vent.

I go back to work next month, June 1st, to be exact. I'm a bit worried and nervous with everything going on. I have a daughter to think about and I'm not sure how I feel. I wanna go back but this pandemic has me worried.

I went on a couple dates with this guy here and I'm scared he's just using me in some way. My friends all think he likes me and I guess they're right, but eh. Actions speak louder than words to me. He's not even said he likes me that much. We've not even kissed. But it seems like he wants to take things super slow and I'm not mad, just confused I guess.

A few months ago, he told me he wasn't looking for anything and then he up and asks me out on a date a month ago. So I'm confused and I'm only half way in this. I'm weary about his intentions, even though he hasn't made any effort to get in my pants.

Two dates and the farthest we have gone is cuddling and back rubbing. Not even kissing yet. He's definitely my type, but there's just something about him that makes me hesitant to like him. Maybe it's just the jumping from just friends to something more. Or maybe it's that he says one thing but does another. It's confusing.

I joined a Discord server for Final Fantasy 7 and everyone on there is so supportive of everyone. And they're super nice too. So I am happy to be making friends on there.

I've started organizing my room a bit. It's a process. I need more totes for my cosplay stuff. I found my red wig while cleaning and I'm extremely happy about that. It means I can change my hair color if I want and still be Ariel with that wig.

I cut one guy off romantically. Gosh, was he confusing as heck. I had to cut him off. Every time we talked, I got more confused by him. We had a conversation and he just wants to be friends. That's cool. Stop giving me mixed signals. Thank you, have a good day sir.

I feel like starting writing again, I'm just at a writer's block. It really sucks. Lemme tell you. Journaling is different than writing fiction. Journal writing is just venting and that's easy. Writing my book takes thought and planning.

I've got a bonfire this weekend. With one of my best friends. So that should be fun. I really love this girl too. She's awesome. We talk everyday and we've become very close within the last few months. So I'm happy to have a friend I can count on now. I miss my other friends though.

I get paid this week and I'm definitely buying some more make up I found and am dying to have. I saw it and fell in love with it all. So that will definitely be a thing.

Started a new cosplay. Hogwarts student, Hufflepuff house. I'm very proud of her and I'm hoping I can collab with my friend from TikTok. She's pretty awesome and cosplays really well, I think anyway.

Things are opening up so hopefully I can get my license soon. That would be great. If things didn't close, I would have that by now. But no, Covid-19 happened. And I think I either had it or just the flu for two weeks. I'm quite unsure.

Summer is coming up and I can't wait. I keep telling myself that I'm going to start exercising, but I get discouraged when people are watching me. So I stop doing it. But I really want to get back into that routine. My friend wants to lose weight also, so maybe we can together, that would be good for me. I'm hoping.

That's really it for now. Nothing too big I guess. Oh well.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/Kx6AHn0.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink Wow! A lot has changed in the last month, I have noticed. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not though. Maybe a good thing.

I'm moving on from you, I want you to know that. I still love and care about you and want you to be happy, but I'm moving on. Not sure if I could ever be friends with you though, as I still hold feelings for you and that just wouldn't be fair to either of us. It wouldn't even be fair to my boyfriend either.

Yes, that's right. I found myself a boyfriend. I'm happy with him. I'm not in love with him yet, but it'll come, I know that. It takes time. Plus, I'm not trying to rush anything with him. It feels nice to be in a relationship though.

I'm happy in my relationship too. He treats me really well and I'm shocked at how much he likes me. It just baffles me because I've never been treated with such kindness before.

It's strange to look back a few months ago when my boyfriend wasn't even looking for a relationship and just wanted friends. I was fine with that. But I guess the more we talked, the more likely he thought a relationship could work. I guess so though.

He's super sweet and super nerdy. We get a long in a lot of aspects, but differ as well. He's into sports and I'm not fond of sports. I'm pretty girly when it comes to that. I love anime and he's only really watched Avatar: The Last Airbender. But we listen to most of the same music and he's willing to listen to my music. He's willing to watch movies and shows I like as well. Vice versa, I'd do that for him.

I guess it's fun doing firsts together. He took me to my first drive in movie. That was an awkward date. We sat in his car watching these movies and barely said anything. I was nervous and so was he.

He's a Sagittarius just like me. We're very night and day, I've noticed. Even though we are the same zodiac sign. We're opposite, but I like the mystery factor.

I started editing my book. Got chapter one edited a few times now. I was having trouble figuring out my angle, but I finally figured it out. I just had to start writing it to figure it out.

Karaoke is back and I'm so excited actually. I got so excited that I ended up signing up for a video audition call for The Voice. I'm super nervous, but all my friends said to do it. So I'm going to do it.

I hope things stay in a positive light. If I keep thinking positively, positive things will happen. At least, that's what keeps happening though. I never expected life to end up this way. I'm in a good place and happy about that.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/zxmiSE7.gif]]

[center [size10 [+hotpink I still hold our memories dear to me. It was a good learning experience for us both. We weren't the best to one another and that probably speaks loads about us as a couple. I'm not mad at you for anything, I need you to know that.

Of course I am sad at how things ended for us. Not amicably, like I would have wanted. But, I guess that chapter for us had to end eventually. We weren't right for each other, and I know that now. At least, I think I know that now.

But I still do have feelings for you. So I hope you understand that. Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. We were such big parts of each other's lives, it would e ashamed if we really never spoke again. But not now, obviously.

Things are going really well with my boyfriend and I. Coming up on a whole month of officially being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm learning new things about him. He's slowly opening up.

He got me flowers just because. Who does things like that? Why do I deserve things like that? Why do I deserve him at all? I'm not a materialistic person in no means. I'm a giver, not a taker, so it's so strange to me.

He also bought me cool makeup from his side company. He knows I like makeup, or at least pays attention to the fact I like makeup. I wear it a lot around him. I've only been without makeup on two occasions around him. But, he hasn't complained.

He told me a deep secret of his, or well two, I don't count one of them because I feel it's literally a guy thing, in my mind anyway. But he did tell me one big one. I held his hand as he told me and we talked about it.

I had a slight panic attack while I was at his place. Yes, I have panic attacks. He didn't know I was having one, because I hid it from him. I told him in the morning because I had ended up crying myself to sleep.

Here's the thing. I suffer from depression and anxiety. But, I also have PTSD from past relationships. You can ask at least one ex, as he experienced it first hand. But, I guess, I have even more from that relationship.

I never felt good enough in that one. Maybe I was the rebound and shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. But that's the past and I'm sorry I pushed myself the way I did onto you. That was just the start of the toxicity in our relationship.

I have trouble communicating my wants, needs and just my negative thoughts. I'm working on it though. As to not have more panic attacks or seclusion.

My boyfriend was understanding and held me the whole time I talked to him about my fears. I told him I was broken and he said he didn't mind mending the pieces, no matter how long it would take.

I know I am falling in love with him. I can honestly just tell. But two and a half months unofficially dating and the kindness and understanding he has shown me. It's something I've never seen before. And I thank God every day for that.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/Z0qFepJ.gif]]

[center [size10 [+blue It's almost been a month since I wrote in here. I'm not sure I really care about that. I don't really care about much lately it seems.

I've been making bad decisions, I think lately. I wanna start making better decisions in life. Much better decisions.

Bad decisions include alcohol and trying to sleep with guys. I haven't really drank though. I have a ton of alcohol left, but I haven't touched it.

Sleeping with guys is harder than I really thought it was. Cause I'm ugly. I get it. I'm attempting to work on that too.

Better decisions would be working out every day. At least I have been trying to anyway. I've been doing really well for this past week. Taking a rest day on Sunday. I started last Wednesday.

Drinking more water daily. I've been drinking a lot of water lately. So that's really good. Trying to stay away from the sugary stuff.

Trying to eat healthier and portion better with my food. I love food, anyone who knows me would know that. So it's hard to limit myself, but it's what I have to do.

I'm trying to lose weight, and it's becoming a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be. I decided to try some pills. I'll be starting those on Saturday. I'm hoping with exercise and healthier eating, they will help me.

The worst decision I made is dying my hair blue. I went from red to dark blue. My hair is so damaged now and I even went to a salon. My poor hair. I ordered a hydrating mask to hopefully help my hair become itself again. I'm also going to order some moisture cream and heat protectant for my hair as well. Since I straighten it all the time.

The reason for all of these changes in me, I got broken up with. After a month of dating he broke up with me and I have no idea why. My depression came back and it's awful.

It's that rejected feeling. He said I was a wonderful girlfriend and an amazing woman, but he wasn't falling in love. But it had only been a month. Was he expecting it to be that early on? I wasn't. I was happy with how we were. Just letting things play out. Maybe I was too much or maybe I'm just not enough for him.

I wanna stay his friend. We were friends before we dated and I'm hoping we can be friends again. When I'm ready that is. I'm terrible I know, but I really liked him, a lot. And I thought maybe he could have been the one.

All the signs were there that he liked me. Him breaking up with me was a complete shock. Not only to me but also my friends who had been around us. So it's still shocking me. I still like him and if he changed his mind, I would very much take him back. Part of me is hoping he changes his mind and wants to get back together eventually.

Church was another better decision I am making. I wanna start going to church. I know with Covid things have been hectic and not a lot of things are open open. But my church has a Zoom meeting every week on Sunday so I've been joining in on that.

Bad decision I've made is buying a mermaid tail at the end of next month. I'm hoping in a month I will have lost some weight and can get a smaller tail than the one I am currently looking at.

Another bad idea, not decision, just a thought, is throwing up anything I eat to lose weight faster. Not just to lose weight but because unlike some girls, I cannot binge eat when said. Food makes my stomach cringe when I am upset. So I already want to throw up.

A good decision is that I've been trying to distract myself with writing my first book. Or well editing it. I'm almost done actually and really excited. Once I am done, I get to turn in my manuscript and hope for the best that they want to publish it. So watch out, this girl might be famous one day.

Some good things that have come out of this is that I have finally closed a lot of tabs on my phone. Meaning I am closing the chapters to some books. Not stalking people anymore. I'm done there and moving on.

I've been crying a lot too. Trying to heal. Hoping to heal. Not really sure how I feel. Sometimes I want to shut it off because I feel so much. But I know that will never happen.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/jwHkg53.gif]]

[center [size10 [+blue Things did not get better in the past week like I thought they would. Like seriously, come on.

I saw my recent ex and that went the wrong way fast. It was nice and all, in the beginning, but, boy was it a mistake to see him.

Ugh!! He's such a jerk.

We went to dinner, he paid, for a meal I barely ate.

Then, we took a walk to talk. It was AWFUL!

After, or during, our walk, we sat down and talked.

He asked me if we could still be friends, I said I needed some time for that. He said "I think I can be a better friend than the ones you have." Like, dissing my friends? Really dude.

Then!

THEN!!

We sat down and he told me why he broke up with me. This jerk!

The first part was easily fixable. Like super fixable. He wanted his sleep schedule for the weekend back, which was understandable. And I would have had no problem fixing that.

The final thing... UGH!!

He said he didn't want to date a girl like me that he was looking for a girl who was thin and fit and active. Like "EXCUSE ME?!"

He admitted to liking my personality and not my appearance. But went on to call me adorable. I told him I was ready to go home.

He knew what I looked like prior to dating. We met IN PERSON. You knew me dude. You knew what you were getting into.

Don't play games with me if you didn't want me in the beginning.

So literally been crying for a week now, because I'm weak.

Am I mad? Yeah, obviously. If you're not going to be a part of my struggle, you can't be part of my success.

He says he's a man of God, well guess what?! I am reading the bible currently and Matthew 7:1 says "Judge not, that you be not judged." And this jerk was obviously judging me hard!

Buuuuut...

Would I take him back? Yeah I probably would. If he realized his mistake. Even though everyone has been telling me that I didn't deserve that. That he didn't deserve me. And they're right, but I still really like him.

On a happier note: I have lost 7 pounds since I started my diet and exercise routine. I think those pills I am taking are helping as well. Plus, I have been eating a lot less.

Someone told me about apple cider vinegar pills and I need to check those out asap. Just saying.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/mA1dYiI.gif]]

[center [size10 [+blue There's part of me that wants to be destructive to my body. I know it's terrible, but it's the truth right now.

By terrible, I've been thinking about becoming bulimic. I know that's really bad, health wise, but I'm so disgusted with myself.

Last night, I went out with friends and I ate a little bit. One friend, who was extremely drunk, was trying to compliment me for a good ten minutes. I appreciate it, I do, but it doesn't help my mind set.

My mind is already in one place and probably won't change untill something actually changes.

There were cute boys last night, but the two I wanted to be interested in, my friend was also interested in. As in she kissed them both right in front of me. So obviously there's no chance there.

I would never do that to her, because she's my friend. So there's no pursuing them at all.

She's not the best influence, really not an influence. She's not the best kind of person. My friends don't have to be good influences on me, I'm the good influence.

So she was kissing on this one guy then basically in front of the same guy she was kissing another guy. At least she didn't sleep with them. But still, it's ugh.

Sometimes I wish I had her confidence, but I don't feel it. I feel like I have to feel confident to exude confidence. I can't just look like I'm confident. There's a whole formula.

So I'm feeling mentally toxic to myself today.

Positive note: I lost two more pounds. So that's 9 pounds altogether.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/k2gvlw1.gif]]

[center [size10 [+blue The first part of my journal entry this time is going to be a letter to my ex. I really don't care if he reads this, it's meant for him to read.

To my ex:
Thank you for being as understanding as you were. Thank you for loving me just as I was. Thank you for teaching me lessons. Lessons I needed. Thank you for loving me to the best of your ability.

I learned a lot from you, and I am thankful. I learned to not take being an option. If I am even an option at all, I should make it easier and take myself out of being an option. Cause obviously I wasn't what they wanted anyway. I should never accept that kind of love. I am worth more than being an option.

I learned that communication is important. I'm still working on that though. It's hard to go from being yelled at and blamed for things and shutting down because of it to actually speaking my feelings. I learned that if someone invalidates my feelings, that doesn't mean that my feelings are not valid. And I cannot say it was all you. I've learned that I can't get my point across by yelling at people. Being calm about my feelings is best.

I learned to let go. When a man says he's done, he's done. I shouldn't act crazy and force him to stay. Yes, that is a fault of mine and I take all responsibility in that one. I am sorry for that.

I learned to believe in compliments when boys give them. Thank you for loving me the way I am. No matter what size I was. I didn't appreciate it then, but I appreciate it now. I am sorry it took me this long. I don't always see my beauty, but I am learning to believe others who see it.

I think that is it on the first part. I am sure there is more I learned, I just can't think of it right now. On to the second part.

I met a new guy. He's super nice and I do like him very much, but I'm scared. There's some distance between us, but not as much as some, but still a bit of distance and I do feel guilty about that aspect.

He's visited me twice so far and he's super nice. Like super nice and I don't deserve it at all. He's bought me gifts and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I don't deserve them at all. I've done nothing to deserve the gifts. But I do very much appreciate them.

Ironically, he reminds me of you. You know who you are. Let me explain and you'll understand.

Personality wise, he's all about the person he is with or trying to be with. Which is super sweet, but can be a bit, overwhelming at times and sometimes a red flag. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's nice to be doted on, but I don't want to be the center of attention always.

He's got a lot of female friends. It worries me, but that's my insecurities talking and my past experiences, sorry. I'm working on it though.

He plays video games, or well, at least this one game he is obsessed with. He wants me to play it so I can meet his friends. I tried playing it, but it's way too slow of an RPG for me to really get into. You know I like fast paced games and being able to kill things as a mage. I always did have a tendency to do things I shouldn't be doing.

He even kind of looks like you, back when you had that crazy long-ish hair. Before we cut it off. He's probably about your height too. So I guess I really have a type here. Even though most guys I have dated never truly looked the same. Until now. This one instance. Not sure how to feel about it, but it's there.

He's around my age, so there's a difference. So since he's older than you, should I more say that you remind me of him? I'm not sure it works that way though. Since I knew you first and not him.

He's really a nice guy though. I'm just still not sure though. Taking things super slow. I do have a tendency to dig myself deep holes in things. Because I used to move fast. But now, I'm taking it slow. Super slow. Maybe that was my problem. Other than all the other things.

That's really all I wanted to say this time around. Maybe I'll have more to say later. I'm not sure.

Bye for now.]]]

[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/T6s8lpP.gif]]

[center [size10 [+blue Well, that didn't last long. That guy is gone. There was a lot of red flags there and I was listening to my gut.

My gut was just telling me no about him. That something was off. I know that sounds wrong, but it was how I felt. I always felt uncomfortable around him and that he was judging me, when he says he wasn't. I felt safe but unsafe around him.

He was extremely clingy and that just turned me off. He was scary jealous. I do like when a guy is jealous, but not overly jealous of my guy friends, when they are really just friends. And then he just dissed my friends completely. I can't be with someone like that.

And maybe, just maybe, I just wasn't physically attracted to him as well. I thought I was but then in person, I wasn't.

That's okay, because I met someone new anyway. So alls well that ends well. Or so to speak.

This new guy is definitely hitting the marks in my new found type of guy. He's got a beard and he's on the tall side. He's even got these cute blue eyes and I'm a sucker for blue eyes people.

We definitely have things in common, but we have our opposites as well. Which is good, we can learn from each other. So I really like that about it.

I met him a few days ago and we've hung out like three times so far. Each time we just talk so much. It's nice to just sit and talk and get to know someone.

I definitely am taking things slow. Or at least trying to anyway. We're still getting to know each other. He's really smart and I like to dissect his brain on his opinions on things.

He's a good kisser, yes, I've kissed him already. He asked so nicely, so I couldn't say no. Plus, I wanted to kiss him just as much as he wanted to kiss me.

I think that is really it. I hope we end up as a couple. I enjoy his company, I feel safe and comfortable around him. It's a different feeling. And he's super supportive too. So I'm hoping things work out for us.

Bye for now!]]]

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[center [size10 [+blue I'm really trying these days. Like super trying. It's hard though. Very hard.

It's hard to help someone when they won't let you help them. They just sulk and I get it, I really do. I suffer from depression, but I try to help everyone else.

Maybe I'm just not the girl to help someone. Maybe I should stop trying.

I put in effort and I just get crapped on. Like God has cursed me or something.

First I get let go from work and then writer's block happens. Now this guy I'm talking to is really just pushing me away at all costs because of his depression.

Nothing is going right this month. I'm trying to pull him in, and he's not opposed to it, just not used to it. He comes from a background of toxic relationships, and I do too, but still I try. He pushes girls away and has never had anyone pull him back in, just push more.

Sorry I'm not that type.]]]

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[center [size10 [+blue Soooo I just really like writing in blue now. It is my favorite color after all.

It's been almost two months since I last wrote in here. I've been having some writer's block, but oh well I guess.

Let me catch you up on life so far. A lot has happened since we last spoke.

Let's see, I got into an argument with a guy I was talking to because I told him I wanted to be friends and needed some space, but he kept messaging me. Like dude, give me the space I needed. He got angry with me for no reason. Then blocked me. Personally, good riddance if he is that judgemental.

Next, the other guy I was actually going to talk to ended up friend zoning me, after we made out. Because he's got a lot going on and what not. Which I understand, but I guess I also don't understand. I guess that's because I like to be there for people in all aspects.

My birthday passed. I am now another year older. I don't know how I feel about it though. It's eh. I'm 31 now and I still act young. My new best friend keeps forgetting that I am not 23, but in fact 31. It baffles her. I remind her, especially since I have a daughter who is almost 9 years old.

Thanksgiving came and went. It wasn't terrible actually. So there's that.

My sister and I got into a fight, and on my birthday. Yay me! I am worried about her though. She's back on drugs and she's a very different person. It's strange because she said she would never bee that way. She keep secrets now and barely sleeps. It's bad.

I met a new guy, unfortunately it was via Tinder, but it worked out. Though we haven't met in person yet, we do connect a lot. We video chat every day and he's a really great guy. Unfortunately, I can't meet him until August. He got deployed to Jourdan and won't be back till then. Yup, he's a marine.

He's a pretty awesome guy. I love just listening to him ramble, but I was always someone who loved listening to someone go on and on about something they are passionate about. Makes me really see who they are as a person.

He rambles about video games and anime. Reminds me of my ex actually. Not in a bad way. In a good way, since it was actually a trait about my ex I actually loved about him.

He's a pretty relaxed guy. I'm working on wording my feelings to people better, so they can know better. Mainly guys I like or am dating. Only one at a time, obviously.

Like the guy I am dating. I did say something to him, a long paragraph about how I sometimes feel inadequate about things and, although I may not actually be, I still feel that way and it was mainly due to my depression. And I guess I wanted a bigger response or a response that warranted that he understood and would work with me, but he just said no worries. Which isn't a terrible response, but it didn't really say if he understood and was okay. So I spent most of the day not talking to him trying to figure out how to express that I wanted more of a response. It actually went well explaining myself. And he explained himself, so I think it went well. We're still together, sooooo yeah.

The only downside of the relationship so far is I have to wait like 18 months to really be in an official relationship with him. Since he's still legally married and all. He's trying to get a divorce, but divorces cost money, which is why he opted to deploy again in the marines, I think. But he says it is his last run in the marines, which will be nice cause then I can spend lots of time with him here.

I got my permit for the third time. Now all I have to do is practice driving. I can't wait to have my license. I'm nervous though, but with practice, I think I will get it. I hope anyway.

Been watching a ton of anime lately too. He's very into anime, so been trying to catch up on anime just to keep up with him. Buuuut, he also watches Doctor Who and Mandalorian. So we've got a lot in common. Some people say that is bad, but we also have our differences. He's super knowledgeable about a lot of things, so it's fun to pick his brain. I have now started calling him my rabbit. But only because he told me his hair is as soft as a baby rabbit and I just can't get that out of my head now. He started calling me kitten, which is absolutely adorable and I just can't with his cuteness overload on me.

That's all for now, I think. Nothing major happened.]]]

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[center [size10 [+hotpink I decided to go back to writing in pink. Think it looks better when someone is in a happier mood. And I am.

I got my boyfriend to join EliteSkills. I feel very accomplished in that. I got make him a nice profile that matched mine. Next time, I'm going to pick the anime couple. As much as I love Studio Ghibli and my boyfriend, I'm not a big fan of Howl's Moving Castle. Granted, I've never watched it. But there's just something I don't like. Can't put my finger on it.

He's a really sweet guy though and I'm very lucky to have him in my life. I enjoy our conversations and the time we spend together. He gets me and I really appreciate him for that.

I get nervous to talk about things that bother me and I don't know how to approach it, but he always finds a way to ease my worries after I've said it. He always understands, never gets mad, and I'm very thankful.

I'm so used to victim blaming and all of that from the past in relationships and being yelled at a lot. I know they aren't all to blame for them, but it feels different and I'm not sure how to feel. It will take some time though to get used to this and I'm okay with that.

Not sure if you still read this, but if you do, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. One day, we can be friends. I believe that anyway.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know it's only Christmas Eve currently, but I'm not making a post tomorrow. So I am saying it now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTOPHER!]]]

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[center [size10 [+hotpink I haven't written here for quite some time and I think that is affecting me. I use this journal as an outlet for myself. When things are good and when things are bad. It's been eight months since I wrote in here. I think my mental health needs to vent.

I lost a friend a few months back for I don't know what reasons, she refused to tell me but from context clues, she thinks I am racist. I never thought of myself as racist though. The only thing I ever say to her is that she's Italian and she refuses to admit to it. Which is strange to me. Then she went and bad mouthed me on her Twitch stream. Why are people so petty like that?

I made a new friend though and she doesn't live that far from me. Which is pretty cool. We met through a different roleplaying site. Our characters are actually together. She plays boy characters, aside from another account she has. We got close quick. We talk on Discord and talk on the voice chat all the time. I am really happy I met her. Though sometimes she blurs reality and roleplay. Gets jealous about my other accounts, which is strange to me. But it's fine, we're working on it. Communication!

This Saturday I am finally meeting my boyfriend for the first time. We've video chatted, but it's not the same as in person. I get nervous about that though. Meeting in person is different to me, anyway. It's more real. He doesn't live that far, but still. I'm extremely nervous counting down the days.

I got my Covid shot today. I feel fine at the moment. I better feel fine tomorrow because I have things to do. Thank you very much. We shall see though.

I have been roleplaying, obviously, but on a different site than here. I keep in touch with who I need to from this site. That's where I will leave that. This will always be my favorite and most memorable place to come to though. Both good and bad memories here. Might be why I stay away a lot. Who really knows.

I get caught up in life sometimes and focus there. My mental health is doing fine, I would like to think. I have some days where I get anxious and overwhelmed, but I try to muddle through it. Some days it is harder though.I'm trying and that's what matters.

I know a long time ago I wasn't in a good place mentally, but I am working my way there. Life is a roller coaster sometimes and I just go with the flow. Maybe I'll try to write in here weekly, might help me mentally. Get everything out that I am feeling. Maybe.]]]

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[center [size10 [+hotpink What was I so worried about? Heh... I'm still not fully comfortable around him yet, but I am sooooo close to it, I know it. He's been so understanding and supportive of me.

We finally met and I was so nervous. I knew I would be, and he let me take my time. The whole time I was worried he thought I was ugly or something and he was trying to flirt with me the whole time. I was so oblivious. Until we sat down and he was being super forward with his flirt. I finally understood.

I got a little less nervous then and held his hand. My daughter was so funny the whole time. I recently explained to him that sometimes, as a single parent, my daughter has to come on some dates with us. Especially that most of our dates are on the weekend when she's not in school. He completely understood, and that really meant a lot to me.

We're going on a mini vacation next month and I cannot wait. My daughter is coming too and she's excited to be going. I'm excited to spend time with him. Get closer and all that.

I spent one night at his place this past weekend and I had a blast. Met some of his friends and we even got to cuddle. It felt really natural. I got to know him better and he even got me drunk (per my request). I prefer to drink in the company of people I know. I feel more comfortable then.

He's different than my exes. More attentive and really listens. He doesn't yell at me for the smallest things or blame me for anything. I really feel heard and loved in this relationship. He tied my shoes, that were already tied, because they looked loose and he didn't want me to fall. That is the sweetest thing and I couldn't help but get a picture of it.

He gave me a back massage, which felt nice but didn't feel like it did anything, cause he was trying to be gentle, I know. He really is a sweetheart and I love him to death.

Can't believe we'll be together for a year in December. I'm so excited for that.

For Halloween, we planned to be Tiffany and Chucky from Bride of Chucky. My daughter wants to be Annabelle, so she's doing that. The theme was horror and we just rolled with it. My cousin and her children are joining in and I can't wait for that either.

My birthday is in like 2 and a half months. I'll be 32. Ugh! I'm getting old. I can't with myself.

I have so much positive things to say about my boyfriend. We haven't had a fight, which is good. I'm really trying to communicate in a better way the things I want. He's been holding my hand the entire time. I appreciate him so much for that. I can't believe how lucky I am that I get to call him mine. He really tries for me.

He got Dead By Daylight for me, so we would have a game to play together. I'm going to look into Borderlands 3 for him. I already have TFT for my phone and League on my computer. He plays a lot of League, so I will attempt to get good at that. Or at least better.

I get nervous asking him questions and he's always like "I'm an open book, ask me anything, I won't get mad". I definitely have a lot of trauma from past relationships. And he understands that about me and let's me take my time. Definitely appreciate that so much.

He shows me so much kindness and definitely gets my humor and gets along with my friends. I cannot express how much I love this man. How much he is doing for me, no matter how small it is. He really cares about my well-being and everything. Where did he come from and why would anyone want to hurt him at all?? I am so confused with his past, but I know he's got stuff to work through and I am there for him.

The one thing I am bummed about is that I don't make him want to be a better person, yet. I might one day, maybe. But, I guess I'm stuck at not being that for anyone.

He's still got to go through with his divorce, put in the paperwork and what not. From a wife that he hasn't been with in over 3 years. He's been procrastinating it though. Which worries me too. Cause if he wanted to fully commit to me, he would be working his butt off to do it right? Or is that just me overthinking it?

That's it for now. Just had to get some things off my chest. Talk soon!]]]

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[center [size10 [+blue It's been a minute again. Been feeling a bit emotional lately. Like super emotional. I'll explain in a bit about that. It's just the oddest thing. So I figured I would write down some of my thoughts.

Things have been great though, nothing really bad has happened, or even stressful. Yes, I get needy and need constant reassurance, but otherwise, things have been great with my boyfriend.

Tomorrow will be one year together. I cannot believe it. A whole year of a healthy relationship. Literally cannot believe it. I've been in relationships before, but they weren't that healthy at all. Which is one reason why I think I cried.

I think with that cry, I just realized that I have settled for such crappy guys in my past. Just settling, thinking that I deserved that kind of love. That half love. That abusive love. I think another thing that got me was that I never fully got closure from one of my past relationships. I got a half ass apology and that really bothered me because they gave their other ex a very lengthy apology and I felt that apology should have been to me. I was with them for such a long time and he had events so tangled up in his apology. I felt like he didn't truly see me. That has been bothering me for awhile. So I think some of my tears stemmed from that.

We were driving back from Pennsylvania when I just had a wash of emotions flood me suddenly while in the car. I really can't explain it. I just looked at my boyfriend driving and started tearing up. I think it is just because I really am happy with him and in such a good place with him that it is baffling. I can truly see a future with him.

It's so hard to go from staying the weekends with him to coming home. I bring Fallyn with me and it just feels so right. Like that I'm meant to be there. Thankfully he doesn't live that far from me. So I just hop on the ferry and see him. Mostly it is Fallyn and I traveling to him. Very rarely does he come to me. But he does pick us up at the ferry and drive us back to his place. Thankfully he has his own place as well.

I can't get over the fact that he keeps asking me to move in with him. It's so surreal to me. He's such a calm person and not very violent, so it is new to me. He supports me with my school stuff and anything that I want to do. It's strange territory for me.

For Halloween, we dressed up as Chucky and Tiffany from Bride of Chucky. I had my blonde hair at the time. I made the scars on his face and he drew the heart tattoo for me. It was also his birthday right before Halloween, so I took him to lunch, bought him balloons and got him a couple small things. I do try. I can at least say that. We took Fallyn trick or treating, she was Annabelle. It was a nice little family type of moment. Next year, I think we are doing Addams Family theme. It'll be cute. I hope, if we're together.

My birthday weekend, I spent with him and Fallyn. We went to a hibachi restaurant. I am obsessed with those now. It was an alright restaurant. Not as good as the one near me. We got ice cream and had a fun weekend. I think anyway.

Thanksgiving we spent with his family. We went to Pennsylvania and spent four days there. I got to know his mom and step-dad, so that was an experience. I really liked his mom and tried to help as best as I could. She seemed to like me and Fallyn, so that was a plus, I think. I really hope so.

This weekend is our anniversary weekend. We're supposed to go ice skating and do some Christmas shopping. I won't see him for like two weekends after this weekend. So the next time I see him will be for Christmas, which he is spending that with my family. So I am excited for that one.

There are things that I [i really] want him to work on. I wish he would text more and call more when he is not busy. I guess my exes spoiled me in that aspect. I wish he would give me more attention when I want it and not when he wants it, instead of playing on his phone. Cuddling while watching movies is fine, I am cool with that. He thinks it has to be a big thing, but it doesn't. I am a simple girl, even if he thinks I am complicated. I can be complicated sometimes. Like I want him to follow me when I am upset, not just leave me by myself.

I am dealing with my monthly being here for an extended period of time. I am on day 13 of this and I am so over it. Like really over it. This has never happened before and I'm just done. I got the Covid vaccine back in August and this is what I get. Ugh. Can they just not. Seriously?! I'm done people. Done, you hear me?!

That's all I have to update with at the moment. Nothing else new going on. I got an A in my class. Can't wait to start my next class. But that is in a few weeks. I might start writing my book again, we shall see what the days bring. It's been cold, so I don't want to do much. Hopefully, my monthly goes back to normal. I'll let you know in a future post. Prayer for me please!]]]

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[center [size10 [+hotpink It's been awhile since I wrote in here. A lot has happened since last month when I wrote in here.

Thankfully, my monthly is back to normal. I think it was because I got my Covid vaccine. I do think I should get the booster, but I am definitely afraid after that experience. But it is something I think I should do. I am not one for shots, but I guess if I have to, I have to.

Speaking of Covid, I ended up getting that. It was like being sick mainly, nothing that big, but getting vaccinated probably really helped me get over it faster than most people. I had it for about five days. I had a soar throat for about 24 hours. No cough or anything. But I was congested all five days. It wasn't bad, so that is good. I am Covid free now.

Not only did I have Covid, but my boyfriend had Covid. So I did not get to see him for Christmas, which really upset me. Holidays are very important to me, like super important. But I do understand that he had Covid, so it was better he stayed home. He was only sick for like two days, lucky him.

After him, his father had Covid, so I could not see him for quite awhile. That was the saddest part of everything, cause his dad lives with him. I had to wait almost a whole month to see him. But it was good to see him when I did. I missed him so much. I did not really leave his side, except for the grocery store because he was just all over the place and still was forgetting things. Had a whole basket full of stuff, except for what he went to the store for.

Why are men like this? I make a list of things I need, yes, sometimes I get other things I didn't add to my list, but I still make a list to make sure that I get everything I need. I even look around the house to see what I need to make sure I am not forgetting anything. This is why he says he needs a woman living with him. Which I will have no problem doing these things for him. I always felt like I was meant to be a wife. So this works for me. Sometimes we act already married, so that's a plus.

I do love him very much, there's just some things that he needs to work on. He tends to deviate the conversation when I try to talk about what is bothering me about what he does. I really try to be understanding, but I would rather talk things over than push them to the side. Small things can add up and I don't want to have any resentment at all towards him. I know I hold things in a lot, but I am just afraid.

A lot of my being afraid to talk has to do with my past relationships and a lot of the trauma they put me through. I had boyfriends who gaslighted me a lot and I never realized it. I tried a lot to be a good girlfriend to them, but somehow I just wasn't enough for them. I know my faults in my past relationships and I am working on them in my current one.

Finally being to see my boyfriend, we were able to exchange Christmas gifts. I was so excited to get my new Ariel doll that he surprised me with getting. I was in shock when he told me he got me that. It is my favorite gift I got. I absolutely love it. I got him small stuff, but he says that he loves it all and appreciative of what I got him.

I can't wait to go back this weekend and see him. There's an Ice Festival near him and he said we can go. I am so excited to go. Even my daughter is excited to go. I can't wait, literally so excited.

I think I am more excited though for Valentine's Day. It's pretty much all planned out. Well, mostly planned out. He's coming here to see me. He is spending the whole weekend here since Valentine's Day is a Monday and he has work. So we are spending the weekend before together. I am excited. We're going to my favorite hibachi restaurant and then karaoke on Saturday. I am hoping that Sunday we can go to The Melting Pot. My friend suggested it cause I have never done fondue before. So hopefully he will say yes to that. Then we are going to a movie. Tickets are already paid for, or well reserved. I get a discount and one free movie pass every month and they roll over as well. So I had like 3 passes and I only needed two. So I am excited that everything is planned out. I even got his gift coming soon and hopefully the card I got him comes soon too. Otherwise, I do have a backup card I am going to get him. Even if I get the card, I will still have it for the next year.

We have been talking about my daughter's birthday party this year. She's going to be the big 10 years old this year. It's a milestone birthday so we have to go big. SO we decided to throw her party like two months after her actual birthday so it will be warmer out and we can have it outside. We decided on a circus theme for her party. I am so excited to be planning this party. Next month, I am going to start getting the supplies I need for her birthday. That way I do not need to get everything at once and it won't feel like it cost too much. And that way I have everything I need.

I am almost done with school. One week left in this class and one more class left. So that is about six weeks left of school. Then I will have my bachelor's degree in early childhood education. I cannot believe I am this close to actually graduating school. Finally! I am so happy! Once I am done with school, I will probably start looking for work. Well, probably I will start after summer time. So I won't have to stress worry about my daughter being taken care of during the summer time. And I will probably make sure that I can get hours that I can leave around 3pm to pick her up from school. I am hopeful of that aspect anyway. It's what I want, so we shall see if that is what I get.

That is pretty much it for now. See you next time.]]]

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[center [size10 [+hotpink I honestly just hate it here right now.

Of course I still look at your journal. Cause I do still care about you. I honestly hate that you remember details the wrong way and it's frustrating cause I don't think I'll ever get the closure I want because of that. I suppose I just have to come to terms with that.

Things are going well for me these days, I would like to think. I finished school and finally got my degree. I can't wait to put it to good use and start working. I think that is what I am most excited for.

Things are going well with the boyfriend and I. Nothing truly new there. We had a small breakthrough in our emotional bond, so that's a plus for us. Other than that, everything is the same. I still love him and want to annoy him forever.

Summer is here and school is almost out for my daughter. But she'll be going to summer school, mainly for her social skills than for academic stuff. Which is okay by me. I am even going to find her a therapist to help her understand her feelings. I think she may harbor some anger towards some men in her life that kind of abandoned her, and that is understandable.

Her birthday party was fun and carnival themed. A few kids came and she had a fun time. That is all that matters to me. No more parties though, thank goodness. Since she is now a preteen. Next year, we are going to go to a movie with a couple friends and getting her nails done with her friends.

Honestly, that is it. I am just feeling a type of way right now.]]]